New York City

I had a great time last weekend.

I’m glad I got to pre-celebrate Iggy’s latest birthday in style with him, G-Money, Pauly, Stb, The Rooster, F-Train, Bobby and Elizabeth.

White Gold and the Swayzzz too.

No Gary Busey though.


Only a quick recap for me this time.

Go read Pauly’s posts if you want better details. He did a great job recanting the entire weekend and hijinks.

Bender 1

Bender 2

NYC Videos

NYC Prop bets

He also has a great photo gallery.



To summarize this weekend best . . .

Bar hopping.

Benders.

Dial-a-shots with AlCantHang.


Prop bets.

Angle shooting.

Amazing Cab races.

Pinball.

Afghan Wigs.

Yankee Stadium.


Wall Street.

Ground Zero.

Big Nick's.



The Bull.

Girder safety inspectors. Smoke always seemed to be coming out from the structure.

Romanians or Bulgarians?

Phone booth safety inspectors.




Utah get me two.

A female bartender let me smoke her weed.

Good friends.

Good times.



Oh yeah I almost forgot.

The Rooster took a dump in the ladies room at one bar near Bleecker Street. The men’s room had fresh ice in the urinal and toilet. Not sure why he passed on that.

Then a woman with a shaved head took a dump in the men’s room in a midtown bar the next day. I guess it was a “waiting on line” thing. Or maybe she just wanted to stink up the men’s room. She was a dyke you know.

And of course . . . we saw a lesbian wedding. Horny latinas too.

For the record, my two favorite Patrick Swayze movies are Red Dawn and Youngblood.






Here's some of my favorite pics from last weekend courtesy of Pauly . . .

May 9, 2008 = 4 years old

It's About High Time . . . .


Since I'm coming up on the 4th anniversary of my poker blog, I thought I’d go old school.

And when I say old school, I mean a bad beat story.

A real bad beat story.

So don’t get your hopes up.




Poker content. Real poker. You can bet on that.

Luckily, no hand histories will be posted here. There’s a little twist though.

Let's reverse it for once.

Instead of talking about getting a bad beat, I thought it would be better to talk about a bad beat I issued on someone. I don't hear enough stories about those kinds of beats.

You know, the ones where you’re the donkey.

It's more fun that way. In fact, let’s talk about two beats in particular.

Some would say they're bone rattling junk kickers.

I'd call them viscous beats. Without a doubt.

Can you feel the suckouts coming? I know they can.

It's not just about taking someone's money you know.

Sometimes it’s about taking their dignity too.



El maldito rio is what they called it in 2004 . . . for the other guy, not me. Some things never change.

Bad beats happen all the time. Some worse than others.

Mine are gold.

As you will soon see.

I was horrified at first. I shook my head both times.

After having some time to digest them, I've become quite fond of them.

I hope you do too.

It didn't take much to convince me. They're instant classics in my book.

It’s safe to assume that I am the donkey in each.





Suckout # 1:

I had K-To in late position and I was one of the big stacks in a tourney. This suckout was huge because the pot was three way and I had the worst hand preflop.

I went up against K-Js who had a real big stack too and T-T who had the shortest stack of the three of us.

I raised preflop after K-J limped. It was a huge over raise by me too. I got both guys to call with T-T moving all in for the rest of his chips.

The flop came down K-4-8 rainbow.

K-J moved all in on the flop. I thought forever before I made my decision. I said fuck it.

I was the big stack. Plus it was only one click away.

“Call,” I said to my computer screen.

Then I clicked the call button like any donkey would.

I didn’t know it at the time but I was about to witness a miracle.

The turn card was a K.

The river card was a Ten.

So freakin' sick.

The chat erupted with the usual banter. Some insults too.

1 beat. 2 players busted.

My big stack became a monster stack.

After a few barbs were sent my way.

I typed, “Ship it!” in the chat. Just to be a dick.

I don’t even remember how I did in that tourney. Nor do I care right now.

It’s about the memories, you see.

Sure, I play to win the game. But sometimes, it’s about making someone cry.

I’m pretty sure one of those guys cried that night. They always do after a bad beat.

This time would be no different.

I felt it in my heart.

I'd buy that for a dollar. Who wouldn't?



KT vs KJ vs TT:

Board is K48-K-T




Suckout # 2:


I had A-K.

My opponent had 4-4.

I raised preflop of course.

He called.

The flop comes down K-4-5.

He bet.

I raised.

I didn’t know it at the time but I was in trouble. Or so conventional wisdom would dictate.

Apparently, TPTK is gold against a set.

What happened next was brutal.

I know. You think I caught runner runner for the wheel, right?

