Welcome to Derek's Poker Blog

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Las Vegas - December 2009

Holiday Classic Recap

Apparently playing poker has made me a racist.

Seriously?

I profile, generalize, categorize, stereotype, size you up, make assumptions, etc. You name it, I do it. I make reads then play the odds. Good or bad.

Tiger Woods would be proud.

Really?

No doubt.


With minimal info, you have to outwit the competition any way you can.

This ability is great at the poker tables but not always in real life. It can often lead to some sort of misunderstanding. And it usually does.



It’s become a persistent behavior of mine, part of my everyday life.

Poker has made me a racist.

What should I do?

Besides fading Waffles picks that is.

They say the proof is in the pudding.

Yes, I’ve become a racist.

Or was I always one to begin with?

Elin Woods would not be proud.

Working? Not working?

Nope, not this time.

How’s the rash on your daughter’s pussy?

Definitely not.

Well, not this time anyway.

It’s something completely different as you will see.

There’s nothing too taboo.

I was standing outside the Palazzo sportsbook smoking a cigarette.

There was a blonde chick standing out front handing out discount cards/flyers to passersby. She was working on commission and was doing a piss poor job at getting people to take the free discount cards.

Here's some of the conversation we had . . .

If a group of people walk by, how many take it from you? Barely 1 in 4 I bet.

Yep. And to make matters worse, I’m not too good at this. It’s going to be a long day for sure. Hey, I see someone took your weed smoking spot over there.

That’s OK. I’ll manage.

I don’t know what to do. No one is taking the discount cards from me.

You’re not very good, huh? See those 4 black guys coming, go over to them. I’m 100% sure ALL of them will take it. They like discounts. Especially if it’s being handed out by a pretty white girl like yourself.

“That’s racist,” she says as she sprints over to the 4 black guys to hand them the discount cards.

I responded with, "I’m not a racist. I’m half Chinese, live in New York City and have tons of black friends. Latinos too. Hell, didn’t you say you’re from Oklahoma earlier? Have you even seen a black person before? Before you moved to Las Vegas?"

You have tons of black friends huh? Only a racist would say something like that after being called a racist.

They took it didn’t they? Maybe you should brush up on the triple slap maneuver instead of taking advice from a handsome racist.

Crickets.

Shit, am I a racist?

I like Tiger Woods.

Maybe I should run into the sportsbook and get Mustafa, Dawn Summers and the Rooster to prove to this chick I’m not a racist.

I’m a man of the people damnit, not a racist cracker.

Or am I?

Not sure.

One of my goals in life is to become a crazy dirty old man.

Maybe I should throw in racist pothead too.

Instead I just rolled my eyes, shook my head, put my cigarette out and started to walk back to the sportsbook.

The Archie Bunker walk of shame?

Not really.

There can be only one.

Before I could make my getaway, the blonde chick stopped me to say something.

Mustafa? Dawn Summers? Help!

So what the hell did she want now?

The blonde chick grabbed my arm and quickly whispers to me.

“So do you think those black guys will use the discount cards?"


* * * * *


Here's a video courtesy of Dr. Pauly . . .







The Challenge


After going to bed kind of early, I got up at 7am to play blackjack after clogging my third toilet and ran into ACH, Iggy and Caity at the Geisha bar.

They were on the tail end of an all night bender. ACH and Caity were closing in on 24 straight hours at the Geisha bar.

A quick question. Which is worse? Still being up at 7am after an all night bender drinking or waking up at 7am and drinking for breakfast?

I gambled on Roshambo with Iggy for money which led to him being challenged to a heads up poker match by a Drunk Canuck who had worse geography skills than an American. Viva los Canada City!!

Iggy was slightly tilted by my Roshambo play. He called me an angleshooter shortly before the Canuck arrived.

The Canuck immediately started making fun of us for gambling on our “hand signals” game.

Rocks papers scissors for our rolls?

That’s what Iggy said to the Canadian.

But this guy was a poker player. Not a gambler.

The drunk Canuck challenged Iggy for $1,000 since he was a baller who supposedly took $6,000 off someone at the Mirage.

