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Sunday, December 21, 2008

Las Vegas - December 2008

Holiday Classic Recap

It started with economic problems.

Then the invasion began.

The response was guerrilla warfare.

The site was a small town in the western part of the United States.

It was a late fall/early winter morning when it first happened. Long before the snow would arrive.

Their lives were interrupted by an invasion of cowboys in the empty fields behind the local high schools and casinos.

I believe it was their paratrooper unit.

As the cowboys began their attack, a small group of bloggers obtained weapons and supplies then fled to the nearby mountains.

After hiding out for awhile, they would return looking for news. Any news.

They were joined by two females, possibly Canadians.

One cougar. Plus her daughter.

Legend has it that the cougar’s family once gave those same bloggers sanctuary from the enemy.

Who were these guys that needed sanctuary? And why?

Well, their leader was a man who looked a lot like Travis Tritt. He started a resistance against the cowboys and their occupation forces.

So what if they were out-numbered and out-gunned. They could pull it off.

At least the working girls were secretly on their side. Allies you could say.

Finally, the decision was made.

They went in to town for a closer look but the streets were empty.

The occupation forces rounded up all the citizens and tourists.

The town was dead. A ghost town even.

But you could still hear the cry of the Resistance . . . . . . "Wolverines!!"

Or at least that was what I told the bartender at the IP’s Geisha bar.

What happened next?

I decided to buy some guy at the end of the bar a beer.

I said, “Hey bartender. I want to buy Patrick Swayze a beer. See him down there. Go get him a Budweiser and tell him I’m a huge fan. Thanks bro.”

The bartender thought I was crazy. He said, “That sounds like Red Dawn. I love that movie. But that guy over there looks more like Gilligan after a 3 hour tour. No way that’s Patrick Swayze.”

I got two thumbs up for that move.

Over time, the bloggers were joined by a downed fighter pilot named Lt. Colonel Human Head. He was far better suited to instruct the group on ways to defeat the enemy.

He was well versed in formal military tactics after all. And they would need it against the cowboys.

Eventually, the bloggers would make a foray into the war's front lines …. the local hooker bars and gaming tables.

A few more joined the resistance. An Australian, more Canadians, two suit wearing metro-sexuals, a professional keno player, a bunch of pot smokers, some Viagra junkies, a former member of an East Coast think tank, horny newlyweds, a Soco-ologist, a Doctor, a demolition expert called Maudie, a slot addicted brother/sister tandem, a former gang leader known as G-Money, Danny Gans, a cagey Mexican, five midgets and a sore loser were all recruited.

They were well trained and ready to go. But it didn’t matter.

There were way too many cowboys. And there wasn’t enough time.

There were no answers to be found. No one knew anything.

Or so they said.

Luckily, the bloggers were able to discover a few important things along the way.

I’ll name a few.

Times are tough.

Pimpin’ ain’t easy.

Professional Keno Player Neil Fontenot is a hustler and an angle shooter.

She can’t be a cougar if you’re older than her.

Always keep your head down but your eyes open.

The enemy is everywhere.

And always wear a rubber.

The battle may be lost but the war still rages on.

I thought this was supposed to be a story about gambling, bloggers, cowboys, working girls and a wedding?

Sounds more like World War III or Armageddon.

Will the morale be eroded as the war of attrition takes its toll on their numbers?

Could they successfully escape to the Free American territory?

The chair is against the wall.

I repeat. The chair is against the wall.

Shit, I lost a lot of money playing blackjack at the MGM and IP.

But I don’t care.

Do you want to know why?

I got to buy Patrick Swayze a few drinks. He was great in Red Dawn and Youngblood.


* * * * *

Memorable Moments, Random Thoughts and the lowdown

As per my usual pre-flight routine, I woke up at 5am for my 11am flight so I could get high. That’s taking dedication to a new level. Wake and bake!

Our cab driver said that Danny Gans was a bad Jew because he saw him eating a pork chop at the Mirage plus he never goes to the synagogue. Our driver was Israeli and seemed kind of ticked at Danny Gans.

The working girls like to make their last stop of the night at the MGM. You can get sloppy lasts between 5am to 7am if you want it. Stop by the area near the Zuri Lounge.

They cut down on porn slappers in Las Vegas. It doesn’t seem the same without all those triple slappers lined up and down the strip. The economy must be hurting if porn is taking a hit.

The MGM has great beds.

Iggy was minding his own business when he got hit on by some cougar. She had her 21 year old daughter with her. Is it me or does this sound like the preamble to a Bang Bros porn video?

The IP hooker bar still rules.

