Welcome to Derek's Poker Blog

Sunday, July 08, 2007

I'm a Bootlegger

I'm so live blogging this for Joe Speaker . . . . .

The following events occur in real time . . . well sort of. Just no Jack Bauer. And no Blackberry. Only the short stack attack.


Thursday, June 28th

4:00pm . . . spoke to BG and decided to cut out of work early.
4:30pm . . . arrived at BG's Hotel room.
4:31pm . . . Daddy arrived and we got super high. We left soon after to go eat and hit a concert at Central Park.

5:00pm . . . Ate at Mickey Mantle's restaurant and started our binge.
6:15pm . . . . Arrived at Central Park's Summerstage for the Levon Helm Band concert. Daddy and BG are HUGE fans. Rain in forecast.

6:30pm . . . . we're drinking beers and Daddy gets hit on by some cute 60+ year old woman. I think she wanted to check Daddy's oil.

7:00pm . . . . I lean over to Daddy and BG and tell them the fat black guy in the opening band is a pretty good singer.

7:01pm . . . . Daddy says, "That's a girl actually. But yes, she can sing for a fattie."

7:30pm . . . . Found out Joe Speaker wasn't making it to NYC. Seriously bummed out . . . . booooo!

8:00pm . . . . smoked some weed in the park and watched some 50 year old chick with huge implants walk by. She had next to nothing on and was wet from the slight rain fall.

8:05pm . . . Daddy shakes his ass to the music.
8:30pm . . . . things get fuzzy but I remember Big Pussy making an appearance on stage. Vincent Pastore is a big Levon Helm Band fan and waved to the crowd.

8:35pm to 10pm . . . much weed and beer consumed while the Band kicked ass.
10:15pm . . . BG pisses in Central Park on way back to hotel. I was proud.
10:30pm . . . Back at hotel, got high and watched a little of the NBA draft. Shocked at all the trades.

11pm to 1pm . . . Drank at Peculiar Pub on Bleecker Street. Just missed The Rooster. Lost $60 playing liar's poker with Daddy and BG. I suck at that game! Daddy downed a shitload of Three Philosopher's beer. We prop betted on our hot waitress' age and birth month. I guessed her age right and Daddy won her birth month. I also bet BG I could pick the exact month she was born. He gave me odds but I lost.

1:30am . . . BG and I eat pizza while Daddy searches for a killer roast beef sandwich with the works.

2:00am . . . I puke hard after we get off the F train. The pizza tasted much better going down.
2:30am . . . Everyone decides to call it a night. Daddy said his roast beef sandwich was bloody and it slayed.

Mash.

Cue music please . . . .


Friday, June 29th

12:30pm . . . After some sleep, it was downtown to the hotel BG was staying at.
1:00pm . . . We met up with Iggy and The Rooster and decided to grab some lunch.
1:05pm . . . . called F Train to see what he was up to. He said he was already at lunch. He sounded like he was at a business lunch or something.
1:15pm . . . . we arrive at a packed Carnegie Deli and decide to go to some coal oven pizza place instead. Before we leave, I see F Train through a window eating lunch with some chick. So random. ABC. Coffee is for closers.

1:16pm . . . F Train comes out of restaurant to stop 5 idiots from tapping on the glass and pointing.

1:30pm . . . We all fall in love with the hostess at the pizza place. She was an 18 yr old girl from Spain. The Rooster had me on tilt all weekend when he got her number before me. Booooo!

1:45pm to 3pm . . . . We crushed several pizza pies and met up with Speaker's friend Eric. Drank tons of beer and waited for Donnie and Cool Breeze to show up. They've known Speaker the longest.

3:30pm . . . . super baked hanging out with BG, Daddy, Iggy, The Rooster, Eric, Donnie and Cool Breeze. 8 drunks getting high wishing Speaker was there. Long live Joe Speaker!

4:00pm . . . . BG and Iggy go check into a hotel near 42nd and Grand Central Station. The Rooster goes home to kick out his booty call from the night before. The rest of us continue to get wasted.

