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Friday, May 18, 2007

7 things . . . . Ode to Gracie and Human Head

Only because Gracie and Head tagged me . . . well that and # 4.

1. I'm hooked on the boob tube. It started as a child. I owe my addiction to shows like the White Shadow, the Fall Guy, Good Times, What's Happening, Greatest American Hero, All in the Family, Three's Company, the A-team, BJ and the Bear . . . . the list goes on. I just can't get enough of that damn thing. I watch way too much TV but who needs intelligence anyway. I just get my facts from the tube. If it's on TV, it has to be true, right?

2. As an altar boy in grammar school, we used to steal wine as well as the Eucharist from the Sacristy . . . . especially after funerals. If it was a weekday funeral, we'd head back to class a little tipsy and high on J.C. Thankfully, no one was ever molested. Please keep your hands to yourself . . . especially the priests, thank you.

3. I can't swim.

4. I jumped off a bridge in Pennsylvania once . . . . literally. The year was 1995. Why? Because my friends were doing it. Mom would be proud. I almost drowned that day (see # 3 above). I guess I'd rather die than be a pussy. Head stone material? Maybe. I was at the tail end of my college career when I jumped. I sunk like a rock. Luckily, I was saved by someone named the Gooch. He was in my fraternity and jumped in to help. Thank goodness because I would've missed out on the poker boom . . . . and all those bad beats.

5. I hate chain mail. Especially when they have some requirement tacked on saying you must forward it to others or bad luck with be brought forth and reaped upon you. Pffft I say. Though, that might explain why I'm not a billionaire yet. No tags.

6. When I was a pledge in college, I participated in a "hazing" event that I actually thought was hilarious. The upper classmen took about 30 of us and made us put on Depends diapers. They wanted to have a contest and see who could go the longest without pissing their diaper. We had to drink a beer every 3 minutes. We had a shitload of kegs and garbage cans lined up in the basement. People were puking along the way. I wasn't one of them for once. I chugged every beer, got back in line and waited out the 3 minutes until I refilled. The best part was that some of my fellow pledges couldn't fit into the diaper. They had to tape two together. I fit into one thankfully . . . . I think. I knew I wasn't going to win the contest but I decided to give it a try. Some people were being babies about it and forced themselves to piss sooner than later. I made it to about 18 beers before I pissed myself. I was quite relieved. The runner up cried when he pissed himself. He wanted to win that bad. His competitive juices flowed. The winner, a future doctor of America, took down the big prize. What was that you say? He got the option of pissing in a toilet instead of his diapers. He chose the diaper like a true warrior.

and finally . . . .

7. I have two testicles and I never bluff . . . . at poker that is. Hear that ladies??

Oh yeah . . . fuck Sheriff Lobo!