Iggy wanted to play for $2,000 and quickly fanned out $2,000 at the bar for all to see. The female bartender got wet.

The Canuck said let’s do it but chickened out and asked to lower the stakes to $300 once ACH arranged the game in the IP poker room.

The Canuck was frightened by a midget with $2,000?

Heads up poker eh?

ACH wanted to take on the winner.


The Canuck was lucky but a decent player. He was also LOUD and drunk.

He quickly got quiet when midget Iggy mentioned he lived in Las Vegas and frequented the Loose Caboose in town.

He never touched the beer or the shot he bought.

A surly midget “from Las Vegas” will do that to anyone at the poker table.

The Loose Caboose?

The IP dealer thought that sounded like a gay bar.

Iggy says again for all to hear, “Rocks papers scissors for our rolls? The rake is gonna kill us.”



During the match, Iggy fell in love with this furry hat worn by a short Oriental man at one of the adjacent poker tables. Iggy offered the guy $10 for the hat.

He declined and asked for $50.

Soon enough, the Asian guy left his original table and sat down to play poker at ACH’s table. He looked like he was tilting too. He had just lost a pot to AlCantHang when I walked over and slammed $30 on the table.

I bought his furry hat for $30.

Sucker.

He gladly took the money and I gave the hat to Iggy.

Iggy put it on.

At the poker table, the sight of midget Iggy wearing a Bengals windbreaker jacket, hoisted up in a booster seat with a furry game worn communist winter hat would put anyone on tilt. Including the loud mouthed drunk Canuck sitting across from him.

Game on.



Iggy chopped one leg out from him.

Once again, midget Iggy says, “Rocks papers scissors for our rolls?”

Then Iggy made his fatal mistake.

He took the furry hat off.

The Canuck rallied back and felted our lovable midget.

The rake and tips took most of the Canucks profits.

Iggy challenged the guy for his entire roll. But this time he wanted to play heads up Chinese poker in his hotel room.

The IP poker room manager quickly said he would spread the game there and lower the rake.

The drunk Canuck was no longer loud and boisterous. He chickened out once again and said he had to go to bed. But not before he bought us all a drink at the bar where Iggy and I discussed Top 5 Tom Cruise movies.

We could only agree on three movies where he actually did some acting AND acted well enough to be on what Iggy called a “Tom Hanks and Brad Pitt acting level.”

Color of Money

Born on the Fourth of July

Risky Business



By this time, Pauly showed up after I texted him about the epic heads up poker match between the angry midget and drunk Canuck.

I liked Tom Cruise in Collateral and Cocktail but Iggy never saw them.

He liked Jerry Maguire but I DQ’d that since he DQ’d me on All the Right Moves. Quite ironic since a few minutes earlier he bought a pair of pink tinted Elvis sunglasses off of a hot Polish chick.

She was an authentic Polack too. Direct from Poland. I wish we could post that photo of him in the furry hat and sunglasses but midget Iggy didn’t want anyone to see the open sores on his upper lip. He thinks he got herpes during his last visit to Hilljack.

Don’t ask, don’t tell.


Taps gets an Honorable Mention though.

Don Swayze was at the bar and he disqualified us for trying to include The Outsiders. I’m sure Ralph Macchio would too. TC wasn’t the feature star in that flick.



Some drunk cowgirl tried to get us to include Days of Thunder, Far & Away and Tropic Thunder.

I smoked a pack of cigarettes in this 5 hour span (heads up poker 1 hour & Tom Cruise movies 4 hours).

I don’t even like Tom Cruise.

Stay away from those Scientology stress tests in Times Square.

Rocks papers scissors for our rolls?

The End.




Memorable Moments, Random Thoughts and the lowdown

I went to Emerils for dinner at the MGM with Pauly, Change100, Maudie and Kat. Maudie told us a great story about her being in New Orleans in 1975. My penis is still hard.

