Poker in the Weeds: Derek's Poker Blog

PokerStars World Blogger Championship of Online Poker

I played for 5 hours and 24 minutes.

I finished in 48th place out of 1337 and won a dufflebag.

I got called a donkey for winning big pots with 3-5 and K-2.

Someone's wife even agreed. She was watching over his shoulder.

They were soooted though.

Sore losers.

I got to play with Badblood and Easycure too.

What did you do on Sunday?

Bonus Code: Pauly

Fantasy Sports Live

Pauly's hosting a 10 week fantasy football contest on Fantasy Sports Live.

Stop by his site for more details.

The more you know. The more you grow.

Key West

I don't like how she walks around calling everyone “Papi.” Why do Latin girls do that?

Really? I kind of dig it. It gets me excited.

You should get a lap dance from her then.

I think I will. See ya in 2 minutes 10 seconds.

I had this conversation with which of the following people?

a. Roberto Colunga

b. DP

c. Grubby

d. Marco Colunga

e. Stb

I’ll give you a hint.

After the lap dance . . . this same blogger said two things to me when I returned to the bar from the private room.

How was it?

And

Let’s hit the food cart on the street and eat some sausages after all the bars and strip clubs close. I heard they were pretty good AND reasonably priced.

My response?

It was dirty . . . . and yes.

This took place at the Dive joint on Sunday morning at 3AM.

We hit up the Classy joint next.

Then we ate.

The comparison?

The Dive had better lap dances but the Classy Joint had better looking girls.

Money was spent at both places.

Unfortunately, I made two mistakes during this trip.

1. I should’ve brought more money with me.

2. I should’ve masturbated before I went to the strip club that first night.

It’s been awhile.

The more you know, the more you grow.

And yes . . . the food from the street vendor rocked.

Grubby’s a wise man.

He also says $4 is a pretty decent rate for a strip club ATM.

I kind of agree. That’s only 20% of the cost of a lap dance.

That’s a small amount to pay to support the Adopt-a-Stripper program.

Stb said it best, “Everyone should adopt a stripper when they can.”

It’s money well spent.

Sally Struthers would agree.

The last time I saw Grubby in Key West, he was handing out VOTE for Morgan McPherson fliers on Duval Street at 6am.

Was the race tilted? There's a runoff for that position now.

Jimmy Weekly or Morgan McPherson for mayor?

Only Grubby knows.

He’ll do anything to win a prop bet.

The more you know, the more you grow.

* * * *

What else happened in Key West?

A lot of good memories.

Cheap beer.

Cheap cigarettes.

Watching Drizz, Roberto Colunga, The Rooster, Joe Speaker, DP and others ride the bull at the cowboy bar. I have no clue how they escaped that prop bet without a swollen penis and bruised testicles.

Speaker made a wardrobe change before he rode the bull.

Drizz punches hard.

I got a lap dance from a drunk stripper at the Dive joint and she kept falling off my lap. She had a Corona in her hand the entire time. She didn’t spill one drop. Of the beer.

DP and Roberto Colunga humped a waitress at the sports bar with their make shift penises (an orange cone). DP had a condom on his.

Sloppy Joe’s.

Sweet Sweet Gracie.

The Classy strip joint.

Florida is a smoker friendly state.

The smoking lounge at the airport was outdoors and there was a Mojito bar next to it.

The not-so-classy strip joint.

3 girls in the crew got a lap dance. Nice.

I sat less than 5 feet away from one of the girls during their lap dance. Thanks for the memories Mary.

Anyone else notice that all the roosters disappeared from the streets when The Rooster landed in Key West? Pauly says they disappeared because the head cock was in town.

Marathon poker session at the ACH compound.

Seeing friends walking in and out of the lap dance room.

I slow rolled F Train by mistake. I had A7 on a board that had 3-4-5-J-2. I thought I missed my 7 high straight. He wasn’t amused when I said I missed my straight and only had A high. That’s a wheel you idiot!

The Bad beat machine.

Someone’s getting felted and going broke on this hand. It might be me.

Rebuy!

Playing a $40 buy in NL cash game and realizing a few hours in that we had over $1200 on the table.

A $40 buy in = 2 lap dances.

Our betting increments and decisions to call bets at the poker table were converted into the # of lap dances we could get or lose out on.

I only play good cards.

Tilting Pauly and Sweet sweet Pablo with junk cards.

Poor poor Maudie also suffered the wrath of my suckouts. Suited cards and gutshots are gold.

Never bluff a calling station.

Marco Colunga cooked us a great meal with the fish the guys caught. Great job bro!

Smoking allowed in bars = 2 packs a day habit.

Lots of horny latinas .... my kind of town.

I went over budget with my donations to the adopt a stripper fund. Showing support is important for all humanity.

The dive joint has uglier strippers but they grind better.

