Welcome to Derek's Poker Blog

Saturday, December 15, 2007

Holiday Classic Recap

December 2007

I find myself gambling less and less at these events. I've been to six out of seven since 2004. The funny thing is that I have more money to throw around now compared to the first few times we invaded Las Vegas. So what's wrong with me?

Being the sixth one, it's certainly easier to socialize because I know almost everyone by now.

Is that the reason?

Less gambling and more conversation.

Maybe it's a quality versus quantity issue?

I certainly bet bigger to make up for it.

Getting wasted is a priority.

So is hanging out with my friends.

Las Vegas is also a great place to people watch. I can gamble anytime.

Short sessions are better anyway. Hit and run.

Sometimes it's more fun to watch your friends gamble. Granted, it's not the same rush but at least it frees up one hand for smoking and the other for drinking.

But consider the people involved. I'm watching bloggers gamble damnit.

As you all know, Chaka likes to watch.





There's a good chance I'm looking down your shirt for some cleavage action if you're a female so watch out.

Or you can do me a favor and make it easier by opening another button or two.

Maudie, Gracie, Kat??

I recently participated in an office harassment training class. We all did. Not just me.

They said leering was a form of harassment. It's improper behavior for the work place.

There was no pass or fail. You showed up, you were good. Ship it!

In Las Vegas, a push is a win.


How many vices do you have?

Some say more than one is too many.

I disagree.

Who wants to ROSHAMBO for $100?

The Zoot Suit(ed) Shakedown

GMoney and I like to play this game called, "Working or not working."

He would pick someone who was obviously a hooker and I would say, "No way."

He would then go into the pros as to why the girl was a pro.

Her looks. Her clothes. The amount of skin being shown. The fact that she was dressed up and completely sober at 4am. She's sitting by herself at the bar. She has a pimp lurking in close proximity. The usual tells.

Sometimes one of us would go over and talk to the girl to see if she really was a hooker. We'd also listen to her sales pitch and find out more about her.

The conversation can turn quickly.

Nothing beats a nice dirty conversation. Especially in public.

"Whatever price she says, go $100 lower. She'll do it," GMoney would say.

Lowball is a good game but I prefer Razz.

Be friendly and talk to the working girls. Look but don't buy.

And don't get rolled.

Working or not working?

What's great about this game is you can play it anywhere. On the strip, in a hooker bar, in a restaurant, sitting at a table. It is Las Vegas.

Hookers in Las Vegas are sort of like actors in Hollywood.

Everywhere you look, you see one or someone that looks like one.

The only difference . . . there aren't too many out of work hookers in this town. Even the old ones were working.

They also seem to have a pretty good turnover rate.

I spent way too much time at the Geisha bar.

I wonder what the over/under is on how many clients the average Las Vegas casino hooker has had come 3am.

Hey Urkel, can you crunch those numbers on your computer?

Let's keep playing working versus not working.

You keep saying no and I'll convince you why they are.

Let's do it.

First Call?

This one prostitute at the IP hooker bar kept pestering me to take her up to my room.

I kept playing the game with her to find out her price.

I laughed when she told me her rate.

What did GMoney say again?

Move the line. Go $100 lower.

She claimed to be a 21 year old Puerta Rican girl from Atlantic City.

I have a weakness for hot horny latinas.

Who doesn't really?

She had a back tattoo. And a stomach tattoo.

After several drinks with GMoney and the working girl, I took off for the restroom.

She followed.

And waited near the slots for me.

That's an Atlantic City move. The hookers over there do that. Late night, they'll sit by the slot machines that are closest to the main cage and wait for guys to cash out with a big stack. That's when they attack. I call that Stealth Ho-rilla warfare mode.

The hookers will pounce out of a row of slot machines vying for your attention. Who will get to you first? Does it resemble a VC jumping out of rice paddy for his kill?

Sort of but not really. The surprise factor is there for sure.

But you don't get to choose.

It's more like drug dealers jumping out of the bush in Washington Square park to sell you a dime bag.

But I was just using the restroom?

Mrs. Spaceman once told me they can smell the cash in my pocket. That was at the Borgata.