I ate too much food on this trip. Wynn Buffet, Kobe beef burgers at the Burger Bar, gigantic double cheeseburger with mash potatoes and bacon stuffed in between at the Hash House, and a Ribeye steak at Emeril’s. I think I broke my personal best “shitting record” on this trip. I lost count at 10. Unfortunately, I’m pretty sure I got the short end of the food consumption/defecation ratio. My pants are a little tight and my ass is still sore today. Viva Las Vegas!

Why do I keep thinking the Cracked Egg is called the Frosty Nipple??


Iggy was minding his own business when he got hit on by a female bartender. She didn’t have her daughter with her but her tits were HUGE. Iggy needs to have his own Bang Bros fetish site. Midget porn is the new facial fest.

I clogged several toilets this trip. My room at the IP suffered three cloggings. Derek 3, IP toilets 0.

Pai Gow TILT.


I was super bummed to not see G-Money, sweet sweet Gracie & Pablo, Human Head & Mrs. Head, Grubby, Bobby Bracelet, BG, Daddy, Jaxia, Donkeypuncher, Mr. & Mrs. Spaceman, GCox, et al. I wish they all came out to Las Vegas this year. You were all missed.

Last year, I bought Patrick Swayze a drink at the IP’s Geisha bar. This year, Don Swayze bought me and Steven Spielberg a drink. I love it. Who else can claim that?

It’s not a party until someone breaks something or mentions Dick Bro by name.


I was pretty bummed about not getting to play Working or Not Working with G-Money? Until next year bro. Get your bitch ass to the Casino Royale damnit!!

Drizz and Betty Underground each rubbed a $500 casino chip on my nipple. When Betty went to do it, my nipple got hard.

Some homeless guy tried to ask Stb for money while I smoked a cigarette on the strip. His approach was horrible. He started with, “What happened to the Cowboys and Tony Romo? They blew it today.”

I clogged the IP public restroom while listening to the Deal-a-tainers in the background. Derek 4, IP toilets 0.


I refused to eat at Outback without GMoney.

Mustafa was a big winner at craps, blackjack, Let it Ride and Roshambo. He spent a lot of his winnings on lap dances and hookers though. Holla!!

Marty said he’s starting a Let it Ride blog and he’s going pro.

Iggy cleaned up in roshambo but his kryptonite is Mustafa and big breasted bartenders.


Iggy called me an angle shooter at roshambo and confiscated my wager.

Mustafa admitted to me that he rolled a hooker. Holla!!

Great starting table during the tourney. I sat with Carmen, Pebbles, Drizz, LJ, Dan Michalski, Special K, Jeff, Ross and Dr. Chako’s wife.

During the Caesar’s blogger tourney, I busted Drizz and Pebbles. I always have AA. Ship it!!

I busted out of the tourney midway through after building a huge stack. I suck. At least my last longer team placed 3rd and won $144. Go Team Tao of Pot!! HammerGirls = 2nd. Team Roach wins.


Tradition: Drinking at the Geisha bar and the MGM sports book.

Rule #20.

No trips to the strip club for me. Sorry PKPNF but I just couldn’t support the local economy and single moms this time. Mustafa hit them up a few times though. Holla!!

The porn slappers are back!

The IP hooker bar was cleaned out . . . until Sunday that is. Thank you Jesus!!

I envy GROB’s hair. Who doesn’t really?

“Drunk Otis falls” is replaced by “Drunk Otis passes out.”



I hung out with Speaker’s girlfriend Emet while she bet on the ponies. She spotted Pete Rose aka Charlie Hustle sitting in one of the horse racing cubicles gambling on the ponies. Who needs the Hall of Fame!

Mustafa hustled a few cowboys and cowgirls for their rolls. Never shoot dice with an ex-con.

The Wynn buffet rocks. I ate a shitload of food there with Pauly and Change100. The bread pudding rules!


I clogged two toilets at the MGM. Derek 2, MGM toilets 0.

No keno tips this year from Professional Keno Player Neil Fontenot. Booo!!

Sore loser no more. Stb handled the Dallas Cowboys loss and the ribbing pretty well.


Getting another chance to be in the presence of Sir AlCan'tHang. Truly honored.