5:00pm . . . We all meet up at Jimmy's Corner near Times Square. F Train shows up after work. We run up a huge tab and get all types of fucked up.

5:30pm . . . . We hear of Speaker's band exploits as well as his penchant for smoking cigarettes during the half time of his soccer matches.

6:00pm . . . smoke first bowl outside Jimmy's with Daddy and Iggy.

6:30pm . . . seriously wasted.

6:45pm . . . the pot smoking rotation starts as we go in groups to smoke outside the bar.

7:15pm . . . Mr. Hyde makes his first appearance.

7:30pm . . . smoking out side with Donnie and Iggy when I mention my upcoming trip to Las Vegas. I had a trip planned with my mom and some family members. I wasn't looking forward to it at all. I knew it was going to be a huge headache but it was Las Vegas, right?

7:35pm . . . . Donnie asks me when I was last on a family vacation. Over 15 years ago. It was a trip to LA of all places. It was shortly after Rodney King got his ass beat by the LAPD.

7:40pm . . . Donnie asks Iggy how he got his pint of beer outside the bar. Iggy shrugged his shoulders, put his pint down on the sidewalk and lights up a cigarette.

8:00pm . . . got a voice mail message from Mustafa. He was calling me from the joint. His message included a bad beat story. Too bad I can't charge the dude for listening to it. He asked me to send him some cigarettes and matches. Vaseline too? He was hurting after he had his two black aces cracked . . . . by one of the guards.

Was he a cracker?

Nope.

Mustafa is boycotting his meals and refusing to shower. He's hoping for house arrest with a lo-jack.

Cell phone pics of him going to the bathroom are welcomed.

His parting shot before he hung up?

He promised to never spend another dime at a Hilton hotel. He ain't giving that rich bitch Paris another penny of his money. Damn crackers.

He'd still nail her though.

8:15pm . . . . drink, drink, drink. I think the workers at Jimmy's are starting to hate us.

8:30pm . . . . decide to grab something to eat down the block. Some of us split up and go to the Heartland Brewery for burgers.

8:45pm to 11:30pm . . . This is when things get super fuzzy. Soxlover showed up and drank with us for a while before some people started to take off so they could get up on time for the Yankee game at 1pm.

11:30pm . . . Daddy, The Rooster, F Train and I get thrown out of a bar. Boooo!

12:00am . . . The Rooster and Daddy start to sway on a regular basis and can not stand still during conversations. FTrain and I both look like we're going to puke at any moment. We don't though. No one falls down either.

12:15am . . . . F Train bounces and the three of us go uptown to the Barcelona bar that has those Top Gun shots.

12:30am . . . I bust out my glass pipe on the street and we smoke a freshie. The Rooster is a multi tasker. He was hitting the bowl, talking on his cell phone and trying to pick up some chick who was walking by. Then he proclaimed to no one in particular that he hadn't been this high since this morning.

1:00am . . . Daddy was on a mission to duplicate his roast beef experience. We went on a search and found some. Unfortunately, it wasn't as bloody.

1:05am . . . Daddy orders a double roast beef with the works, potato salad and pasta salad.

1:06am . . . Daddy reaches over deli counter and grabs a HUGE slice of pizza and downs it in less than 30 seconds.

1:10am . . . armed with our food, we head off to wake up Donnie and Cool Breeze. Daddy's bag was still in the room from yesterday.

1:12am . . . on the way to the hotel, Daddy asks me what I have in the bag I'm carrying. I tell him we bought roast beef, potato salad and pasta salad. Daddy said, "Nice, mine is a double right?"

1:15am . . . Daddy asks me what I have in the bag. I tell him we bought roast beef, potato salad and pasta salad. Daddy replies, "Nice, mine is a double right?"

1:17am . . . Daddy asks me what I have in the bag again. I tell him we bought roast beef, potato salad and pasta salad. Daddy says, "Nice, mine is a double right?"

1:20am . . . We got to the hotel and Donnie and Cool Breeze were passed out with the door chained. We couldn't get in the room. We had the door cracked open and they were snoring their asses off.

