Welcome to Derek's Poker Blog

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Las Vegas – December 2010

Holiday Classic Recap: Unplugged

I know why you're here.

You do?

I know why you hardly sleep and why night after night, you sit by your computer alone. You're looking for it. I know because I was once looking for it too.

Are you talking about free porn sites again?

No, I’m not. The answer is out there and it's looking for you. Are you ready to be unplugged?

What the fuck are you talking about?

You have to understand, most people are not ready to be unplugged. Many of them are so hopelessly dependent on the system that they will fight to protect it. I imagine that right about now you're feeling a bit like Alice tumbling down the rabbit hole.

I'm a little confused for sure.

I see it in your eyes Waffles. You have the look of a man who accepts what he sees because he is expecting to wake up. Ironically, that's not too far from the truth. Do you believe in fate?


Why not?

Because I don't like the idea that I'm not in control of my life.

It makes you wonder why we gamble but I know exactly what you mean Waffles. Let me tell you why you're here. You're here because you know something. What you know you can't explain, but you feel it. You've felt it your entire life, that there's something wrong with the world. You don't know what it is, but it’s there, like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad. It is this feeling that has brought you to me. Do you know what I'm talking about?

That I should buy the fucking dip?

Do you want to know what "the Dip" is?


It seems that you've been living two lives Waffles. One of these lives has a future, and one of them does not. Sooner or later you're going to realize just as I did that there's a difference between knowing the path and walking the path.

I still don’t know what the dip is .... so how can I buy it?

The Dip is everywhere. It is all around us, even now, in this very room. You can see it when you look out your window, or when you turn on your television. You can feel it when you go to work, or when you play poker, or when you pay your taxes. It is the world that has been pulled over your eyes to blind you from the truth.

What truth? You know I don’t own a cell phone because the CIA is trying to control us with them. Texting is for sheep.

I’m not talking about the CIA but you are a slave, Waffles. Like everyone else, you were born into bondage, born inside a prison that you can not smell, taste, or touch. A prison for your mind.

Huh? I just want to know what the dip is you pothead.

Unfortunately, no one can be told what "the Dip" is. You have to see it for yourself. To deny our own impulses is to deny the very thing that makes us human. This is your last chance Waffles. After this, there is no turning back.

You're one crazy motherfucker but I like that about you.

I'm trying to free your mind, Waffles. But I can only show you the door. You're the one that has to walk through it.

Let’s do it.

You take the blue pill, the story ends, you awake in your bed where Miami Don may or may not anally rape you BUT you'll believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill, you stay in Wonderland with me and Dr. Pauly, and we show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.

As Waffles reaches for the red pill, I remind him that all we're offering is the truth, nothing more.

I know Kung Fu.

That's nothing Waffles. I can dodge bullets baby.

Buy the fucking dip!!!

* * * * *

Memorable Moments, Random Thoughts and the lowdown

As per my usual pre-flight routine, I woke up at 5am for my 10am flight so I could get high. Wake and bake baby!

The Black Bear diner rules! I ate scrambled eggs and sausages on biscuits with gravy smothered over it. I also ate some big ass potatoes on the side.

I had a $100 bounty on my head for the Aria blogger tourney….thanks to Otis and Pokerstars!

Drizz got cut off at the Sherwood Forest Bar. That would never happen at the Geisha bar.

I had a great starting table during the blogger tourney. I sat with Waffles, Russ Fox, Katkin, Kat, Grubby, Dr. Jeff and BrianMC.

Grubby was to my left for a couple hours and I had a great time catching up with him. We also got a chance to play against each other in a couple of pots. To quote Grubby, "One time we kept staring at each other like we were in love, only to realize that he had checked and he was waiting for my action."

I got high with three bloggers I never knew smoked weed.

I spent a lot of time hanging out with Pablo, Iggy, Stb, Pauly, Gracie and Kat. Good times.

The Kobe beef burger at the Burger bar ruled!! I crushed it.

The Burger Palace at the IP still sucks.

The Geisha bar still rocks!

The Surly Poker Gnome is one cagey mofo!!