I believed her. Still do.

So I come out of the restroom and the hooker asked me what I was doing.

I just finished taking a shit honey.

How'd you like to be my first client?


No, dummy. Today. My first of the day.

I thought, "Sweet!"

Wait, don't say that.

Being a working girl is very similar to playing poker.

They're both really one long session aren't they?

First of the day . . . no thanks.

Put it in your spank bank and move on.

Speechless during the end around

BadBlood and I ordered the exact same meal and wine at Nob Hill. It was great.

It was a huge tab but surprisingly nowhere near the over/under that was set.

We both licked our plates clean.

We both had Gus Hansen shirts on.

Later on, we were having a drink at the bar and a working girl approached.

She said hi to Badblood first.

I said, "How you doin' tonight?"

Good but I'd be doing better if I was sucking your dicks.

Uh . . . uh, uh uh??

A few seconds felt like 10 minutes.

BadBlood and I got a quick lesson on the "hard sell" versus the "soft sell."

Two for one?

Burn'em and churn'em.

Are you keeping up with the Kardashians?

Mustafa is. That's for sure.

He likes Bruce Jenner and his big booty step daughter, Kim.

OJ Simpson should've done what I did.

I walked away quietly.

They call that the hard sell.

I'm still speechless.

Working or not working?

Memorable moments and the lowdown:

-I got to sit at a NL cash table with Sweet sweet Pablo, Change100, Mary, Johnny Hughes, Karol, Vinay and a few others on the first day of the trip. Karol got felted when her boat lost to quad Aces. As she was waiting for her rebuy to arrive, she got felted again. When the chips arrived, she signed the release and they gave her chips away. REBUY!!

-Stepping out of the cab line to jump into a stretch limo with BG, Maudie, Iggy, Pauly and Change100 so we could get to dinner on time.

-The procedure.

-Does your technique include a lot of hand action?

- I tried to get Gracie to pretend she was my fiance. I wanted to tell one of the working girls that we wanted to do a threesome before we got married by Elvis the next day.

-12 hours of sleep in 4 days.

-Bet the over. I smoked 8 packs in 4 days.

-I lost a quiet $400. Mostly on the tourney buy-in and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. I should've listened to April and bet the Texans. The Cowboys killed me too. Thank goodness for blackjack.

-My goal of smoking one pack for every hour I slept went unaccomplished. I fell short by 4 packs.

-Benny Hiroshima: If you're lucky to meet this guy, you'll find that he looks like Joe Speaker. That guy sat at every table I was moved to in the blogger tourney. He eventually busted me. It felt like a bad acid flashback every time he took a big pot off me. I think he had a superuser account and saw my hole cards. AK sucks. He also busted Roberto Colunga and got his Jesus gift as a bounty.

-The Geisha bar.

-Getting to party all night with GCox, Iggy, GMoney, AlCantHang, Gracie, Pablo and everyone else.

-Irish Jim is a riot.

-Playing blackjack with Garth and Bobby.

-Sweet Sweet Pablo and I bet on the wheel spins at the IP. The choices were Money or Product. I chose Product. People were getting pissed when I wanted them to win a mug or towel instead of $100. Product!!

-Asian Jew?

-Puff, puff give.

-The Rooster wins . . . give me the chedda!

-Otis rules!!

-I had great meals at Nob Hill (MGM), Trevi (Caesars) and the Mirage.

-The wrong approach: an 18 yr old working girl asked Iggy and I if we could get her high in our rooms. Iggy asked her how much she was willing to pay for weed. She walked away. Maybe she was talking about getting high on Jesus?

-MGM mixed games and the sportsbook bar. Where did all these Brits come from?

-The Rooster was about to be insulted by some woman who was exiting the elevator. She noticed he was wearing a Yankee hat. She asked if he watched the World Series. She was obviously waiting for the right moment to make fun of the Yanks for getting bounced. She was from Colorado and also asked if The Rooster ever heard of the Rockies. Before she could get in her barb, the Rooster stopped her in her tracks and said, "No, never heard of them. Are they in the big leagues?" She had no response and the doors closed. Everyone in the elevator broke out into laughter.