Nope, think again.



This is what made the beat so chilling and tough to stomach.

The turn card was a 5.

Full house for him.

Two pair for me. With an Ace kicker I thought.

The river was a 5.

Someone got felted and it wasn't me.

“He had you on the turn,” someone typed in the chat.

No shit Sherlock.

That beat was rough for sure.

Hell, I didn’t even realize I won the pot at first.

Then Riverstars shipped it my way.

Wow.



“He had you on the turn.”

Yes, but you had me at hello.

Sure, I caught running 5's to win the pot with a higher boat.

But was I such a bad person?

I’m obviously a donkey. A river rat too. No arguments there.

Save it for your blog?

Let it go I say. Can’t we all get along?

Horrific beat? Sure.

But it's also a fine piece of art work. A masterpiece even.

My only regret is that my opponent didn't have more money.

Good bad beat stories are fun. You can't charge anyone for listening to those, can you?

Do you smell what I'm cooking?

Here's to 4 more years you crackers!!


AK vs 44:

Board is K45-5-5


Speaking of bad beats and crackers . . . poor poor Tommy from Angel Beach had to deal with this chick tugging at his tallywhacker. Mustafa tells me he's seen worse beats than Beulah Balbricker. I don't doubt that for one second.

Enjoy . . .

March Madness 2008

What’s your real name?

Most poker players blow their winnings in the sport book or at the craps tables.

Not me.

I blow mine on strippers.

-EV indeed.

At least strippers provide high quality entertainment. Especially at the Rhino.

There was one lap dance in particular that was pretty intense.

It happened between the main stage and the bar.

It was pretty similar to crunch time during a close NCAA tournament game.

March Madness indeed.


I practically had sex that first night at the Rhino.

Technically speaking, it was the best 5 minutes of both our lives.

I’m pretty sure of that.

The best part . . . it only cost me $40.

She stained my pants too.

They call it the reverse cowgirl.

After it was over, she twirled around and said two things to me.

“That was hot” and “Wow you're sweating.”

Very hot.

Talk about value betting.

I spent $700 that night but that was the best $40 anyone could lay out.

I got action. And was paid off.

I have absolutely no self control.

Neither did she obviously.

She was a Hawaiian/Latina who lived in LA and liked to surf.

Or so she said.

Unfortunately, I never saw her again.

That was my last lap dance of the night too.

Some random guy sitting nearby with his friends mentioned that he almost blew a load watching that lap dance.

“Me too,” I said.

Then it hit me as she walked away.

I never caught her name.

So the NCAA games hadn’t even started and I was already in the hole.

The pressure was on.

I had to win.

Especially if I wanted to hit the strip club again.

Search for that perfect lap dance damnit!




Decision making is very important. And not just at the sportsbook or poker table.

It also applies to strip clubs and life in general.

I had a losing record at the sportsbook but I still won money.

Weighting your picks is key. I hit most of my big bets.

Hitting a few parlays also helps.

Did I mention the Wisconsin Badgers suck cock?

I could’ve spent that $550 at the strip club.

I will never bet on Wisconsin again.

Well, maybe I would if Waffles was betting against them.

Fade his picks.

Then ship it!




That is my real name


I arrived in Las Vegas on a Wednesday and played poker at the Red Rock Casino with Pauly.

Pauly got felted a couple of times and I lost $60 playing NL.

I lied to one stripper. I told her that I owned a huge dildo manufacturing and distribution company. She believed me too.

During a lap dance, some stripper asked me how my bracket was doing. I lied.




I went to Red Rock Canyon and saw some chicks modeling lingerie in a remote area. They thought Senor and I were jerking off to them. They later asked us to help them carry their stuff. It was a huge hike so Senor and I laughed and said we had enough exercise for one day.






Me, Pauly and his buddies Senor and Turtle met up with Miami Don at the sportsbook on Thursday and watched the games all day. That morning I clogged a toilet.






We went bowling at Red Rock Lanes. We had several prop bets going while jail bait and horny housewives surrounded us.

A few lanes down, several women looked like they were having a bachelorette party or something. As Miami Don noted, they can't all be pregnant.

Later on in the night, two rambunctious lesbians were bowling two lanes down from us. They were constantly hooting and hollering. And hugging.

We picked random frames and whoever bowled a strike won the $100 pot. Miami Don won 3 out of 4 times. He’s a money player but we kept busting his balls for hustling us because those were the only strikes he bowled all night.


I bowled 3 strikes in a row right out of the shoot but it was all downhill from there. Until I won a money ball that is.

Senor kicked ass all night.

There was a guy at the alley who was obviously on a date with a pro . . . she looked like a horny high school teenager too. Her pre-bowling routine was something to marvel at.