The Wynn buffet rocks. I ate a shitload of food there with Pauly, Change100, Poker Prof and Flipchip. The bread pudding there is awesome!

During the Venetian tourney, I busted F Train, April and Grubby. I put a vicious beat on Grubby too. I also re-sucked the case Queen against F Train. Ship it!

Viva la weddings!

Hookers at the IP Geisha bar were passive aggressive yet loose tight.

Is there anything better than playing Working or Not Working with G-Money? Get your bitch ass to the Casino Royale damnit!!

Sweet sweet Pablo and Sweet sweet Gracie rule!!

I had a great meal at MGM’s Craftsteak. I got to sit next to Badblood again and everyone had the tasting menu. We all ate a ton of Kobe beef. I took a crap the next day and I think my shit had 10 pounds of Kobe beef in it. Viva la Wagyu!

I clogged a toilet at the IP while listening to the Deal-a-tainers in the background.

What’s up with the Joey Buttafucco pants at the crab leg bar? The guy also had a t-shirt that said, "I fish naked."

Blackjack sucks.

I got some great keno tips from Professional Keno Player Neil Fontenot.

It was great meeting new people like Dredful, Pirate Lawyer and OhCaptain.

It was great partying with Human Head. I haven’t seen that mofo in a long time. Good times as per usual. I really wish Mrs. Head could’ve made the trip though!!!

Where the hell was Jaxia? And Daddy? And GCox? And Otis? And Johnny Hughes for that matter? I wish they came too. You were all missed.

Tao of Poker/Keno-rati . . . . nuff said.

Viva los Grubby y Grubette.

Getting another chance to be in the presence of Sir AlCan'tHang and Big Mike. Truly honored.

Derek 2, Grubette 2

Two words: Mean Gene

Aussie Aussie Aussie . . . Garth, Garth, Garth.

All night benders.

Congrats to Schecky and Jen Leo on their new kid!

I’m still not sure why I’m only allowed to do # 1 in Change100's toilet.

Some homeless guy tried to crash Gracie’s wedding. He heard about the wedding cake and herbal supplements.

Some guy thought Donkey Puncher was our chauffer because he was wearing a suit.

Blackjack TILT.

Sports book Sunday.

Great starting table during the tourney. I sat with CK, Byron, Grubby, Grubette, Iggy, F-Train, Obie. I later got moved to Change100, Maigrey, THG, and BuddyDank’s table.

Tradition: Drinking at the Geisha bar and the MGM sports book.

Rule #20.

Iggy is one cagey mofo at the poker tables. He called the clock on me after 5 seconds. I waited out the 59 seconds before I folded. Did you know he’s also the 8th best poker player in Latin America?

Two words I didn’t think I would hear this trip but did: Dick Bro. Thanks Betty!!

Ass grabbing.

Boob grabbing

Chaka no like sleep.

12 packs of cigarettes in 5 days. Dirty dozen fo sure.

Sore loser.

Chaka no like crystal meth.

Nice catch trout.

ABC. Always. Be. Closing.

Bet the receipt numbers.

There’s a beer bust at the moon tower.

Diesel + G 13 + Swiss Cheese = Heaven

4 inches of snow in Vegas? Sick.

Pablo crushed the craps table. Supposedly drunk frat boys were chanting his name "Pablo! Pablo! Pablo!"

I was cold decked in almost every table game I played. Or maybe I’m just a horrible gambler? Roshambo anyone?

No trips to the Rhino for me. I wish I stayed another day so I could’ve gone to the strip club with Badblood and Professional Keno Player Neil Fontenot. As PKPNF would say, “You gotta support the local economy and single moms.”

I crushed another steak at Outback. Iggy almost ordered off the Joey Menu. Grilled Cheese-A-Roo!

There was a naked fat guy on the terrace at the IP. GMoney thought he was sunning his penis.

Apparently, Shaun Ellis smokes weed and scores touchdowns.

I overslept on Sunday and missed some of the NFL games.

I slept about 3 hours a night.

The hookers love Professional Keno Player Neil Fontenot.

I took a lot of joy in seeing how pissed Dan Michalski was after Professional Keno Player Neil Fontenot busted him from the Venetian tournament. Dan limped in and played like a pussy so Neil had to bust him.

I got to see some great pics of Human Head’s baby.

Pauly won some money tossing tomatoes off GMoney’s balcony at the IP. Ship it!

Pauly and I almost took on some frat boys in beer pong over at O'Sheas.

I told a working girl that my name was Dan Michalski. She didn’t believe me. Dan must already have her cell number.

I busted out of the tourney around 30th after building a big stack early. I suck.

I almost went all day Saturday without eating.

