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Thursday, December 14, 2006

Holiday Classic Recap

December 2006

I didn't sleep much this trip. I arrived on Thursday and left late Monday night. In total, I slept 8 hours in 5 days. Sick.

It's a good thing though. Sleeping means you miss the hijinx. I've witnessed some of the craziest shit between the hours of 2am and 8am during these Las Vegas trips.

This trip was no different.

I shaved a few more years off my life but it was worth it. GCox was a champ and slept even less than me. I was impressed. He was a pretty cool guy and fun to party with.

I had alot of fun this trip even though I lost over $1,000. That's US Dollars folks. Thank goodness it wasn't Euros or British Pounds.

After I lost my one thousandth dollar of the trip, which was in the IP poker room, I walked back to the hooker bar . . . err . . . the Geisha Bar with Change100 and Rachel Spacewoman.

After we passed the Pai Gow table, I turned to the ladies and mentioned that I only had $42 in my pocket at that time.

I needed to reload.

My junk hurt but I was ok. The loss didn't hurt that bad.

I'm just a sore loser.

Who isn't really? No one likes losing money no matter what the amount.

* * * * *

Rachel: You lost over $1,000? That stinks Derek.
Derek: Yeah. I don't even have enough money to buy a hooker right now.
Rachel: There's nothing you can get for $42?
Derek: Not at the hooker bar. I should just walk up to one of the hoes and tell her that I lost a shitload of money. Maybe she'll feel sorry for me.
Change100: I don't think they give discounts.
Derek: Hey honey, I got $42 . . . what can that buy me? My ass already hurts from losing money . . . how about two fingers up my asshole? One finger??
Change100: Smoke break.
Derek: Agreed. Maybe I'll bring Rachel with me when I approach that blonde hooker.

Fucked by a casino . . . fucked by a hoe. What's the difference, right?

I think I'll take the one that doesn't involve STD's or getting a pierced asshole.

Being stuck sucks.

* * * * *

Memorable Moments:

-Getting another chance to be in the presence of Sir AlCan'tHang. Truly honored.

-Stained cigarette fingers.

-Smoking Gracie.

-Drinking greyhounds at the Pai Gow table with THG for 6 hours. Bathroom breaks: Derek 10, THG 0.

-F Train's Gus Hansen shirts.

-The hand to crack all hands . . . The Rooster is cagey.

-Visiting the Red Rocks.

-Hot chicks on a plane! Ass and boobies hanging out.

-Daddy talking to any rodeo cowboy.

-Snailtrax aka Professional bull massager.

-Sweet sweet Gracie!

-Who's the President of the United States?

-"Closing the convention" with Daddy, Pauly and Boy Genuis at the Geisha bar.

-Reality show Grubby.

-Monopoly slots.

-Okie's rule . . . Go Maudie and GCox!

-Daddy likes em stout!

-GMoney, Otis, Bobby, the Heads and Rachel making the trip at the last minute.

-Sore loser.

-Felted at the IP. Doh!

-Pai Gow TILT.

-Viva la Grubbette!

-Blackjack TILT.

-Hear that other table games?

-Wynn buffet.

-Sports book Sunday.

-Miami Don called the Jacksonville upset. His picks helped me get unstuck (almost) for about 5 hours. I hate blackjack and Pai Gow.

-Great WPBT tourney table. Sat with Penner, Stb, The Rooster, GCox, Michael Friedman, Gracie. Later on, I got to sit with Miami Don, Otis, CC Sir F, and Veneno. My third table had Daddy, ACH and Soxlover.

-The Geisha bar.

-Great dinner at the Palms.

-The Heads.


-Las Vegas airport. Thank you for smoking.

-Aussie Garth!

-Rule #20.

-Two words: Dick Bro.

-After an all night bender, I went to Denny's with Daddy, Iggy, The Rooster, and GCox. Hijinx ensued and fun was had by all. I slaughtered a chicken fried steak, 2 biscuits, 2 eggs and 3 pancakes. And a coke.

-Meeting Lou Krieger.

-Ass grabbing.

-Drizz and the money wheel.

-Maudie's new tattoo.

-I kept pissing off the blackjack dealers at the IP. Every time they hit a blackjack against me, I asked for a tip. They weren't amused.

-Chaka no like sleep.

-No links please.

-Strippers on a plane.

-Woody woodpecker . . . nuff said.