Turtle and Senor went to Cheetah Thursday night. They said it was as dirty as Pauly described. They loved every minute of it but it was no Rhino.

There was a Dan Mikalski sighting at Red Rock Casino.

There was a fight in the Red Rock sportsbook on Friday. Some guy got bitch slapped in the VIP section. He also had some racing forms thrown in his face. Miami Don and I couldn’t stop laughing.

There was only one hooker at the Red Rock hooker bar.

But there was also a hooker standing near the elevator bank scoping out the lobby bar scene. She winked and smiled at us a few times. I saw her standing at her post three days in a row. Some call that dedication.

We watched the games with JW and Friedman on Saturday. Most of the money I won that afternoon was blown at the strip club that night. I lost most of my week's sports betting profits at the Rhino. It was money well spent though. The Adopt a Stripper Foundation is a good cause.


I heard a stripper yelling at some guy for lying to her. Every stripper in the room who was riding straddle on a guy stopped grinding and looked over at the commotion. Someone yelled, “Time is money!” Immediately, all the strippers went back to work and started grinding in unison as if nothing happened.

As I was getting my last lap dance of the night I saw some guy jump up from his dance when he saw his friend across the room.

He mentioned to his buddy that he saw poker player David Williams by the Rhino bar earlier.

I wondered if Mr. Williams was sucking on a stripper’s foot that night? He does have a foot fetish you know.

I smirked and said to both guys, “That’s nothing bro. I saw Dr. Pauly in here the other night. Jerry Yang and Mel Judah too.”

That’s when a stripper said, “Oh I met Dr. Pauly. He’s a movie producer isn’t he?”

Sure.

I finished off my sports betting trip going 0-3 on Sunday.

Stephen Curry and Davidson are pretty scrappy. They killed me all week but especially that day.




Good times though. I wouldn’t change a thing.

I always have a blast hanging out with Pauly, Senor and Miami Don.

I hadn’t seen Turtle in years. Or as he likes to tell strippers and drunk girls, "I'm Ryan Mansfield honey."

Pauly called him a mix between Larry David and Vince Vaughn.

Dead on.

For the first time in a very long time, Senor did not drop his pants.

Awesome trip.


Nah. What was it before you changed it?


STATS:

Strip club stats: -1,200 for two visits
Poker stats: -300 two sessions
Bowling stats: -40 for 4 games. It would’ve been worse if I didn’t win one of the money balls.
Cigarette stats: -70 Two packs a day for 5 straight days



NCAA gambling stats:
9-14 over 4 days
+800

UNC, Kansas, Western Kentucky, Louisville and Xavier were big winners for me. I lost most of my small and medium bets and one big one on Wisconsin. Luckily I won all of my other big bets. The strip clubs and the last day of the NCAA tourney killed me. I would’ve been up more if it weren’t for Davidson.


Once again UCLA won me some big money when they let Western Kentucky score a last second basket uncontested. That basket broke the spread.

Clyde Frazier would call that El Matador D or Swiss Cheese D by UCLA. I love point shavers.


The funny thing is that I tried to bet less this year. Last year I put down bets ranging from $1100 to $5500 on any one game.

I tried to be more responsible this year and topped out at $1100 on a game. But most of my bets were $550 and lower this year.

Hedging bets on parlays is key too.

I can’t wait to do it all over again next year.

Viva la March Madness!

You say goodbye . . . . .



and I say hello.




Fire Isiah Thomas please!

You play to win the game . . .

Saturdays with Dr. Pauly

The Rooster won it last week.

But that was because I didn't play. I was preoccupied stuffing my face in public.

I knocked The Rooster out of the tourney the first week.

I hope to do so again.

To be the man, you got to beat the man.

Woooooo!

Thank you, come again.

Poker Tales . . .

From the Darkside

It happened about 12 years ago to the day.

I remember it like it was yesterday. Though it feels like a really long time ago.

I was only 20 at the time.

Bill Clinton was President back then.

They called him Slick Willy.

You know, there's a lot of things we won't be telling Mrs. Clinton.



We definitely had more street cred in those days. Gas, booze, weed and cigarettes were also cheaper.

Alot of things have changed since then.

I guess I shouldn't hold out hope for a John Travolta/Cheech Marin ticket.

They said it would happen one day. Just like Ronald Reagan.

Well, maybe not the Cheech part.



So what happened 12 years ago you ask?

I broke a promise that day.

Doesn't sound too special does it?

I was still in college then and living in a fraternity house. A bunch of us decided to play some poker one night. We invited a few sorority girls.

Not one hand of Holdem was played.