Maudie = gigli.

No back to back. The Defending champ The Rooster went out 2nd.

Congrats to Maigrey for bouncing back after the floor staff almost fucked her proper. Bad call on their part for making her sit out an orbit when the dealer fucked up. She got screwed but rallied back to make the final table. She eventually beat Obie heads up to win the tourney. Feel her hammer!!!

Congrats to Mr. and Mrs. Pablo!

The party bus that took us to the chapel ruled. We drank Soco out of champagne glasses. Anyone have any OxyContin?

I heard a hooker had to pay Professional Keno Player Neil Fontenot money after they had sex. Never roll dice with PKPNF.

Garth kicked butt in the Hard Rock charity tourney . . . congrats on the 4th place finish!

Pauly said that Marty saw a blind women in the men’s room. He thinks she was confused but Pauly says Marty was probably in the wrong restroom.

ACH busted Tiffany Michelle during the Hard Rock charity tourney. French fries anyone?

I crushed an In & Out burger while Professional Keno Player Neil Fontenot shot dice in the parking lot with some cowboys and a homeless guy.

Pauly tried to use a bogus hip flexor story to secure a Vicodin prescription from Dr. Jeff. He was quickly denied.

Grubby got a text message from some stripper he fingered at the Rhino? Holy smokes Batman! There was a squirting incident last year, now there’s a fingering one? What’s gonna happen next year?

At one point Iggy was stuck over $600 in roshambo. Professional Keno Player Neil Fontenot won $100 from him.

Pauly coolered me at the MGM blackjack tables while he brought Pablo some good luck. Booo!!

I ate Maudie’s bacon then I tweeted her twat. Or is that twatted her tweet?

CC in the NYC!!

Professional Keno Player Neil Fontenot busted out in 52nd place of the blogger tourney. He sat at table 14, seat 9. He later played those numbers at keno and won $1500.

I learned a lot of important lessons on both life and keno from Professional Keno Player Neil Fontenot.

Pablo stiffed Human Head. After listening to Pablo's bad beat story, Head demanded his money but Pablo wouldn’t pay up and just walked away.

Cocaine in a can baby!

It’s not Neil Fontenot. It’s Neil Fonte-YEAH!

* * * * *

Favorite Quotes

No meth, no keno secrets sucka.

Is there anything better than ecstasy and generic Viagra?

The reason I don't watch TV, is because I did so much meth that I took apart my TV.

Did you get that hooker? It's a moot point because I'm over my ATM withdrawl limit for the day.

How would you like to make $14 the hard way?

Hey boys and girls, if you aren’t wasted then your day is.

Where’s Joo the Pai Gow dealer?

Your blog is my homepage.

What’s with The Rooster wearing a Cosby sweater?

Coffee is for closers like Professional Keno Player Neil Fontenot.

You’ve been Keno’d sucka.

I think it’s much harder to identify the hoes than the hookers.

Look at all those losers walking the strip!

Iggy to everyone: “Bobby Bracelet got raped at the roulette table. Is he going to play blackjack now?” Elizabeth to Iggy: "No, he’s going to the ATM."

* * * * *

Great pickup lines to use while in Las Vegas

1. Hey baby, up late or up early?
2. Nice shoes . . . wanna fuck?
3. Hi, I’m Dan but you can call me Friday.
4. I have $300 in my pocket with your name on it.

* * * * *

Favorite PKPNF tweets

1. I woke up this morning and donkeypuncher was laying next to me. weird thing was he was still in his suit and hair was perfect. my butt hurts.
2. the rooster comes up to me and brags about getting some girl's #. upon closer inspection its a card for his next dentist appt.

* * * * *

The Top 15 List: By the numbers . . .

15 - the # of bong hits I took before I went to JFK for my flight to Las Vegas. Wake and bake is the breakfast of champions not cigarettes and donuts.
14 - the # of times I called Stb a "sore loser." That joke will never get old.
13 - the # of times Dan Michalski said something gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
12 – the # of Pai Gow hands I played before I swore off it for the rest of the trip. Pai Gow TILT.
11 - the # of times a dealer caught 21 on me when I had 19 or 20 dealt to me.
10 - the # of bad beats I heard without collecting a $1. And that was only during the first break of the Venetian tourney.
9 – the # of times someone asked me if I had a myspace or facebook page. Isn’t a poker blog gay enough?
8 – the # of times I dropped the kids off at the pool during this trip. One of the pools was in Change100’s room at the MGM. Just kidding. Or am I?
7 – the # of hookers that propositioned me in 5 days. 14 of them hit on me last year. I blame it on downsizing.
6 – the # of bloggers that got keno’d by PKPNF during this trip. From Roshambo to Poker to Dice to Keno. He’s got an edge in every game suckas!
5 - the # of times I heard someone compliment GRob's hair. It’s legendary and silky smooth.
4 - the # of times I saw the sun rise in Las Vegas during this trip. The economy is so rough, even the hookers are still up when the sun comes out. Longer work days and less money. That kind of sounds like my job.
3 - the # of times Dan Michalski snuck a peek at Pauly’s junk during a piss break. Why do I get the feeling this was not the first time?
2 - the # of female asses I grabbed without getting slapped. Yes we can!!!
1 - the # of times I overheard a working girl tell her pimp that the Zuri lounge was beat and no one had any cheddar to throw around. She said she was bouncing but I saw her later on at the craps table throwing dice. I love Las Vegas.