-Las Vegas is very smoker friendly.

-Tony Romo is one lucky mofo.

-O'Sheas has beer pong tables and pretty good breakfast burritos with biscuits and gravy.

-GCox has a pretty cool wife.

-Went to Outback with GMoney and crushed some steaks.

-Getting another chance to be in the presence of Sir AlCan'tHang. Truly honored.

-Stained cigarette fingers.

-Change100 picked my wardrobe for the Nobhill dinner. I had three shirts with me and she picked the Gus Hansen shirt. FTrain was proud.

-Okie's rule . . . Go Maudie and GCox!

-Sore loser.

-Chaka no like crystal meth.

-Sweet sweet Gracie.

-How would you like to make $14 the hard way?

-Viva los Grubby y Grubette.

-Multiple Craps tournaments.

-Grubbette was cagey at the tourney. She kept re-raising me and I folded every time.

-Sports book Sunday. I forgot to bet on the Bengals this year. I'm 2-1 in previous years. It's called the Iggy bet. It's followed by a Greyhound. Then you wait for the money to roll in.

-Meeting Johnny Hughes was awesome. He had a ton of great stories and was a class act.

-I sat with a ton of people at the blogger tourney: Russ Fox, Johnny Hughes, Grubette, Mary, Joe Speaker, Alan Penner, FTrain, The Rooster, Byron, Otis, Blinders, Bobby, Dr. Pauly, Miami Don, Carol, Surly Poker Gnome, Dario Minieri and Benny Hiroshima.

-Chaka no like sleep.

-Sweet sweet Pablo.

-I was introduced to Tripjax's wife like 10 times. We both laughed about it and stopped telling people we already met come the 5th time. We re-shook hands every time and laughed.

-Some blogger at my table said he won a tourney earlier in the day. I leaned over to Mary and said, watch . . . I bet he's the first one at the table knocked out. Sure enough he was.

-Smoking cigarettes with Gracie.

-The Mark = The Gigli

-During the blogger tourney, I got hit in face with the deck after the first break.

-I got KK, AA and AA in three consecutive hands and won each time. Ship it!

-Think I got AA four times. KK twice. QQ three times and JJ three times. I won more pots and more money with junks hands though. I lost everytime with JJ.

-At one point, I think all of the NYC bloggers were still in the tourney when it got down to 4 tables. Most of us made it to the final 3 tables too. A new Yorker won . . long live The Rooster.

-Two words: Mean Gene

-The Fat Guy is the coolest dude. I'm so glad he made the trip.

-Aussie Aussie Aussie . . . Garth, Garth, Garth.

-Rule #20.

-All night benders.

-Joo the Pai Gow dealer. Nuff said.

-Your blog is my homepage.

-Can I get a link?

-Bobby walked up to Pauly and I while we were waiting to place our football bets. He mentioned that we might want to look at his picks and fade them since he's doing horribly this season. We laughed because we were planning to fade Waffles picks.

-Nice catch donkey.

-Tons of Brits and cowboys. What no porn stars?

-Crown Royal: official booze of the IP.

-Floyd "Pretty Boy" Mayweather vs. Ricky Hatton.

-I was rocking a King suite at the IP.

-That was one fresh jam.

-Schecky and Jen Leo rule.

-Otis is a Pai Gow god.

-Deja vu all over again: I was at the IP bar on Sunday morning at 7am ... sleepless and hanging with GCox getting drunk. Cigarettes were also smoked.

-I learned that Miami Don really likes Eric Mangini's play calling ability.

-Watching the Rooster short buy into a NL cash game and proceed to donk off his stack on the first hand then walk away.

-I heard a knock at the door and that's when I had to jump behind the bed and hide.

-The Eagles lost because Marky Mark didn't suit up for the game.

-It's 1st and 10. Mangini is calling for the field goal unit again.

-Watching Iggy and The Rooster tell the Brits that Mayweather was going to kick Hatton's ass.

-I woke up 30 minutes early on Thursday morning in NYC so I could get high before the taxi arrived to take me to JFK airport. A 5am wakeup was well worth it.

-It was the first time in awhile I did not clog a toilet on the road. I tried.