No strip poker either.



The girls crushed Omaha.

Before we played, I made a promise to the group that night.

I promised I would not bluff.

"I never bluff," I said. Followed by a quick, "I promise you."

I lied of course.

I stole alot of pots that night.

I always have the nuts.

That's what I told everyone.

Bill Clinton would be proud.



I've had 12 years to reflect on this.

My conclusion?

Broken promises don't upset me.

Instead, I just think . . . why did they believe me?

Fools? Suckers?

George W Bush would be proud. Dick Cheney too.



Something strange happened later that night.

I took one of the girls back to my room.

A bong hit for the lady?

We didn't exhale.

Cheech and Chong would be proud.



We eventually got naked after some negotiating.

What was so strange about that?

To this day, I swear that girl had no asshole.

It was missing.

Nowhere to be found.

I swear.

I tried.

How is that possible?

I have no clue.


I wish they had cell phones with cameras back then.

The Rooster would be proud.

In fact, I can't remember anyone having a cell phone back then.

I double checked and triple checked.

Yep, no asshole.

WTF?

Is that even possible?

Why did I care anyway?

Why was I looking to begin with?

I blame it on positioning.

Position is key, as we all know.

WWTKD?



What Would Ted Kennedy Do?

Exactly what I did.

I had another drink. Then I took my pants off.

Whoever bets at the pot first, takes it down.

It was very interesting I must say.

A third breast would've been cool though. That's for sure.

I guess it could've been worse.

Uh, yeah.


Who cares if she had no asshole, right?

At least she had a vagina.

I rarely say the words, "I promise" to anyone. I just can't do it.

It would be hard to keep a straight face. Especially after that night.

I'm even smirking right now.

Broken promises happen all the time.

True.

So who's going to win the 2008 Presidential Election?

I have no clue.

Either way, first prize is a Cadillac Eldorado. And second prize is a set of steak knives.




The real question.

Which candidate would you buy a used car from?

I know one thing for sure . . . she definitely had no asshole.

Poke her tail.

Do it now.

Governor Schwarzenegger would be proud.



Does a straight beat a flush?

Today it does.

Poke her tail.

Poke her tail.

Saturdays with Dr. Pauly . . . .

AVN Adult Entertainment

I'm not sure about you but I prefer the old school terminology better.

Porn Expo.

Flipchip is covering the AVN Adult Entertainment Expo in Las Vegas. What a lucky man. He's got some pretty sweet photos of porn stars and strippers.

I saw part of a nipple in one pic.

Flipchip has a good eye.

I wonder if he's going to the AVN Awards Show. Excuse me, I mean the Porn Awards.

Does Flipchip need an assistant this week?

Go check out his Day 1 photo gallery of the lovely ladies.

Here's some more AVN pics:

Day 2

Day 3

Day 4

I'll be wanking off to this one for years to come.

photo by flipchip • lasvegasvegas.com



Thank you Flipchip.

Merry Christmas

Holiday Classic Recap

December 2007

I find myself gambling less and less at these events. I've been to six out of seven since 2004. The funny thing is that I have more money to throw around now compared to the first few times we invaded Las Vegas. So what's wrong with me?

Being the sixth one, it's certainly easier to socialize because I know almost everyone by now.

Is that the reason?

Less gambling and more conversation.

Maybe it's a quality versus quantity issue?

I certainly bet bigger to make up for it.

Getting wasted is a priority.

So is hanging out with my friends.

Las Vegas is also a great place to people watch. I can gamble anytime.

Short sessions are better anyway. Hit and run.

Sometimes it's more fun to watch your friends gamble. Granted, it's not the same rush but at least it frees up one hand for smoking and the other for drinking.

But consider the people involved. I'm watching bloggers gamble damnit.

As you all know, Chaka likes to watch.

Voyeur?

Yep.

Pervert?

Perhaps.

There's a good chance I'm looking down your shirt for some cleavage action if you're a female so watch out.

Or you can do me a favor and make it easier by opening another button or two.

Maudie, Gracie, Kat??

I recently participated in an office harassment training class. We all did. Not just me.

They said leering was a form of harassment. It's improper behavior for the work place.

There was no pass or fail. You showed up, you were good. Ship it!

In Las Vegas, a push is a win.

PAI GOW!!

How many vices do you have?

Some say more than one is too many.

I disagree.

Who wants to ROSHAMBO for $100?




The Zoot Suit(ed) Shakedown


GMoney and I like to play this game called, "Working or not working."

He would pick someone who was obviously a hooker and I would say, "No way."

He would then go into the pros as to why the girl was a pro.