1:30am . . . We took off but not before I christened the Salisbury Hotel. I pissed in their stairwell. Daddy ate some potato salad while he waited.

2:00am . . . We hailed a cab and Daddy stops me before we get in. He wanted to know what I had in the bag.

2:30am . . . . we ate our food, got high and crashed some time around 3:30am.


Cue music . . . .


Saturday, June 30

9:30am . . . Spoke to BG and we're both trying to wake Iggy and Daddy for Monument Park.

10:00am . . . Iggy is up but Daddy isn't. Daddy asks for 30 more minutes.

10:30am . . . Daddy says Monument Park isn't happening.

12:00pm . . . We meet up with the gang at Billy Martin's and drink a bit before game time.

1:00pm . . . . BG, Daddy, Iggy, The Rooster, Eric, Donnie, Cool Breeze, F Train, Bobby and myself go the game and watch the Yanks get slaughtered. Oakland won. Thanks for the tickets Speaker!

1:30pm . . . It was fucking hot at the Stadium. Iggy decides he's watching the game by the beer stand so he can sneak into the bathroom and smoke cigarettes. Smart man.

1:45pm . . . Donnie shows off his Mr. Burn's tattoo.

4:00pm . . . the Yanks officially suck ass and we go to a bar across the street from the Stadium.

5:oopm . . . we remember there's a bowling alley in the bar. Bowling hijinks ensues and Bobby Bracelet shows off his skillz. F Train didn't break his arm throwing a bowling ball like you would think would happen. 130 pounds of fury must have been 120 pounds of fury after sitting through that heat at the Stadium.

5:45pm . . . The Rooster decides he wants to bowl shirtless while bowling. Bobby out bowls everyone using his left hand. PDW!

7:30pm . . . F Train crushes the winner takes all match but Bobby was bowling with his weak hand.

8:00pm . . . after drinking, smoking and bowling, we decide to split up. Some of us go home, some to eat and some to drink.

9:00pm . . . ate dinner with F Train, BG, Bobby and his girlfriend. First time meeting her. She was hot and cool. Two great qualities.

10:00pm . . . met up with Daddy, Iggy, The Rooster, Donnie and Cool Breeze at the Boat Basin on 79th and River Ave.

11:00pm . . . Smoke some serious bowls down by the docks with Daddy, Donnie and Cool Breeze.

12:00am . . . The Rooster is sucking face with some hottie at the bar.

12:30am . . . Iggy and The Rooster are cut off.

1:00am . . . Daddy, Cool Breeze, Donnie and F Train bounce while Iggy and I try to be good wing men and help The Rooster out. His mark had a friend with her so we tried to hook the pimp up but we failed. Boooo.

1:30am . . . . The three of us stumble out to hail a cab so we can get Daddy and head over to Carnegie Deli.

2:00am . . . We all order the Woody Allen (corned beef/pastrami) sandwich. Here's a pic.




2:15am . . . I text message Soxlover to tell him that The Rooster and Iggy are eating matzoh ball soup.

2:20am . . .. Soxlover texts back a lachiam.





2:25am . . . The Rooster tells the entire restaurant that ARod is going to need back surgery after the season. People were confused because that was news to them. The Rooster said ARod's going to need that surgery after carrying the Yankees all season long. The restaurant erupted in laughter.

2:30am . . . No mas. No one was even able to finish half their sandwich. Even Daddy was crushed by the Woody.

2:31am . . . Several mishaps occur and things get spilled and broken.

2:35am . . . we order some 5th Avenue chocolate cream pie that kicked ass. Daddy wanted a whole pie but we settled for 2 slices for the table and couldn't even finish that.

2:40am . . . We had like 10 pounds of leftover meat from our trip to Carnegie Deli. $123 tab. So sick.

2:45am . . . We put Iggy into a cab and said our goodbyes since he was leaving early Sunday.

2:50am . . . finally grabbed Daddy's bag from Donnie's hotel room.

3:00am . . . . Got into a cab with The Rooster and Daddy. The cab driver from India agreed to make two stops. One at 110th Street and one at 238th street. The Rooster passed out in mid conversation with Daddy and me. He went from talking to snoring inside of 1 second.

