The Best Man

So I'm off to Maine today for my friend's wedding. I'll be away for awhile so please don't take this as an invitation to rob my apartment. I don't have much anyway!

I'm the best man this weekend which makes me a little nervous. I'm dreading "the speech." I'm less than 3 days away from the big day and I have no clue what I'm going to say. I've known for months this day was coming yet here I sit . . . unprepared. I'm clueless. I've only met the bride to be twice. And to make matters worse, no one at this wedding plays poker! I probably won't play poker for a week which is probably good because I've been getting smoked at the online tables. I'm officially on a week long session of tiltdom! I need the break but I still don't know what I'm going to say at this wedding. Maybe a couple of fart jokes and sex jokes will do the job? Did I mention that the grooms parents live next to Bill and Hilary Clinton in Chappaqua, NY? Maybe penis jokes aren't a good idea.

Either way, I must remember to jump the video guy after the wedding so no one sees the footage of me wasted trying to talk to a bunch of rich people at the reception. Oh and I will be wasted before the ceremony starts. That you can bet on! After I'm done, they'll be calling me the worst man! Oh boy, I feel a drunk, bloated and sweaty weekend coming on. Look out!