Her looks. Her clothes. The amount of skin being shown. The fact that she was dressed up and completely sober at 4am. She's sitting by herself at the bar. She has a pimp lurking in close proximity. The usual tells.

Sometimes one of us would go over and talk to the girl to see if she really was a hooker. We'd also listen to her sales pitch and find out more about her.

The conversation can turn quickly.

Nothing beats a nice dirty conversation. Especially in public.

"Whatever price she says, go $100 lower. She'll do it," GMoney would say.

Lowball is a good game but I prefer Razz.

Be friendly and talk to the working girls. Look but don't buy.

And don't get rolled.

Working or not working?

What's great about this game is you can play it anywhere. On the strip, in a hooker bar, in a restaurant, sitting at a table. It is Las Vegas.

Hookers in Las Vegas are sort of like actors in Hollywood.

Everywhere you look, you see one or someone that looks like one.

The only difference . . . there aren't too many out of work hookers in this town. Even the old ones were working.

They also seem to have a pretty good turnover rate.

I spent way too much time at the Geisha bar.

I wonder what the over/under is on how many clients the average Las Vegas casino hooker has had come 3am.

Hey Urkel, can you crunch those numbers on your computer?

Let's keep playing working versus not working.

You keep saying no and I'll convince you why they are.

Let's do it.


First Call?


This one prostitute at the IP hooker bar kept pestering me to take her up to my room.

I kept playing the game with her to find out her price.

I laughed when she told me her rate.

What did GMoney say again?

Move the line. Go $100 lower.

She claimed to be a 21 year old Puerta Rican girl from Atlantic City.

I have a weakness for hot horny latinas.

Who doesn't really?

She had a back tattoo. And a stomach tattoo.

After several drinks with GMoney and the working girl, I took off for the restroom.

She followed.

And waited near the slots for me.

That's an Atlantic City move. The hookers over there do that. Late night, they'll sit by the slot machines that are closest to the main cage and wait for guys to cash out with a big stack. That's when they attack. I call that Stealth Ho-rilla warfare mode.

The hookers will pounce out of a row of slot machines vying for your attention. Who will get to you first? Does it resemble a VC jumping out of rice paddy for his kill?

Sort of but not really. The surprise factor is there for sure.

But you don't get to choose.

It's more like drug dealers jumping out of the bush in Washington Square park to sell you a dime bag.

But I was just using the restroom?

Mrs. Spaceman once told me they can smell the cash in my pocket. That was at the Borgata.

I believed her. Still do.

So I come out of the restroom and the hooker asked me what I was doing.

I just finished taking a shit honey.

How'd you like to be my first client?

Ever?

No, dummy. Today. My first of the day.

I thought, "Sweet!"

Wait, don't say that.

Being a working girl is very similar to playing poker.

They're both really one long session aren't they?

First of the day . . . no thanks.

Put it in your spank bank and move on.




Speechless during the end around

BadBlood and I ordered the exact same meal and wine at Nob Hill. It was great.

It was a huge tab but surprisingly nowhere near the over/under that was set.

We both licked our plates clean.

We both had Gus Hansen shirts on.

Later on, we were having a drink at the bar and a working girl approached.

She said hi to Badblood first.

I said, "How you doin' tonight?"

Good but I'd be doing better if I was sucking your dicks.

Uh . . . uh, uh uh??

A few seconds felt like 10 minutes.

BadBlood and I got a quick lesson on the "hard sell" versus the "soft sell."

Two for one?

Burn'em and churn'em.

Are you keeping up with the Kardashians?

Mustafa is. That's for sure.

He likes Bruce Jenner and his big booty step daughter, Kim.

OJ Simpson should've done what I did.

I walked away quietly.

They call that the hard sell.

I'm still speechless.

Working or not working?



Memorable moments and the lowdown:

-I got to sit at a NL cash table with Sweet sweet Pablo, Change100, Mary, Johnny Hughes, Karol, Vinay and a few others on the first day of the trip. Karol got felted when her boat lost to quad Aces. As she was waiting for her rebuy to arrive, she got felted again. When the chips arrived, she signed the release and they gave her chips away. REBUY!!

-Stepping out of the cab line to jump into a stretch limo with BG, Maudie, Iggy, Pauly and Change100 so we could get to dinner on time.

-The procedure.

-Does your technique include a lot of hand action?

- I tried to get Gracie to pretend she was my fiance. I wanted to tell one of the working girls that we wanted to do a threesome before we got married by Elvis the next day.

-12 hours of sleep in 4 days.

-Bet the over. I smoked 8 packs in 4 days.

-I lost a quiet $400. Mostly on the tourney buy-in and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. I should've listened to April and bet the Texans. The Cowboys killed me too. Thank goodness for blackjack.