- I'm 2-1 betting on Iggy's Cincy Bengals during WPBT holiday classics. Ship it!

-Ending my MGM curse by crushing the 1/2 NL game.

-Thanks. I'm quite good at cards.

-Nice catch donkey.

-15 packs in 5 days. Ouch. $120 in the toilet. I guess I never heard of a carton.

* * * * *

Random Hijinx:

-There was a homeless woman trolling the craps table trying to steal drinks. I saw her harassing Bobby, THG and Joe Speaker. Later on, she approached GCox who was lighting up a smoke and asked if she could buy a cigarette. He responded with, "There's a cigarette lady walking around somewhere."

Seconds later, the cigarette waitress walked by us. I laughed my ass off when the homeless woman got thrown out by security a little later. Shortly after that is when Bobby shouted out his infamous, "Hear that other table games?" line.

The craps table hit a big roll and they errupted with joy. So, Bobby wanted to make sure the entire IP pit heard the action so he whipped around and yelled, "Hear that other table games?"

-Astro-physicist gets 5 minute Pai Gow lesson from me, Joanne and GCox while pounding beers at the Geisha bar. Said astro-physicist walks away from Pai Gow table 30 minutes later. He 4x up. Blackjack anyone?

-I saw Pablo take a viscious blackjack beat. Some guy split his kings when Pablo had to double down. The kid pulled two Kings and Pablo got a rag. The dealer was showing a 5. The dealer pulled a 21 and no one won.

-The Pai Gow dealer at the IP asked Thg if Maigrey was his "honey." He said, "Of course, we're playing for our rent money. PAI GOW!!!!!!!"

* * * *


3pm - checked into hotel room over looking Caesars.

3:30pm - leave room to go down to casino with Pauly and Change100.

3:31pm - while waiting for elevator . . . two male rednecks with a thick drawl comment on the reefer smell. Second redneck mentions that it smells like good shit.

Side note: Shortly after check in, Spaceman mentioned that when he got off the elevator, he knew he was on Pauly's floor. All he had to do was smell the hallway.

* * * *

Some guy walked up to Pauly at the Geisha bar and said that he was a big fan of his. Pauly must be used to this type of stuff by now. As Pauly paused to think of something to say, the fan mentioned that he saw Pauly yesterday on the IP Dealertainers stage singing an Elvis Presley song. "Great job buddy. I love Elvis."

At that exact moment . . . someone, somewhere in the world, had to be asking the real Elvis (he's still alive you know?) about his poker blog and what's its like to cover the WSOP and watch Otis eat keno crayons.

So true.

Really, it could happen.

* * * * *


Me to G Money: Is that pimps AND hoes?

Pimp to hoe: Damnit bitch, I told you to get over to Casino Royale!

G Money to me: Hoes don't work on Sunday?

How much to sniff your panties?

Daddy aka Snailtrax aka Donkeyfucker aka Working Man to hoe: It'll cost you $800 if you want to fuck me. You don't get to see the vanilla gorilla unless you show me eight $100 bills.

Daddy says to group of older woman: 5 in our party, 5 in yours . . . how about an orgy, err party?

Cowboy to Pablo: Get a haircut!

Geez, how many pimps does a hoe need?

The Eagles won? Did Marky Mark play?

* * * * *

I got lucky once again with my plane ride. I got to sit next to several hot chicks. My conversation with F Train last year has resulted in good karma.

Unfortunately, I couldn't close the deal on any of them. Not the 18 year old. Not even the middle aged horny woman. I guess I'm not a coat check room kind of a guy like Vincent Chase.

Then again, I was on an airplane so it didn't matter much. There was no coat check.

Could you hurry up already?

I'd rather go the distance.

Mile high? Yes. But not the kind you think. Just high.


* * * * *

The Top 15 List: By the numbers . . .