* * * * *

Tao of Pokerati or Tao of Kenorati?

Pauly and Dan Michalski taped some new episodes of Tao of Pokerati.

Special guests include myself, MeanGene, the Human Head, and Professional Keno Player Neil Fontenot.
Episode 6.1: Gathering of the Geeks (2:31)
Pauly's description: Recorded at the sportsbook bar at MGM. Derek makes his first appearance, while Michalski and Professional Keno Player Neil Fontenot get off to a rough start.

Episode 6.2: Hooker by Numbers, 1-2-3 (3:52)
Pauly's description: Recorded at the sportsbook bar at MGM. Michalski shares a hooker story. Featuring Derek and MeanGene.

Episode 6.3: Hookers, Keno, and Meth (2:27)
Pauly's description: Recorded in my suite at the MGM. PKPNF talks about his initial experiences with poker bloggers.

Episode 6.4: Crushed Venetian Dreams (2:19)
Pauly's description: Recorded at the Venetian... mostly in the mens room. Michalski followed me in and we recorded most of this episode at the urinal during one of the breaks in the blogger tournament. Yes, he snuck a peek at my junk.

Episode 6.5: Keno'ed Address (1:41)
Pauly's description: Recorded at the Venetian soprtsbook bar. PKPNF explains how he busted Michalski. The word "pussy" is used to describe his play.

Episode 6.6: Hooker Q&A (feat. "Valerie") (2:40)
Pauly's description: Recorded at the MGM. Michalksi and I described the late night scene at the MGM when we were interrupted by not one but two hookers.

Episode 6.7: Existentialist Hooker Theater 3000 (3:39)
Pauly's description: Recorded at the Zuri lounge in the MGM. Derek and the Human Head are back with some observations of the late night hooker scene.

Episode 6.8: Hooker and Muthafugger Buffet! (3:05)
Pauly's description: Recorded at the Zuri lounge in the MGM. Derek and the Human Head discuss even more observations of the late night hooker scene.
If you want to listen to older episodes, please visit the Tao of Pokerati archives.

* * * * *

Thanks to Falstaff for organizing the Venetian tournament.

Congrats again to Gracie and Pablo!!!

Until next time . . . .

*This post has been brought to you by my sponsor Professional Keno Player Neil Fontenot


At 12/21/2008 10:29 AM, Blogger The Bracelet said...

Well done, sir.

And for the record I hit the ATM before losing at Roulette so that I could lose there and go straight to losing at something else. It's all in the preparation, my friend.

At 12/21/2008 11:10 AM, Blogger gadzooks64 said...


Well played.

Easily one of the best writes ups of the Blogger Bash that I have read.


At 12/21/2008 12:38 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

well done, sir.

At 12/21/2008 1:41 PM, Blogger GMoney said...

A truly great write up Derek!
How the hell do you remember all that shit when you do 15 bong hits BEFORE you come to Vegas?

It was truly a great time-as always When you look at how much fun was had in only 3 days...

Thanks for bringing all those funny moments back into focus!

Great hanging with you again my man

At 12/21/2008 6:01 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Best. Trip. Report. Ever.

Glad we got to see you, D.

At 12/21/2008 8:17 PM, Blogger Ignatious said...

lord, i love me some derek trip reports.

awesome job, bro.

At 12/22/2008 12:42 AM, Blogger Jaxia said...

Dammit! I missed another one.

At 12/22/2008 1:23 PM, Blogger Joaquin "The Rooster" Ochoa said...

Again...PiTW strikes. Holla! These posts need to canonized in Blogger Lore. Holla!

At 12/23/2008 3:28 PM, Blogger Shrike said...

Fantastic report. I had the honour of being at your starting table as well.


At 12/23/2008 7:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow -- nice, nice write-up. One a dese years I gonna go get my groove (what's left of it) on too.


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