-My goal of smoking one pack for every hour I slept went unaccomplished. I fell short by 4 packs.

-Benny Hiroshima: If you're lucky to meet this guy, you'll find that he looks like Joe Speaker. That guy sat at every table I was moved to in the blogger tourney. He eventually busted me. It felt like a bad acid flashback every time he took a big pot off me. I think he had a superuser account and saw my hole cards. AK sucks. He also busted Roberto Colunga and got his Jesus gift as a bounty.

-The Geisha bar.

-Getting to party all night with GCox, Iggy, GMoney, AlCantHang, Gracie, Pablo and everyone else.

-Irish Jim is a riot.

-Playing blackjack with Garth and Bobby.

-Sweet Sweet Pablo and I bet on the wheel spins at the IP. The choices were Money or Product. I chose Product. People were getting pissed when I wanted them to win a mug or towel instead of $100. Product!!

-Asian Jew?

-Puff, puff give.



-The Rooster wins . . . give me the chedda!

-Otis rules!!

-I had great meals at Nob Hill (MGM), Trevi (Caesars) and the Mirage.

-The wrong approach: an 18 yr old working girl asked Iggy and I if we could get her high in our rooms. Iggy asked her how much she was willing to pay for weed. She walked away. Maybe she was talking about getting high on Jesus?

-MGM mixed games and the sportsbook bar. Where did all these Brits come from?


-The Rooster was about to be insulted by some woman who was exiting the elevator. She noticed he was wearing a Yankee hat. She asked if he watched the World Series. She was obviously waiting for the right moment to make fun of the Yanks for getting bounced. She was from Colorado and also asked if The Rooster ever heard of the Rockies. Before she could get in her barb, the Rooster stopped her in her tracks and said, "No, never heard of them. Are they in the big leagues?" She had no response and the doors closed. Everyone in the elevator broke out into laughter.

-Las Vegas is very smoker friendly.


-Tony Romo is one lucky mofo.

-O'Sheas has beer pong tables and pretty good breakfast burritos with biscuits and gravy.

-GCox has a pretty cool wife.

-Went to Outback with GMoney and crushed some steaks.

-Getting another chance to be in the presence of Sir AlCan'tHang. Truly honored.

-Stained cigarette fingers.

-Change100 picked my wardrobe for the Nobhill dinner. I had three shirts with me and she picked the Gus Hansen shirt. FTrain was proud.

-Okie's rule . . . Go Maudie and GCox!

-Sore loser.


-Chaka no like crystal meth.

-Sweet sweet Gracie.

-How would you like to make $14 the hard way?

-Viva los Grubby y Grubette.

-Multiple Craps tournaments.


-Grubbette was cagey at the tourney. She kept re-raising me and I folded every time.

-Sports book Sunday. I forgot to bet on the Bengals this year. I'm 2-1 in previous years. It's called the Iggy bet. It's followed by a Greyhound. Then you wait for the money to roll in.

-Meeting Johnny Hughes was awesome. He had a ton of great stories and was a class act.

-I sat with a ton of people at the blogger tourney: Russ Fox, Johnny Hughes, Grubette, Mary, Joe Speaker, Alan Penner, FTrain, The Rooster, Byron, Otis, Blinders, Bobby, Dr. Pauly, Miami Don, Carol, Surly Poker Gnome, Dario Minieri and Benny Hiroshima.

-Chaka no like sleep.


-Sweet sweet Pablo.

-I was introduced to Tripjax's wife like 10 times. We both laughed about it and stopped telling people we already met come the 5th time. We re-shook hands every time and laughed.

-Some blogger at my table said he won a tourney earlier in the day. I leaned over to Mary and said, watch . . . I bet he's the first one at the table knocked out. Sure enough he was.

-Smoking cigarettes with Gracie.

-The Mark = The Gigli



-During the blogger tourney, I got hit in face with the deck after the first break.

-I got KK, AA and AA in three consecutive hands and won each time. Ship it!

-Think I got AA four times. KK twice. QQ three times and JJ three times. I won more pots and more money with junks hands though. I lost everytime with JJ.

-At one point, I think all of the NYC bloggers were still in the tourney when it got down to 4 tables. Most of us made it to the final 3 tables too. A new Yorker won . . long live The Rooster.

-Two words: Mean Gene

-The Fat Guy is the coolest dude. I'm so glad he made the trip.

-Aussie Aussie Aussie . . . Garth, Garth, Garth.



-Rule #20.

-All night benders.

-Joo the Pai Gow dealer. Nuff said.

-Your blog is my homepage.

-Can I get a link?