-I was only allowed to do # 1 in Change100's toilet.


-Yeah but I saw her first.

-We tried to set an over/under on how many dildos Dr. Jeff has pulled out of people's rectums in the ER. Do you mean successful removals? Or overall attempts? Ouch.

-There was a really fucked up cigarette lady at the IP. I bought some smokes off her at 3am. Come 9am, she was stumbling around and slurring her speech. She looked like she was hopped up on something. I saw her later on in the sports book selling smokes. She was clocking the Giants/Eagles game. I'm sure she had some action on the game. Later on, she walked by yelling, "Anyone need any cigarettes? Cigarettes, gum, cigars, Go Eagles!"

Feel my hammer

As I was sitting near Maudie and Mary at the bar, a random girl started talking to me.

Working or not working?

What do you think?

She asked if Maudie or Mary was my wife.

"One is my ex and the other is my current," I said.

Which one?

Does it matter? They're both pretty liberal. What do you think about 3 chicks and 1 guy?

Pretty forward huh? It's a good thing I'm working then.

I figured that much. So would that be considered an orgy?

You need at least 2 vaginas and 2 penises for it to be considered an orgy.

Since when do you need two penises to make up an orgy? I think anything more than a threesome is an orgy. Three vaginas should count.

Not really. What would you call it if 3 guys were having sex with 1 girl? A gang bang right? What you want is a reverse gang bang.

I like the way you think.

Choo, choo!

Time for a smoke break.

Smell my fingers?

Some hooker kissed me on the cheek at the hooker bar. Doh.

The last time I ran away from the bar that fast, I had to puke.

I ran this time out of fear of getting herpes.

I had to wash my face. And fast.

How many dicks did that girl suck before she kissed me?

Pauly said it was only midnight so maybe 10 penises . . . minimum.

Last Call

Let's say it's 5am and it's a slow night for the working girls.

Do you think their prices drop as their shift comes to a close?

Kind of like a discount or going out of business sale.

We could always ask.

Here comes The Rooster!

It was around 1am on Friday when I got a call.

It was The Rooster.

I was in the middle of a bender.

A Grubby bender?

Nope, no slots involved here. Just booze, weed and gambling.

The Rooster was drunk off his ass and had no clue when his flight was. He didn't know the airline or airport either.

I laughed.

He was serious.

Totally screwed I thought.

He wasn't going to make it?

That's what I told Pauly and sweet sweet Pablo.

Joe Speaker saved the day though.

The Rooster called him next.

Speaker hacked into the Rooster's account and found out his flight info for him. The Rooster barely made it.

In 24 hours, he would be champ.

He won the blogger tourney you know.

Holy smokes!

Joe Speaker called it a stampede when word got out that it was Otis versus The Rooster heads up. The bar emptied fast.

That Rooster is one cagey mofo.

Congrats to The Rooster and Otis for doing a kick ass job and representing.

New York!


By the way, Mustafa has told me on several ocassions that Otis and The Rooster are his favorite bloggers.

Well, he calls them his favorite crackers.

You get the picture.

The Top 15 List: By the numbers . . .

15 - the # of empty shot glasses ACH had stacked up at the bar. It was a light dinner.
14 - the # of hookers that I talked to in 4 days at one bar. I heard it was a slow week.
13 - the # of hookers that propositioned me in those 4 days. I guess I wasn't that one girl's type.
12 - the # of times a dealer caught 21 on me when I had 20.
11 - the # of Pai Gow hands it took me to go on tilt. I lost 11 in a row right out of the shoot.
10 - the # of bong hits I took before I went to JFK for my 8:30AM flight. Wake and bake.
9 - the # of bad beats I heard without collecting a single dollar.
8 - the # of cowgirls I saw wearing Crown Royal gear at the Geisha Bar. Working or not working?
7 - the # of times I heard Iggy say the word "please" when talking to a drunk British guy who thought Ricky Hatton was going to win.
6 - the # of times I heard Asian Jew shouted out in the first level of the blogger tourney.
5 - the # of times Sir F asked me if he was slurring his speech. He was. We were at the Venetian bar before he fell asleep there.
4 - the # of times I heard someone compliment GRob's hair. And he wasn't even in Las Vegas.
3 - the # of times The Rooster told a 60 year old Polish hooker that ACH had herpes and 3 kids.
2 - the # of drunk cowgirls that GMoney picked up at the bar.
1 - the # of times Grubby made a stripper squirt on his chest during a lapdance.