I had a big lunch at the Mirage’s Carnegie Deli with Pauly and Stb. Stb crushed the Woody Allen sandwich. Most people can’t even eat a half of it in one sitting but Stb did. He finished the second half Homer Simpson style later that night.

Mixed games and drinking at the MGM!

Who doesn’t like a hit from the Volcano?

Late night….Krispy kreme rules! Al Can't Hang and I crushed a ton of those donuts.

Pauly and I saw some drunk guy propose to his girlfriend on the bridge while walking over to the Excalibur.

The Excalibur has a black jack Party pit with a stripper pole and hot dancers. Holla!!!

Team 420 Allstars played like shit at the Aria tourney but at least we got cool hats!!

Our little sister Mo crushed her huge Chorizo breakfast at the Hash House before the above picture was taken.

Bernard at Aria makes some killer Mojitos according to Mo and Pablo.

Thanks to Al Can't Hang and Full Tilt for comping our bill at the sportsbook.

I lost my Cincinnati Bengals bet this year at the sportbook but I won betting on the New York Knicks!!! It's been years since I bet on a Knicks game. After Pauly and I put our bets in, the IP sportsbook upped their line by a 1/2 point! Amare Stoudamire rules!!! Fuck Lebron James and Go Knicks!!

El Falstaffo to the rescue!

Joe Speaker is the man!! I love that guy....in a very heterosexual way.

Good times catching up with Garth and Gretchen. I laughed when Garth told me he needed to lose weight. I thought he needed to put on weight by what do I know, I'm a stupid American that loves to supersize everything.

Finally, I got to hang out with all of G-Vegas at once. It’s been awhile since Otis, Badblood, GRob, CJ, and the Mark where in one place at the same time as me. It was also great hanging with Dr. Jeff, Chilly and Marty.

Some old asian lady who was a cashier at the IP store was busting Stb’s balls because the Cowboys lost to the Eagles.

Someone asked me if Pauly had change of one hundred with him? I replied, “Not in fifties but probably in twenties.” I’m an idiot because the person was really asking where Change100 was.

Bayne and Stb went on a craps heater. Stb also crushed the Pai gow tables that night.

I walked into Bill’s smoke shop and they didn’t sell any cigarettes. It was mostly bongs and other smoking paraphernalia and for some reason I was completely bummed out. What’s happening to me?

Gotta love old lady porn slappers!!

Congrats to Miami Don for winning the Aria blogger tourney!

Pauly, Stb and I were in a cab when we heard the dispatcher mention over the radio that there was a new fare at the Budget Suites. Her name was Jen and she needed to go to work at Hustler asap. Jen by day ... Sable by night.

Sweet sweet Pablo and Sweet Sweet Gracie rule!! I love those peeps.

I was super bummed to not see G-Money, Human Head & Mrs. Head, Change100, Bobby Bracelet, Daddy, Jaxia, Donkeypuncher, Mr. & Mrs. Spaceman, the Fat Guy, Maudie, the Rooster, GCox, et al. I wish they all came out to Las Vegas this year. You were all missed.

Viva los Grubby y Grubette!!

Las Vegas toilets 7 Derek 0. I tried but my bowel movements don’t pack the same punch they used to after I lost 49 pounds.

Two words I did NOT hear this trip: Dick Bro.

I was pretty bummed about not getting to play Working or Not Working with G-Money? Until next year bro. Get your bitch ass to the Casino Royale damnit!!

Tradition: Drinking at the Geisha bar and the MGM sports book.

Rule #20.

No trips to the strip club for me. Sorry PKPNF but I just couldn’t support the local economy and single moms this time.

I didn’t see too many working girls but I saw a lot of hoes.

Getting another chance to be in the presence of Sir AlCan'tHang. Truly honored as always.

Sports book Sunday rocked. Lots of food, lots of booze and lots of gambling. Fade Waffles' picks!

Ass grabbing & boob grabbing. Thanks Kat!!

Chaka no like sleep.

12 packs of cigarettes in 4 days. Dirty dozen.

Chaka no like crystal meth.

Nice catch trout.

ABC. Always. Be. Closing.

Bet the receipt numbers bro.

Pauly kept joking with Stb and Waffles that they were narcs. Could you speak into the microphone please.

There’s a beer bust at the moon tower.