-Bobby walked up to Pauly and I while we were waiting to place our football bets. He mentioned that we might want to look at his picks and fade them since he's doing horribly this season. We laughed because we were planning to fade Waffles picks.

-Nice catch donkey.

-Tons of Brits and cowboys. What no porn stars?

-Crown Royal: official booze of the IP.

-Floyd "Pretty Boy" Mayweather vs. Ricky Hatton.


-I was rocking a King suite at the IP.

-That was one fresh jam.

-Schecky and Jen Leo rule.

-Otis is a Pai Gow god.

-Deja vu all over again: I was at the IP bar on Sunday morning at 7am ... sleepless and hanging with GCox getting drunk. Cigarettes were also smoked.

-I learned that Miami Don really likes Eric Mangini's play calling ability.




-Watching the Rooster short buy into a NL cash game and proceed to donk off his stack on the first hand then walk away.

-I heard a knock at the door and that's when I had to jump behind the bed and hide.

-The Eagles lost because Marky Mark didn't suit up for the game.

-It's 1st and 10. Mangini is calling for the field goal unit again.

-Watching Iggy and The Rooster tell the Brits that Mayweather was going to kick Hatton's ass.



-I woke up 30 minutes early on Thursday morning in NYC so I could get high before the taxi arrived to take me to JFK airport. A 5am wakeup was well worth it.

-It was the first time in awhile I did not clog a toilet on the road. I tried.

-I was only allowed to do # 1 in Change100's toilet.



-ABC.

-Yeah but I saw her first.

-We tried to set an over/under on how many dildos Dr. Jeff has pulled out of people's rectums in the ER. Do you mean successful removals? Or overall attempts? Ouch.

-There was a really fucked up cigarette lady at the IP. I bought some smokes off her at 3am. Come 9am, she was stumbling around and slurring her speech. She looked like she was hopped up on something. I saw her later on in the sports book selling smokes. She was clocking the Giants/Eagles game. I'm sure she had some action on the game. Later on, she walked by yelling, "Anyone need any cigarettes? Cigarettes, gum, cigars, Go Eagles!"



Feel my hammer

As I was sitting near Maudie and Mary at the bar, a random girl started talking to me.

Working or not working?

What do you think?

She asked if Maudie or Mary was my wife.

"One is my ex and the other is my current," I said.

Which one?

Does it matter? They're both pretty liberal. What do you think about 3 chicks and 1 guy?

Pretty forward huh? It's a good thing I'm working then.

I figured that much. So would that be considered an orgy?

You need at least 2 vaginas and 2 penises for it to be considered an orgy.

Since when do you need two penises to make up an orgy? I think anything more than a threesome is an orgy. Three vaginas should count.

Not really. What would you call it if 3 guys were having sex with 1 girl? A gang bang right? What you want is a reverse gang bang.

I like the way you think.

Choo, choo!

Time for a smoke break.



Smell my fingers?

Some hooker kissed me on the cheek at the hooker bar. Doh.

The last time I ran away from the bar that fast, I had to puke.

I ran this time out of fear of getting herpes.

I had to wash my face. And fast.

How many dicks did that girl suck before she kissed me?

Pauly said it was only midnight so maybe 10 penises . . . minimum.



Last Call

Let's say it's 5am and it's a slow night for the working girls.

Do you think their prices drop as their shift comes to a close?

Kind of like a discount or going out of business sale.

We could always ask.




Here comes The Rooster!

It was around 1am on Friday when I got a call.

It was The Rooster.

I was in the middle of a bender.

A Grubby bender?

Nope, no slots involved here. Just booze, weed and gambling.

The Rooster was drunk off his ass and had no clue when his flight was. He didn't know the airline or airport either.

I laughed.

He was serious.

Totally screwed I thought.

He wasn't going to make it?

That's what I told Pauly and sweet sweet Pablo.

Joe Speaker saved the day though.

The Rooster called him next.

Speaker hacked into the Rooster's account and found out his flight info for him. The Rooster barely made it.

In 24 hours, he would be champ.

He won the blogger tourney you know.

Holy smokes!

Joe Speaker called it a stampede when word got out that it was Otis versus The Rooster heads up. The bar emptied fast.



That Rooster is one cagey mofo.

Congrats to The Rooster and Otis for doing a kick ass job and representing.

New York!

G-Vegas!

By the way, Mustafa has told me on several ocassions that Otis and The Rooster are his favorite bloggers.

Well, he calls them his favorite crackers.

You get the picture.



The Top 15 List: By the numbers . . .