Sports book Sunday rocked.

Ass grabbing & boob grabbing. Thanks Kat!!

Chaka no like sleep.

12 packs of cigarettes in 5 days. Dirty dozen.

Chaka no like crystal meth.

Nice catch trout.

I was pumped to see ACH & Joe Speaker make the final table.

Bloody P to the rescue!!


I was cold decked in almost every table game I played. Or maybe I’m just a horrible gambler? Roshambo anyone?

J-E-T-S . . . Jets. Jets, Jets!!

The hookers love Mustafa. Holla!!!

Johnny Wall can play ball. No doubt.

GRob lives! I haven’t seen that guy in decades.

The IP now has beer pong just like O'Sheas.

Travis = gigli.

No back to back. The Defending champ Maigrey did well but Astin took it down this year after beating ACH heads up. Congrats to Astin and ACH!

During the final table, ACH would say several times, “Will someone bust the drunk guy already.” Joe Speaker would later say he thought ACH was talking about Joe and not himself.

Obie is a pool hustler!


Elevator betting with Pauly!

Garth and his girlfriend cleaned up at the sportsbook (see pic of me begging Gretchen for tips on the afternoon games).


Bartender at the Geisha bar unscrewed the 2nd bottle of SoCo for us within the first hour of ACH’s arrival.

I invaded a Pai Gow table w/ Pauly, ACH, and Stb.

I ate dinner at the Burger Bar with ACH, Pauly, Change100, and Maudie. Love the Kobe beef burgers and milk shakes.

I crashed early on Thursday and missed all the late night hijinks at the IP bar when Iggy and G-Vegas arrived. Booo!!

Not too many whores or working girls at the Geisha bar this year.

Who doesn’t love Waffles when he’s drunk?

Happy Birthday to Jordan!



Where’s ACH?

The Rooster got 86’d from 2 casinos in one night: the MGM and Green Valley. Is that a new record for bloggers?



ACH, F-Train, Obie, Change100 . . . anyone else make the final table more than once? I know they have.

Fade Waffles picks damnit.

Happy Hanukah to all my Jewish friends!

Pacman, Ms. Pacman and Galaga!


The private skybox at Emeril Lagasse's Stadium/Sportsbook at the Palazzo rocked. We had a huge room with a pool table, four TVs, and a video game machine.

The Bengals killed my parlay.

Great late night conversations with ACH, Iggy, Joe Speaker and Dr. Pauly.

Crab cakes, pizza and Stromboli . . . ship it!

A Las Vegas casino got robbed of $1mil the morning I left town?




Favorite Quotes & Tweets


The best thing about foie gras? You can taste the fear.

Buffalo with seared foie gras for dinner equals my "Suck it PETA" Burger

Get out, Dawn. It's not because you're black, it's because you're a Patriots fan.

"I hate it when a woman is bad at sex and uses too much teeth when she blows you." – SirWaffles

The clientele at the MGM is a cross between The Jersey Shore & Bonanza.

Iggy playing Roshambo w/ bartender... and lost... again. Waffles passed out at Geisha Bar... again.

Tao of Pot team breakfast. The Hash House does NOT have the kinda hash I was looking for.

Waffles trying to pick up cowgirls. Funny & sad. Like when a circus clown dies.

"Fuuuuck. Waffles bet on the Bengals? Shit." - dejected Derek staring at his Bengals betting slip.

OMG. Mischa Barton sighting at the IP. She's's slumming it & obviously looking for blow.


I'm not arrogant... I'm just shy.

Epic rock paper scissors. $100 a throw.

Derek clogged his toilet for the third time. He just ordered a Heineken.

That's a first. Entire poker table has been cut off (at MGM).

I took $300 from that cracker IGGY at Roshambo. gonna blow it @ rub n tug. Holla!

In Vegas. Met AlCantHang. He’s one crazy ass cracker. I like that guy. Remy Red versus Soco. Let the partying begin. Holla!!!


Current discussion at the MGM mermaid bar -- how do mermaids have sex?