3:15am . . . After we dropped The Rooster off, the cabbie decided he didn't want to take us up to the Bronx and tried to drop us off somewhere in Harlem. I bitched at the guy and got him to take us out to a safer area instead.

4:00am . . . we finally got home after getting another cab.

Here's a pic of Iggy. Since he's a wee man, we had to get him a booster seat but that wasn't enough. The waiter kindly stacked two phone books under the booster seat so Iggy could reach the table.




Cue music . . . .



Sunday, July 1

11am to 4:30pm . . . Daddy got the McG Sunday special. He sat on my couch all day, smoked weed, played online poker, watched the Yanks play and ate a big meal from the local diner.

Mash.

Great times.


Cue music . . . .


* * * * *


Monday, July 2

9:00am to 5pm . . . I went to work hurting from the weekend madness. I work for an insurance company that writes product liability insurance for the adult novelty toy industry . . . aka dildos. Thankfully, it was a slow day at the cracker factory. Smoked lots of cigarettes, did some work then went home to get high and pack for my Las Vegas trip. Rumor has it that our office trip to Italy has been canceled and replaced with spaghetti night at Papa John's. That and I have one co-worker that looks like Millhouse and another that looks like Napoleon Dynamite. The funny thing is that the Napoleon lookalike is a girl.

9pm to 3am . . . Mashed some online poker at FTP.


Cue music . . . .



Tuesday, July 3

1:30pm . . . . arrived in Las Vegas. Checked into one of those penthouse suites at the IP. Jacuzzi included. Sick.

2:00pm . . . Ate a meal with Pauly and my family at the Mirage. Walked by their Carnegie Deli and smiled. Viva la Woody Allen!

3:00pm to 11pm . . . Spent the entire day walking around doing the tourist thing with 4 family members not named Dr. P . . . . booo. Did not gamble once today. Double booo!

11:30pm . . I was in bed like a pussy since I had to get up at like 7am. I was working on only 3 hours of sleep anyway.


Cue music . . . .


Wednesday, July 4

7am . . . ate at IP's Teahouse for breakfast.

8:30am . . . got drunk playing video poker at the bar.

11:00am . . . lost playing blackjack.

1:30pm . . . Ate at the Wynn Buffet and slayed it. 3 hours of pure sickness with Pauly and family.

3:00pm . . . did tourist shit then lost more money playing video poker and blackjack. So rigged. Still haven't played any poker.

7:00pm . . . walked around some more and watched the replay of the Coney Island Hot Dog eating contest. Joey Chestnut slayed the 5 time defending champ Kobayashi . . .. 66 to 63 dogs in 12 minutes. Unreal.

9:00pm . . . saw a few firework shows from the penthouse terrace. The Hilton threw the biggest one in town from what I saw. Damn crackers.

11:00pm . . . My mom and aunt love playing the slots. Their two cousins don't gamble much if at all but we got them hooked on it in no time. After I explained what a progressive slot jackpot was, they couldn't stay away from the Wheel of Fortune machine. Grubby would be proud.

1:ooam . . . went to bed fairly early for Las Vegas but I was run down in the 110+ degree desert heat. Strangely, for a portly gent, I didn't sweat much.


Cue music . . . .



Thursday, July 5

9am . . . woke up after skipping breakfast. I planned on raging so I got a couple of extra hours of sleep in.

10am . . . went to the Rio with my mom and aunt. Mom thought the Rio would be a dump and was pleasantly surprised by it. It also didn't hurt that she could use her Total Rewards card there. Junkie.

11am . . . walked through the Gaming Expo they had going in one of the ballrooms. You had to cut through it to get to the Amazon Room. There were plenty of strippers and hookers working the booths. They even had a hooker pole set up in the room. Classy indeed.

12noon . . . brought the family to the Amazon Room where it was fairly empty except for cash games. Phil Laak and Antonio Esfandiari were playing some heads up poker on the main stage using one of those video poker tables.

12:30pm . . . John Caldwell sighting.

