McWasted in Maine

I've been back from my friend's wedding for a few weeks now. I was lucky as hell because there was no video guy there and I didn't screw up my best man speech. I actually got a few laughs and some surprising compliments.

There were several highlights and lowlights of the trip. Either way, I had fun. It was the best wedding I've ever been to. I wish I kept a running tally of the food I ate because I ate some really great stuff. Oh well. Here's a random rambling of some of those moments (in no particular order).

My friend threw 6 parties in 4 days. 3 of them were on Sunday (the day after the wedding) and 2 of the parties had bands! I was constantly wasted and stuffed during this trip. Enough said.

On the way out to Maine, my flight got cancelled so I decided to take the train out of Penn Station instead. When the train stopped in Portland, I was struggling to get my bags together. The conductor decided to help out. Little did I know, he had a hook for a left hand. Unfortunately, I almost took it off by mistake. I wish I was kidding but I'm not. My bag got stuck on it but I got it off after a few tugs. Luckily, I escaped an uncomfortable moment in Red Sox country.

The morning of the wedding, we downed 6 bottles of Dom while traveling in a stretch Hummer limo. We got several middle fingers along the way. lol. The stretch Hummer was pretty excessive, I know. But, it didn't really hit home until I realized that we had to stop for gas before we made our way to the beach. It was a good thing we had some alcohol.

We killed 34 bottles of whiskey at the reception. 7 were Crown Royal and they were all downed by me and a few of the groomsmen.

We had the swankiest port-a-potties ever. It was air conditioned and had wood paneling. I regret to say that I only used it twice. There were 4 urinals, 3 crappers and music playing in the background. If I had to do it all over again, I would've spent more time in there. It was bigger than my apartment.

The best part of the wedding day was that I showed up wearing only one thing that I owned . . . my boxers. Everything else was new.

The USS Iwo Jima was parked outside my hotel. There were tons of sailors roaming the streets. They were mostly drunk. One night, two female Naval officers hit on my friend Sarah as we walked back to the hotel. The funny thing was . . . they politely asked me if they could talk to my sexy lady friend. I must admit, I got a little excited at the thought.

At one point, I had to listen to my friend tell me that the bartenders at the reception cut everyone off. I soon found out that he was the only one who got cut off. lol. He was no longer wearing his suit, he had red wine spilled down the front of his t-shirt, and dinner hadn't even been served yet.

After the ceremony, we walked off the beach to find trays of Cristal and 2 raw bars waiting.

For the 1st time in my life, I had someone taking photos of me while I got dressed. And they were paid to do it too! I had a blast that weekend. I got to see some really old friends that I hadn't seen in almost a decade. I even had a drunk Maine local try to teach me his winning baccarat strategy. lol. I partied my ass off and was wasted the entire weekend. I got compared to Shecky Green and Kettle drivers were my friend. Thank goodness for weddings and open bars!!!