Pauly called it "one of the most dramatic final tables in the history of the WPBT" as The Rooster beat Otis heads up for the 4th annual Holiday Classic championship.

Over 120 players signed up and the top 20 places paid. I made it to the final three tables before I busted out.

Final table results:

1. The Rooster
2. Otis
3. Kuro Kitty
4. Schecky
5. Columbo
6. Grubby
7. Miami Don
8. Instant Tragedy
9. Change100
10. Drizz

Pauly, Johnny Hughes, CK, Mary, JoeSpeaker, Brian (from Poker Atlas), Biggestron, Blinders, Falstaff, and Julian all cashed to round out the top 20.

Many thanks to Falstaff for setting this gathering up and picking the Venetian to host the tourney. Great job bro.

This was a great trip. I had a ton of fun hanging out and can't wait to do it again.

There were a few things missing from the trip though, namely Daddy and Jaxia.

Save the donkeyfucker, save the world.

Great times.

This post has been brought to you by my sponsor the United Working Girls of Las Vegas. Unionize!

*Some pictures were stolen from Pauly and Instant Tragedy.


At 12/15/2007 11:12 AM, Blogger Ignatious said...

gawdamn, great post.

these are the best, d. well done.

At 12/15/2007 1:58 PM, Blogger Pauly said...

Definitely one of my favorite posts so far! Good work. I like what you are doing over here.

At 12/15/2007 2:19 PM, Blogger madbrooklyn said...

Great post Derek - I couldn't stop laughing.

If I had known about the hooker asking you about Maudie and me, I would have played along. D'oh - a missed opportunity for fun.


At 12/15/2007 2:49 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've been waiting a week for this masterpiece and as always well done.

Good seeing you again Derek.

I heart Mangini.

At 12/15/2007 11:03 PM, Blogger katitude said...

great post! next time I'm going to wait until your post is up and just direct people here.

trust me, your ass will be grabbed twice next time to make up for missing you this round *grin

At 12/16/2007 1:35 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Awesome re-cap as usual bro

Thanks for admitting you were "playing dumb" sometimes in our "working-not working" game
I was so out of it that I couldn't figure how you DIDN"T KNOW bout dem hoes

you got me good on that one

cowboys brits ufc and hoes best trip yet it was a pleasure running again with you

till the next time......

At 12/17/2007 10:02 AM, Blogger Joaquin "The Rooster" Ochoa said...

Dear God...this had me rolling...thanks for the shouts. I love how Pauly went old school in his comments...haha! I like what you are doing over here. No, but serious, this blog is my homepage. Mustafa is the man! Poor Al I was crushing his game.

At 12/17/2007 11:34 AM, Blogger SirFWALGMan said...

Always fade my picks man. Nice seeing you again!

At 12/17/2007 11:44 AM, Blogger April said...

Awesome post Derek. Great seeing you! Go Texans!

At 12/17/2007 3:32 PM, Blogger StB said...

Hey, I was just in Vegas too. When were you there?

At 12/17/2007 11:04 PM, Blogger GaryC said...

Best trip report ever, every year.

Great hanging out D, can't wait for the next time. Maybe Okie-Vegas?


At 12/18/2007 12:58 AM, Blogger Schaubs said...

Top 5 post for sure. It was great to meet you and hang out in a low key setting. More next time!


At 12/19/2007 2:44 PM, Blogger Unknown said...

I approve of what you do here.

At 12/21/2007 1:54 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

great post - one of these days those hookers are going to get ya!!!

At 12/23/2007 2:46 AM, Blogger CarmenSinCity said...

Looking good Derek!!!!!!

At 12/26/2007 10:43 PM, Blogger Jaxia said...

Dammit! I can't believe I missed another one.

Glad you are keeping things hopping :)


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