15 - the # of packs of cigarettes I smoked in 5 days.
14- the # of times Bobby said, "Hear that ladies?" to no one in particular.
13 - the # of times I saw Sir F eye the blackjack table.
12 - the # of female asses I grabbed without getting slapped.
11 - the # of times I called Stb a "sore loser" per orbit during the blogger tourney.
10 - the # of bad beats I heard without collecting a $1.
9 -
the # of times a tourist passed out at the Geisha barstool before security was called.
8 - the # of times Dan Michalski said I was better looking than Pauly. Don't ask. I just agreed.
7 - the # of times I heard Iggy say the word "please" when talking to a drunk cowboy.
6 - the # of pairs of underwear I brought with me. I only wore 4 of them. Mom would be proud.
5- the # of 18 yr old girls that Joaquin and Bobby tried to pick up combined. I tried to be a good boy this trip. No 18 yr olds for me. Plus, using plot lines from the OC as a pick up line isn't cool anymore. A year ago, maybe. That reminds me . . . Save the cheerleader. Save the world.
4 - the # of times that I saw the sun rise in Vegas during this trip.
3 - # of Asian woman in Vegas who still FEAR GRob. They admire his hair though.
2 - the # of times GCox flopped quads in the Caesar's tourney. Nice catch!
1 - the # of times I saw Daddy proposition a hooker while he wearing a Johnny Unitas old school retro jersey.

* * * * *

I had a great time during this trip. I’m glad I didn’t play too much poker. I had more fun drinking at the bar and losing money playing -EV games.

Good times.

Wish I took notes. I'd have more to say and recant.

Oh yeah, there was a poker tournament too. Sickness.

Many thanks to April for her great work in setting this trip up. Thanks April!

Congrats to -EV for winning the Third Annual Holiday Classic. He's the new poker champ.

Easycure won the Gigli award.

I snagged my pics from Pauly and Linda. Thanks guys.

Here's the final table results:

1: -EV
2: Veneno
3: Michael Friedman
4: Daddy
5: Jim Gallagher
6: Sox Lover
7: April (CA)
8: Mattazuma
9: Vinny
10: Biggestron

That's it for now. Don't forget . . . pimps and hoes are people too.

Btw, anyone notice my last post was about pimps? Coincidence, foreshadowing or destiny?

This post has been brought to you by my sponsor Snailtrax.


At 12/15/2006 1:33 AM, Anonymous maudie said...

You're the sweetest ass grabber I know, Mr. D


At 12/15/2006 2:30 AM, Anonymous Pauly said...

This is by far the funniest trip report that I've read so far. Good stuff.

Chaka no like sleep!

At 12/15/2006 9:14 AM, Blogger StB said...

When the hell were some of those pics taken?

Always a blast meeting up with you D!

At 12/15/2006 10:06 AM, Anonymous gracie said...

Sweet sweet Derek!

At 12/15/2006 10:17 AM, Anonymous jerry said...

Good stuff.

At 12/15/2006 10:36 AM, Blogger Marshall said...

Great hanging with you man.. I got stuck in Vegas too so don't sweat it.. I hate losing too. Fucking losing.

At 12/15/2006 10:36 AM, Blogger Marshall said...

I hate Blogger Beta - Waffles

At 12/15/2006 10:52 AM, Blogger Joanne1111 said...

Absolutely hilarious.

I think I smoked 14 packs, so you beat me.

At 12/15/2006 7:15 PM, Blogger Daddy said...

Rock the Kameelah!

At 12/15/2006 7:42 PM, Blogger GaryC said...


The pleasure was all mine. I enjoyed meeting and hanging out with you for as much as I got to, then to be seated next to you at the tourney was that much better.

My total-one carton and I had three cigarettes left when I got home.

I hope to do it again some time soon.


At 12/16/2006 2:50 AM, Anonymous GMoney said...

Nice Trip Report Bro!

It was a pleasure hanging out with you, as always. For the record, here is what i overheard that pimp say:

"What, what are you doing? You get your BITCH ASS back to Casino Royale right now!"

Gotta keep his pimp hand STRONG

At 12/16/2006 9:45 AM, Blogger helixx said...

man, i miss you guys...

i'm just lucky to count this as one of the few tournaments you weren't able to bust me out of. not playing in them seems to be the key to my success.

At 12/16/2006 12:59 PM, Blogger Craig said...

Nice to finally meet you in the flesh. You had me at discounts...

At 12/16/2006 1:20 PM, Blogger Veneno said...

I'm sooo jealous! You didn't grab my ass...lol

Good times for sure. Thanks for bringing these memories to life in your write-up.

At 12/17/2006 8:50 PM, Blogger Joaquin "The Rooster" Ochoa said...

Always the best number count down on the web...period. Even better than Letterman???? Will Derek Drama be joining Pauly Drama on treks to LA?

At 12/25/2006 8:12 PM, Blogger Jeremiah said...

Dear god I'm far behind on reading....

Excellent trip report, sir, can't wait for the next time.

Christmas in a can, baby!


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