1pm . . . Tried to eat at the Tilted Kilt for lunch but it was closed. Boooo!

2:30pm . . . Saw Lou Krieger at the All American Grill when we were leaving.

3:00pm . . . back at IP and still bleeding money at the blackjack tables. Blackjack seemed like the best game to play when family members were hitting the slots from casino to casino. Poker just didn't seem to fit into the trip. Maybe later tonight?

4pm . . . . My 60+ year old cousin blew through his gambling budget so he had to dip into his emergency cash fund. He went to the restroom to take some money out of his shoe. Nice.

4:30pm . . . My mom, aunt, their two cousins and myself headed over to Caesar's and the Forum Shops to putz around until our dinner reservation at 6pm. We were going to eat at the Trevi with Pauly and Change100.

5:30pm . . . There was a Pete Rose sighting at the sports memorabilia shop. I laughed because last week BG and I were just talking about his incident with the Hit King last year. Coin flip anyone?

6:00pm . . . Dinner time!

6:30pm . . . My mother was on a rampage looking to pick a fight with me. She caused a slight scene shortly after the food arrived. Change100 looked a little uncomfortable. I leaned over and mentioned that was barely a 1.0 on the Richter Scale.

6:45pm . . . tension is relieved when my cousin drops a huge chunk of lasagna in her purse. So damn hilarious. Great meal.

8pm . . . went back to the IP and got drunk while playing video poker.

10pm . . . took a nap and woke up around 11pm. My mom and aunt were in bed after a long day. I went downstairs with thoughts of poker.

11:30pm . . . screw poker. Decided to walk around and look for girls instead.

1:00am . . . . no luck in all departments. Lost money playing blackjack. Was stuck almost a grand playing video poker and blackjack. Boooo.

1:30am . . . walked into O'Shea's to take a piss. I headed over to the bar where I find two girls doing double shots of Patron. My kind of girls! WWTRD?

What Would The Rooster Do?

ABC.

George Costanza would take this opportunity to do the opposite of what he normally does.

I pushed.

Short stack attack.

Approach. Check. Introduction. Check.

Mention the jacuzzi in my room. Check.

All-in on table 69.

They bite.

Coffee is for closers. But I don't drink coffee.

Doesn't matter.

They mentioned they were from Idaho.

Do you know the Heads?

I took them up to my room next door at the IP . . . I closed within 15 minutes of my approach. Even blind squirrels find nuts once in a while.

Got up to the room.

WWP&GD?

What Would Pablo and Gracie Do?

Smoke a freshie.

Check.

Independent George is getting happy!

2am . . . jumped into the jacuzzi with the two girls. Everyone is butt naked. They claimed to be strippers. One of them looked like one but the other didn't. After that, I kept expecting them to ask me for money but that never happened.

Threesome.

Completely shaved.

Thank you Allah!

Loud noises bad.

Thanks for the penthouse upgrade Dr. P!

Took 3 showers in less than 4 hours . . . . I'm not an orgy guy.


Cue music . . . .



Friday, July 6


7am . . . "Get the fuck out please." That was me to the two chicks. My mom and aunt would be getting up soon and I knew one of them would open the door to my room after a knock. I suck.

8am . . . Breakfast at the shitty Teahouse. grrrrh.

9am . . . The Rooster calls my cell. He says I'm a pussy for not running it twice with those strippers. I agreed.

10am . . . Head over to the Bellagio. It was practically empty.

11:30am . . . Dim Sum at the Gold Coast rocked. VICTORY!

2:30pm . . . stopped by the Rio again. Walked around the Expo area with a hard on.

3pm . . . Michalski and Friedman sighting.

4:30pm . . . . My mother and aunt went to the magic show at Planet Hollywood. Hans Klok with Pam Anderson. I skipped it and decided to gamble instead. Zero chance of Pam being naked so I figured it would be a waste o f my time.

5pm . . . Do I play Russian roulette again? I have phone numbers. What's the play here? I gambled instead. A fool? Perhaps.