15 - the # of empty shot glasses ACH had stacked up at the bar. It was a light dinner.
14 - the # of hookers that I talked to in 4 days at one bar. I heard it was a slow week.
13 - the # of hookers that propositioned me in those 4 days. I guess I wasn't that one girl's type.
12 - the # of times a dealer caught 21 on me when I had 20.
11 - the # of Pai Gow hands it took me to go on tilt. I lost 11 in a row right out of the shoot.
10 - the # of bong hits I took before I went to JFK for my 8:30AM flight. Wake and bake.
9 - the # of bad beats I heard without collecting a single dollar.
8 - the # of cowgirls I saw wearing Crown Royal gear at the Geisha Bar. Working or not working?
7 - the # of times I heard Iggy say the word "please" when talking to a drunk British guy who thought Ricky Hatton was going to win.
6 - the # of times I heard Asian Jew shouted out in the first level of the blogger tourney.
5 - the # of times Sir F asked me if he was slurring his speech. He was. We were at the Venetian bar before he fell asleep there.
4 - the # of times I heard someone compliment GRob's hair. And he wasn't even in Las Vegas.
3 - the # of times The Rooster told a 60 year old Polish hooker that ACH had herpes and 3 kids.
2 - the # of drunk cowgirls that GMoney picked up at the bar.
1 - the # of times Grubby made a stripper squirt on his chest during a lapdance.



Pauly called it "one of the most dramatic final tables in the history of the WPBT" as The Rooster beat Otis heads up for the 4th annual Holiday Classic championship.

Over 120 players signed up and the top 20 places paid. I made it to the final three tables before I busted out.

Final table results:

1. The Rooster
2. Otis
3. Kuro Kitty
4. Schecky
5. Columbo
6. Grubby
7. Miami Don
8. Instant Tragedy
9. Change100
10. Drizz

Pauly, Johnny Hughes, CK, Mary, JoeSpeaker, Brian (from Poker Atlas), Biggestron, Blinders, Falstaff, and Julian all cashed to round out the top 20.



Many thanks to Falstaff for setting this gathering up and picking the Venetian to host the tourney. Great job bro.

This was a great trip. I had a ton of fun hanging out and can't wait to do it again.

There were a few things missing from the trip though, namely Daddy and Jaxia.

Save the donkeyfucker, save the world.

Great times.


This post has been brought to you by my sponsor the United Working Girls of Las Vegas. Unionize!

*Some pictures were stolen from Pauly and Instant Tragedy.

Gone Fishing . . .

I'm heading to Las Vegas tomorrow.

Unfortunately my current burrito streak will come to an end because of the trip. I ate two this week to make up for it.

See you mofos in Las Vegas.

A bad case of the Mondays . . .

I like to give people nicknames at work. Usually behind their back.

One guy looks like Milhouse from the Simpson's. This guy is a dead ringer for the little Van Houten boy.

I recently found out that other people at work call him Milhouse too. I wonder if he knows?

I have an assistant. She thinks Milhouse is a horny pervert. He always tries to look down her shirt. She has huge boobs.



Two weeks ago, I gave Milhouse a new nickname.

It was shortly after 9am on a Monday morning.

I was on my way to the restroom. I wanted wash the NYC subway off my right hand. That's when it happened. It changed a few lives that day.

Milhouse shot out of his office like a subway rat looking for food.

Only Milhouse was grabbing his ass checks.

He was kind of running but not really. It closely resembled the peepee dance. A fast start out of the gate turned into slow motion.

Be quick but don't hurry.

The last 10 feet to the restroom was the tough stretch for him.

He was obviously in pain.

I'm sure a stall door was kicked opened. He was lucky there was an opening.

Renegade gunslingers are known to kick open a saloon door or two when they mean business.

Milhouse was all about business. Crisis Management will do that to you, especially on a Monday morning.

I entered the bathroom to thunderous applause.

Milhouse was sitting in stall numero uno.

His shoes were off.

They were pushed to the side?

I heard toilet paper rustling.

No pants by his ankles?

I heard him muttering to himself.

Yes, Milhouse shit his pants.

I repeat. Milhouse shit his pants.

Milhouse was seen leaving the office at 10am . . . briefcase in hand.

Never to return?

He came back to work 2 days later.

If you haven't figured it out by now, I'll tell you his new nickname.

It's Mr. Hershey.

I was a big fan of that board game Clue.

And yes . . .

Mr Hershey did it.

In the bathroom.

With the plunger?

Poor poor Mr. Herhsey.



I'd like to thank Dr. Pauly for sucking out on me in a NL tournament hosted by Wil Wheaton. He busted me on a three way hand.

Nice catch donkey!

I wish everyone a wonderful Thanksgiving week!



Bonus Code: Pauly