Up and at em. Heading to the MGM for shenanigans. Only slightly wounded after epic first nite.

My third kid Potsie is pissed about his name. But I named all my kids after characters from 70's and 80’s sitcoms.





The Top 5 List: By the numbers . . .


5 – the # of bloggers that got hustled by Mustafa in a prop bet. Take that you crackers!

4 – the # of tricks I saw a working girl turn within 45 minutes. It was on a Sunday night too. I heard she also turns water into wine for an extra $200.

3 - the # of college girls I saw get mistaken for hookers at the IP Geisha bar. It always starts out with a misunderstanding doesn’t it?

2 – the # of times per hour I was asked why I didn’t have a twitter or facebook account. Isn’t a poker blog gay enough?

1 - the # of times I overheard a working girl tell her co-worker that she can’t believe nobody is buying pussy tonight. Later on, I saw her shooting dice with Mustafa around the corner from O’Sheas. I love Las Vegas.





That's a short video I took at O'Sheas before security busted me. Mustafa took on a couple of crackers at Guitar Hero for money.




*This post has been brought to you by my sponsors Archie Bunker, the Plumbers Union & PETA.

15 Comments:

At 12/16/2009 4:38 PM, Blogger SirFWALGMan said...

Jesus Christ are you the new Uber Blogger? Nice post! For the record I PICKED MN!!!!!!

Funniest pic is you with two trays of food eating. Love it! Great to see you again! I am going to start training this year so I DO NOT "fall asleep" again! Rocky has nothing on me!!!

 
At 12/16/2009 5:14 PM, Blogger Dr. Pauly said...

Wow. Epic. Best yet.

 
At 12/16/2009 5:19 PM, Blogger change100 said...

6 toilets? Jesus Christ...

 
At 12/16/2009 5:36 PM, Blogger Joe Speaker said...

Brilliant as always D.

Glad we got to hang out a shitload this year.

heh...shitload.

 
At 12/16/2009 6:10 PM, Blogger Ignatious said...

I don't know how you do it but it just keeps getting more epic every year.

kudos!!

 
At 12/16/2009 6:25 PM, Blogger StB said...

Still the best!

 
At 12/16/2009 8:57 PM, Blogger Human Head said...

We were sad we couldn't be here, as well, but your trip reports always make it better. They rule the planet.

 
At 12/16/2009 11:06 PM, Blogger Schaubs said...

That walk through the IP after a visit to Pauly's room was effing hilarious. It's like we were sharing a brain...

Wicked post dude.

 
At 12/16/2009 11:20 PM, Blogger GMoney said...

Epic Post as per usual my man. I was also sad I couldnt be there but your report was a fantastic glimpse into the annual bender.
Next year I will be there and I am bringing all the hoes back to the Geisha Bar with me. I will be wearing a long rabbit fur coat iggy purple glasses and drinking from a rhinestone goblet, so keep an eye out.

 
At 12/17/2009 10:47 AM, Blogger jjok said...

well done.....very well done.

I wondered the same about the blond chick outside. I kept thinking.....wtf is she doing just standing there.

Worst card giver ever.

 
At 12/17/2009 1:23 PM, Anonymous Mary said...

Classic, Derek, classic.

 
At 12/17/2009 1:44 PM, Blogger Astin said...

Tropic Thunder and Vanilla Sky for Tom Cruise roles. Granted, Thunder was a minor role, but he stole it.

And this would mark my second final table in two years for that WPBT bad boy. I think it's a prerequisite for winning.

 
At 12/17/2009 2:49 PM, Blogger Bloody said...

Great post man. Like Kerouac, but with even more fucked up friends.

Good to meet you,

BP

 
At 12/17/2009 3:16 PM, Blogger Ernest said...

Great post....and thorough. Loved #2 on Vegas by the numbers list. Tom Cruise's role in Magnolia is his best in my opinion.

-Ernest

P.S. The word verification I have to type in to post this comment is "mucks"

 
At 12/19/2009 1:54 AM, Blogger Matthieu said...

pow
epic post !

 

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