10pm . . . After winning some money back playing blackjack, I went to a late dinner with family. Crashed around 11:30pm hoping to wake up around 1 or 2am to head out for some craziness. Never happened. Probably best since I had to get on an airplane Saturday.


Cue music . . . .


Saturday, July 7

9am . . . Skipped breakfast and started betting $100 a hand at blackjack . . . chasing my losses while baked out of my mind. Grubby would be proud.

9:45am . . . . up over $1,000 when some pit boss comes around the rope to talk to me. I don't have a casino card. She was hot but also a damn cooler. I lost all my profit shortly after my conversation with her. I hit blackjack 4 times at that table but still walked away down $200 for the session. Mental note: Quit while ahead.

10:30am . . . . went over to O'Shea's to eat a Subway sandwich. Watched three Dutch reporters from Poker News fumble through their order. High-larious.

11:30am . . . get voice mail messages from both strippers. I must have given them my number and not remembered. They wanted to hang out but I was leaving for NYC soon. Fuck me, Independent George is getting angry.

1:30pm . . . get to airport for flight home.


Cue music . . . .



Sunday, July 8

1pm . . . I'm home on my couch experiencing the McG Sunday Special. Relaxing and getting high until Entourage comes on. Tough day for me.

2pm . . . Just checked my cell and I got two more voice mail messages from those strippers last night when I was flying home. They wanted to hang out. Bad timing indeed. Get a good look Costanza?

4pm . . . Just got out of the shower and noticed I have two new messages in the last 15 minutes. The stripper originally from Belize (no clue how she ended up in Idaho) called me twice.

5pm . . . The Belize stripper called again and said her friend from Idaho stole her money and took off with plane tickets. Haha. What's the play here? I have not called back. Probably won't.

WWJB do?

What would Jack Bauer do?

Hit the doctor's office and get an STD test, I'm sure. And then some.

I'm a bootlegger, damnit.

I'm live blogging this.

So it goes . . . .

13 Comments:

At 7/09/2007 2:31 AM, Blogger Dr. Pauly said...

You're lucky that you didn't get rolled by the Potato girls!

 
At 7/09/2007 2:44 AM, Blogger change100 said...

Post of the fucking year.

And I am still very afraid of your mother.

 
At 7/09/2007 5:17 PM, Blogger Joaquin "The Rooster" Ochoa said...

I was laughing my ass off through this whole post. Yet, I think you got it wrong that I was sucking face with some girl at the bar. In any case, crush...mash....and slay. Fucken post still has be laughing...yo, when is the book coming out? What did Mustafa get busted for?

 
At 7/09/2007 6:01 PM, Blogger F-Train said...

12:00am . . . The Rooster is sucking face with some hottie at the bar.

Definitely happened. On the other hand...

11:30pm . . . Daddy, The Rooster, F Train and I get thrown out of a bar. Boooo!

Really? We got thrown out of that place? Geez there are some holes in my memory...

 
At 7/10/2007 12:21 AM, Blogger jjok said...

awesome awesome awesome......

 
At 7/10/2007 5:43 PM, Blogger Joaquin "The Rooster" Ochoa said...

You can't remember anything I tell you. Just not true and I will leave it at that.

 
At 7/10/2007 7:57 PM, Blogger Daddy said...

The fuckin' Woody!!


SLAYYYYYYYYYYYY.

 
At 7/10/2007 11:18 PM, Blogger Uwannabet? said...

better than back to back episodes of Entourage....


cue music....

 
At 7/11/2007 11:49 AM, Blogger Drizztdj said...

Did anyone finish one of those sandwiches?

Good god.

 
At 7/13/2007 5:29 PM, Blogger vandy said...

Awesome post!

 
At 7/13/2007 9:36 PM, Blogger Ignatious said...

great post - ty.

 
At 8/17/2007 12:51 PM, Blogger Donkeypuncher said...

I read this post at least eight times a week.

I might print it out and keep it in my wallet. Right next to the rubber I got from the university health clinic in 1993.

 
At 8/28/2007 6:30 AM, Blogger Joaquin "The Rooster" Ochoa said...

I like what is going on at this site. MSS would be proud...so would MLS.

 

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