Welcome to Derek's Poker Blog

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Saturdays with Dr. Pauly

The Rooster won it last week.

But that was because I didn't play. I was preoccupied stuffing my face in public.

I knocked The Rooster out of the tourney the first week.

I hope to do so again.

To be the man, you got to beat the man.


Thank you, come again.

Friday, February 01, 2008

Poker Tales . . .

From the Darkside

It happened about 12 years ago to the day.

I remember it like it was yesterday. Though it feels like a really long time ago.

I was only 20 at the time.

Bill Clinton was President back then.

They called him Slick Willy.

You know, there's a lot of things we won't be telling Mrs. Clinton.

We definitely had more street cred in those days. Gas, booze, weed and cigarettes were also cheaper.

Alot of things have changed since then.

I guess I shouldn't hold out hope for a John Travolta/Cheech Marin ticket.

They said it would happen one day. Just like Ronald Reagan.

Well, maybe not the Cheech part.

So what happened 12 years ago you ask?

I broke a promise that day.

Doesn't sound too special does it?

I was still in college then and living in a fraternity house. A bunch of us decided to play some poker one night. We invited a few sorority girls.

Not one hand of Holdem was played.

No strip poker either.

The girls crushed Omaha.

Before we played, I made a promise to the group that night.

I promised I would not bluff.

"I never bluff," I said. Followed by a quick, "I promise you."

I lied of course.

I stole alot of pots that night.

I always have the nuts.

That's what I told everyone.

Bill Clinton would be proud.

I've had 12 years to reflect on this.

My conclusion?

Broken promises don't upset me.

Instead, I just think . . . why did they believe me?

Fools? Suckers?

George W Bush would be proud. Dick Cheney too.

Something strange happened later that night.

I took one of the girls back to my room.

A bong hit for the lady?

We didn't exhale.

Cheech and Chong would be proud.

We eventually got naked after some negotiating.

What was so strange about that?

To this day, I swear that girl had no asshole.

It was missing.

Nowhere to be found.

I swear.

I tried.

How is that possible?

I have no clue.

I wish they had cell phones with cameras back then.

The Rooster would be proud.

In fact, I can't remember anyone having a cell phone back then.

I double checked and triple checked.

Yep, no asshole.


Is that even possible?

Why did I care anyway?

Why was I looking to begin with?

I blame it on positioning.

Position is key, as we all know.


What Would Ted Kennedy Do?

Exactly what I did.

I had another drink. Then I took my pants off.

Whoever bets at the pot first, takes it down.

It was very interesting I must say.

A third breast would've been cool though. That's for sure.

I guess it could've been worse.

Uh, yeah.

Who cares if she had no asshole, right?

At least she had a vagina.

I rarely say the words, "I promise" to anyone. I just can't do it.

It would be hard to keep a straight face. Especially after that night.

I'm even smirking right now.

Broken promises happen all the time.


So who's going to win the 2008 Presidential Election?

I have no clue.

Either way, first prize is a Cadillac Eldorado. And second prize is a set of steak knives.

The real question.

Which candidate would you buy a used car from?

I know one thing for sure . . . she definitely had no asshole.

Poke her tail.

Do it now.

Governor Schwarzenegger would be proud.

Does a straight beat a flush?

Today it does.

Poke her tail.

Poke her tail.