March Madness 2008
What’s your real name?
Most poker players blow their winnings in the sport book or at the craps tables.
I blow mine on strippers.
At least strippers provide high quality entertainment. Especially at the Rhino.
There was one lap dance in particular that was pretty intense.
It happened between the main stage and the bar.
It was pretty similar to crunch time during a close NCAA tournament game.
March Madness indeed.
I practically had sex that first night at the Rhino.
Technically speaking, it was the best 5 minutes of both our lives.
I’m pretty sure of that.
The best part . . . it only cost me $40.
She stained my pants too.
They call it the reverse cowgirl.
After it was over, she twirled around and said two things to me.
“That was hot” and “Wow you're sweating.”
Talk about value betting.
I spent $700 that night but that was the best $40 anyone could lay out.
I got action. And was paid off.
I have absolutely no self control.
Neither did she obviously.
She was a Hawaiian/Latina who lived in LA and liked to surf.
Or so she said.
Unfortunately, I never saw her again.
That was my last lap dance of the night too.
Some random guy sitting nearby with his friends mentioned that he almost blew a load watching that lap dance.
“Me too,” I said.
Then it hit me as she walked away.
I never caught her name.
So the NCAA games hadn’t even started and I was already in the hole.
The pressure was on.
I had to win.
Especially if I wanted to hit the strip club again.
Search for that perfect lap dance damnit!
Decision making is very important. And not just at the sportsbook or poker table.
It also applies to strip clubs and life in general.
I had a losing record at the sportsbook but I still won money.
Weighting your picks is key. I hit most of my big bets.
Hitting a few parlays also helps.
Did I mention the Wisconsin Badgers suck cock?
I could’ve spent that $550 at the strip club.
I will never bet on Wisconsin again.
Well, maybe I would if Waffles was betting against them.
Fade his picks.
Then ship it!
That is my real name
I arrived in Las Vegas on a Wednesday and played poker at the Red Rock Casino with Pauly.
Pauly got felted a couple of times and I lost $60 playing NL.
I lied to one stripper. I told her that I owned a huge dildo manufacturing and distribution company. She believed me too.
During a lap dance, some stripper asked me how my bracket was doing. I lied.
I went to Red Rock Canyon and saw some chicks modeling lingerie in a remote area. They thought Senor and I were jerking off to them. They later asked us to help them carry their stuff. It was a huge hike so Senor and I laughed and said we had enough exercise for one day.
Me, Pauly and his buddies Senor and Turtle met up with Miami Don at the sportsbook on Thursday and watched the games all day. That morning I clogged a toilet.
We went bowling at Red Rock Lanes. We had several prop bets going while jail bait and horny housewives surrounded us.
A few lanes down, several women looked like they were having a bachelorette party or something. As Miami Don noted, they can't all be pregnant.
Later on in the night, two rambunctious lesbians were bowling two lanes down from us. They were constantly hooting and hollering. And hugging.
We picked random frames and whoever bowled a strike won the $100 pot. Miami Don won 3 out of 4 times. He’s a money player but we kept busting his balls for hustling us because those were the only strikes he bowled all night.
I bowled 3 strikes in a row right out of the shoot but it was all downhill from there. Until I won a money ball that is.
Senor kicked ass all night.
There was a guy at the alley who was obviously on a date with a pro . . . she looked like a horny high school teenager too. Her pre-bowling routine was something to marvel at.
Turtle and Senor went to Cheetah Thursday night. They said it was as dirty as Pauly described. They loved every minute of it but it was no Rhino.
There was a Dan Mikalski sighting at Red Rock Casino.
There was a fight in the Red Rock sportsbook on Friday. Some guy got bitch slapped in the VIP section. He also had some racing forms thrown in his face. Miami Don and I couldn’t stop laughing.
There was only one hooker at the Red Rock hooker bar.
But there was also a hooker standing near the elevator bank scoping out the lobby bar scene. She winked and smiled at us a few times. I saw her standing at her post three days in a row. Some call that dedication.
We watched the games with JW and Friedman on Saturday. Most of the money I won that afternoon was blown at the strip club that night. I lost most of my week's sports betting profits at the Rhino. It was money well spent though. The Adopt a Stripper Foundation is a good cause.
I heard a stripper yelling at some guy for lying to her. Every stripper in the room who was riding straddle on a guy stopped grinding and looked over at the commotion. Someone yelled, “Time is money!” Immediately, all the strippers went back to work and started grinding in unison as if nothing happened.
As I was getting my last lap dance of the night I saw some guy jump up from his dance when he saw his friend across the room.
He mentioned to his buddy that he saw poker player David Williams by the Rhino bar earlier.
I wondered if Mr. Williams was sucking on a stripper’s foot that night? He does have a foot fetish you know.
I smirked and said to both guys, “That’s nothing bro. I saw Dr. Pauly in here the other night. Jerry Yang and Mel Judah too.”
That’s when a stripper said, “Oh I met Dr. Pauly. He’s a movie producer isn’t he?”
I finished off my sports betting trip going 0-3 on Sunday.
Stephen Curry and Davidson are pretty scrappy. They killed me all week but especially that day.
Good times though. I wouldn’t change a thing.
I always have a blast hanging out with Pauly, Senor and Miami Don.
I hadn’t seen Turtle in years. Or as he likes to tell strippers and drunk girls, "I'm Ryan Mansfield honey."
Pauly called him a mix between Larry David and Vince Vaughn.
For the first time in a very long time, Senor did not drop his pants.
Nah. What was it before you changed it?
Strip club stats: -1,200 for two visits
Poker stats: -300 two sessions
Bowling stats: -40 for 4 games. It would’ve been worse if I didn’t win one of the money balls.
Cigarette stats: -70 Two packs a day for 5 straight days
NCAA gambling stats:
9-14 over 4 days
UNC, Kansas, Western Kentucky, Louisville and Xavier were big winners for me. I lost most of my small and medium bets and one big one on Wisconsin. Luckily I won all of my other big bets. The strip clubs and the last day of the NCAA tourney killed me. I would’ve been up more if it weren’t for Davidson.
Once again UCLA won me some big money when they let Western Kentucky score a last second basket uncontested. That basket broke the spread.
Clyde Frazier would call that El Matador D or Swiss Cheese D by UCLA. I love point shavers.
The funny thing is that I tried to bet less this year. Last year I put down bets ranging from $1100 to $5500 on any one game.
I tried to be more responsible this year and topped out at $1100 on a game. But most of my bets were $550 and lower this year.
Hedging bets on parlays is key too.
I can’t wait to do it all over again next year.
Viva la March Madness!
You say goodbye . . . . .
and I say hello.
Fire Isiah Thomas please!