I want my money back . .. I didn't see any bottoms. Who do I file a complaint with?

Prop bets galore.

Gambling on odds/evens during the boxing game.

My streak of clogging toilets on the road has continued. I clogged a toilet during my first night in Key West. My suggestion: every hotel should supply each room with a plunger. Miraculously, The Rooster found one outside our room door at 10am. Who knew?

What's more gay . . . eating a cheese steak on a tortilla wrap or riding a moped?

Another Lager please.

Drizz made me laugh during the cash game when he said, “I wager $20.” Not sure why but I thought that was funny. I think that’s a tell.

Putting an ATM by the lap dance room is efficient and effective.

Getting Bacon and a Fried egg on my cheeseburger.

Turtle races are rigged.

Pablo, Gracie and I watched a couple make out sloppily on Duval Street near the live web cam.

Do you think she’s a former stripper or a current one?

Hemingway used an old urinal from Sloppy Joe’s as a drinking fountain for his cats. Only one of the cats refuses to drink out of it.

Watch out people, I’m going to loosen up my play now.

Viva la ACH! Thanks for the great time.

Does the waitress give lap dances too?

Big Mike and the Philly crew rule!

Didn’t you get the memo? Soccer jersey day was yesterday.

Roberto Colunga professed, “I have to wash the herpes off my pants now.”

Stripper to Gracie: Do you mind if I give your boyfriend another lap dance?

I can cross that off my list of things to do.

I found out there’s a beer Iggy won’t drink even if it’s the only alcohol around. It’s Corona.

A stripper asked me if my hair was real.

Who's thumb went up where? Did he have to pay extra for that?

I’d buy that for a dollar.

Everytime someone paid for something, it was customary to remind them that they needed to get their change back in one dollar bills.

I got kicked in the balls by a stripper. Sloppy lap dance.

Are there any sober strippers here?

I ordered a salmon and shroom omelet near Hemingway’s house and I swear the cook left the restaurant to go catch the fish.

One more dance?

Ernest Hemingway’s house.

6 toed cats.

Before I sucked out on Pauly and Pablo, Grubby turned to me both times and says, “I feel a bad beat coming.” He was right both times. Monster pots.

I won a huge pot with J high.

I lost a huge pot to J high.

I beat Grubby out of a pot with 7 high to his 5 high. We both missed our flush.

Pablo cracked my hammer with KK. Nice catch donkey!

DP and Grubby were prop betting on how long people’s bathroom breaks would take. They also bet on who would get up out of their lazy boy first during the college football games.

DP bought an entire tray of jello shots and Roberto downed most of them.

During the poker game, DP, Grubby, Gracie and myself were playing high card out of the muck for each other’s stacks.

Bully mode.

It’s open until 6am and if you get nude, they get nude.

I require that my strippers have most of their teeth. Front ones are a must.

DP tried to give his underwear to some girl in a bachelorette party?

I pissed on the sidewalk next to a mailbox on Duval Street while Grubby acted as my lookout.

My cab driver at Key West had his daughter with him. She was playing on a laptop in the front seat. She was maybe 5 years old at most. Halfway through the cab ride, she looks over at her dad and says, “Daddy I smell dukie.”

American Airlines charges $3 for snacks.

Geckos.

Big Mike drinking rum out of a monkey skull then carrying it around town the rest of the day.

We’re getting back on the same puddle jumper that had the propeller problem?

I hear they have beautiful sunsets in Florida. I hear the same thing about LA but that’s because of the smog.

Poor poor F Train’s calves.

I’m waiting for that cat to pounce on that rooster.

If I was homeless in this town, I’d eat rooster everyday.

Friday nights must be cock fighting night. I don’t see any roosters around today.

I’m sweaty.

Maudie is a pool shark.

ACH and Lewey left me in the dive strip club that first night. I disappeared for a lap dance and they spaced out and left without me. They came back though. We got a good laugh about that.

My goal of clogging Change100’s toilet went unaccomplished.

Watching DP, Bobby and Speaker buying each other lap dances with the ugliest girls.

Gracie and Grubby betting on flop colors.

* * * *

Here’s a nice educational public service announcement for you . . . .

Strippers are people too. That's someone's sister or daughter. They might be there for entertainment purposes but they’re not toys to play with like matches or a video game. They have feelings too. Just like you or me. So make sure you bring enough money and show a little respect. And don’t forget to rub one out before you seek warmth and comfort from a stripper. Otherwise, you have to run back to your hotel room and hope no one notices you’re missing.

And that's one to grow on.

The more you know. The more you grow.

After careful research (visiting two strip clubs), I’ve decided that Argentina and Venezuela are my new favorite countries.

Baile conmigo por favor.

Los bailes del regazo son el mejor.

Michael J. Fox would be proud. Check out this video.

Thanks again to Al and his crew for another great time.