Holy Water + Maui Wowie + Herojuana = Heaven

Watched Skinny GRob clean up betting on the Kentucky basketball game.

The private skybox at Emeril Lagasse's Stadium/Sportsbook at the Palazzo rocked. We had a private room again with a pool table, a bunch of TVs, a video game machine AND we got the outside porch this time so we could smoke while watching the outside TVs that were there. Fucking awesome!!!

And for the second year in a row, a Las Vegas casino got robbed of over $1mil the day I left town.

* * * * *

Favorite Quotes & Tweets

Tara Reid? Dead or Canadian?

I am on the wrong side of the fix.

The old banana in the tailpipe trick always works.

The clientele at the MGM is a cross between The Jersey Shore & Bonanza.

Team 420 Allstars team breakfast. The Hash House does NOT have the kinda hash I was looking for.

It must be white boy day.

Awake. Sportsbook suite at Palazzo. Inspected Waffles picks. Taking appropriate fading measures.

It's all about re-branding the weed. Otherwise, how would you tell the difference between these two Kushes?

I have 36 hours to clog a toilet.

Sportsbook. Watching anxious Pablo sweat NBA bet w/ Waffles trying not to enact his cooler powers. This can't be good.

You're the Pot Jesus. People just want to take your bread.

Waffles passed out in sportsbook and roused by 2 security guards.

Random blogger asked for Adderall. Gave him an Altoid w/ imprint of "A" on it. He was so wasted that he didn't notice.

You're a plague and we are the cure.

Derek amused by pornslapper who was a 85yr old woman.

Derek and I wagering on how much of mountainous Woody Allen sandwich from CarnegieDeli that Stb can finish.

Confidence is high...Lady GaGa dealertainer is a tranny. Big bulge.

Watched guy face plant in between roulette tables at IP.

How would you like to make $14 the hard way?

Is there anything better than ecstasy and generic Viagra?

Sorry, my wad is in the way.

Put it in my box please.

Buy the fucking dip you moron!

* * * * *

The Top 10 List: By the numbers . . .

10 - the # of bong hits I took per hour before I went to JFK for my flight to Las Vegas. Wake and bake is the breakfast of champions not cigarettes and donuts like you would think. Gotta cope somehow.

9 - the # of times that Stb and Pauly told a new blogger to “Buy the fucking dip!” Tell your friends.

8 - the # of times I saw Waffles cooler someone. Be afraid. Be very afraid. He’s just around the corner.

7 - the # of times we had to tell the dealer at the MGM that the O in HORSE was Omaha Hi-Low not Omaha High. The floor manager tried to tell Pablo that they were right and we were wrong because he was in town for 35 years and knew better than us. What a fucking joke! Pablo googled HORSE on his blackberry to show the floor manager that he was a fucking idiot!!

6 - the # of times per hour I was asked why I didn’t have a twitter or facebook account. Isn’t a poker blog gay enough people?

5 - the # of times I heard someone compliment GRob's hair AND his physique. His hair is legendary and now his body is rock hard.

4 - the # of times I put my face in Kat’s breasts without getting slapped. Yes I can!!! Who else is next ladies?

3- the max # of free drinks per hour that the Excalibur’s Sherwood Forest Bar would give Drizz for playing video poker. He was not pleased so he walked off in shame and donked off some money at the slots machine and craps table. Talk about a bad beat. At least he got a free Krispy Kreme donut out of it. Viva las Vegas!!

2 - the # of times Stb’s chants of “No Whammies!!” while playing a Press Your Luck Big Bucks slot machine scared a cocktail waitress walking by. Stb went on a heater and crushed that game. He cashed out up but he had to wash the old lady urine stains off his pants the next day. Those slot seats are gross.

1 - the # of times a female TSA agent grabbed my cock. I got a half boner for sure. I wonder if she licks balls too?

0 - the # of hookers that talked to me in the 4 days I was in Las Vegas. Either the casino security is getting tougher or I lost so much weight that I don’t look desperate anymore.

Smoke the herb, save the world.

Happy Holidays everyone!!!

*This post has been brought to you by my sponsors Lost Vegas, the Tao of Fear, the Matrix and Buying the Dip.