Poker in the Weeds

Happy New Year!!

2012-01-01T16:20:00.000-05:00

Merry Christmas . . . .

2011-12-25T04:20:00.001-05:00

Happy Holidays everyone!!!

Las Vegas – December 2011

2011-12-11T16:20:00.077-05:00

Holiday Classic Recap: Words with Friends

Broke, blind or bedlam?

How about all three??

Good morning.

Morning.

State your name for the record.

Billy Cundiff.

Thank you. The purpose of this hearing is to determine whether you are likely to break the law again. This was your first conviction but you were implicated in a dozen other schemes and frauds. What can you tell us about this?

I was never charged.

We're trying to find out if there was a reason for committing this crime or just a reason you got caught this time.

My wife left me. I was upset. I got into a self-destructive pattern.

If released, is it likely you'd fall back into a similar pattern?

She left me once. I doubt she'd do it again just for kicks.

Mr. Cundiff, what do you think you would do if released?

Get my weiner wet. Then eventually go play professional football.

* * * * *

This is Billy Cundiff. I was told to contact you within hours of my release.

No, sir, I haven't been getting into trouble. No, sir, I haven't been drinking or gambling. No, sir, I wouldn't even think about leaving the state.

* * * * *

Billy Cundiff? Is that you? How’s it going? When did you get out?? Welcome to Las Vegas!

I don’t know what you’re talking about bro? You must have me confused with someone else.

What are you talking about? It’s me. What’s going on Billy?

I go by “Chilly” now. “Billy Cundiff” can't get past the Nevada state gaming board. Know what I mean.

Understood. Chilly it is. Did you just get out?

Yep. Mustafa and Professional Keno Player Neil Fontenot say, “Hi.” Do you want to bet on how many toe nails I have painted? I’ll give you 7 to 1 odds.

Sure. Let’s go for it.

I asked tons of questions.

It helped.

I had it narrowed down to….1 or 2 toe nails.

I was getting close because Chilly was starting to sweat.

But then it happened.

Chilly gave out a false tell.

I fell for it. I guessed wrong.

Fuck Chilly!!!

7 to 1 odds?

What the fuck was I thinking?

There’s 10 toes damnit!

I got hustled.

I wasn’t the only one. Damn that Chilly!!

If you're wondering...it was the big toe.

Sergeant Hulka.

Dejected and hustled.

I want my money back!!

Look Chilly, we go way back and I owe you from the thing with the guy.

I've never been to St. Louis.

So what’s the next scam? I want in on the next hustle.

Well, there’s a cowboy convention and a marathon in town. There’s gonna be lots of weird costumes and a ton of confusion so I was thinking about knocking over a couple of casinos.

Which ones?

The Bellagio, the Mirage and the MGM Grand.

Wow. They got enough armed personnel to Occupy Wall Street!

Yes, but we’re gonna pull it off and live like kings. C'mon, it's just like invading Czechoslovakia. We zip in, we zip right out. We're not going into Moscow or China. We’re robbing the Bellagio, the Mirage and the MGM Grand. It's like going into Wisconsin and looking for drunk girls at a beerfest. Easy money. Are you in?

Totally, but we’re gonna need a crew as nuts as you are. Who do you got in mind?

Well, we need at least 11 guys doing a combination of cons. Off the top of my head, I'd say we're looking at a Boesky, a Dr. Pauly, a Grubby, a Bobby Bracelet, a Jim Brown, a G-Money, a G-Rob, an Iggy and the Mark. Not to mention the biggest Al Can’t Hang ever.

Terrific. It'll be nice working with proper villains again.

The Bellagio, the Mirage and the MGM Grand.

Aren’t those Terry Benedict’s casinos?

The eye in the sky at Aria must think I have a foot fetish.

The Big Toe.

Sergeant Hulka.

Fucking Chilly!!!

* * * * *

Memorable Moments, Random Thoughts and the lowdown

As per my usual pre-flight routine, I woke up at 4am for my 9am flight so I could get high. Wake and bake baby!

It's hard to handicap fake dogs.

Betting on digital greyhounds rules!

Who doesn’t like a hit from the Volcano? Viva la Volcano!!!

The Wicked Spoon buffet rocks…so does the mac-n-cheese with bacon. Best ever.

Instead of tipping the homeless girl who was singing with money, Pauly gave her a fat nug. Wow. She was a horrible singer too. The best part was…she was so damn pleasantly shocked at the “weed” tip that she stopped singing! Yes!!

I shocked and tilted Pauly when I ordered a glass of wine with my mac n cheese for breakfast.

Two hillbilly college chicks from Ohio State tried to pick up Iggy and myself outside the Aria sportsbook. Now that definitely sounds like the preamble to a Bang Bros video.

Garth tried to convince two girls he was not Australian.

The Niners Super Fan rules!

I cleaned up betting on the digital greyhound races against Pauly and G-Rob. Ship it!!!

Joe Speaker (talking about the IP) while standing out front smoking a cigarette…."I needed fresh air. It smells like socks and hairspray in there."

G-Vegas took money from Jose Canseco at the Palms poker room. Or was it Ozzie Canseco?

Team Tao of Fear didn’t do so well at the Aria tourney. Wait till next year!

G-Rob convinced Laurie the dealer that Iggy was a pro hockey player named Zigmund Palffy.

I only spent a fews hours at the IP and the Geisha Bar this year. It just isn’t the same without G-Money.

Our little sister Mo didn’t show up this year. I was hoping to watch her crush another huge Chorizo breakfast at the Hash House.

Tebow'ing. Unreal.

Pauly got hustled. He fell for the old "piece-of-painted-wood-in-a-vending-machine" trick.

I lost my Cincinnati Bengals bet for the second year in a row. Damn those Steelers!!

Fuck the Pats and their 4th quarter implosion. They blew the teaser too.

Cam Newton! No more El Falstaffo the unknown Panthers fan.

Added money to the last longer bet, a $500 cake plus $1,000 in food/drinks…thanks to Jordan and Pokerist.com!

Orlovsky Tilt. Again, fuck the Pats!!

Happy birthday Otis! Him and the gang ran a half-marathon and the finish line went down the strip.

Weird costumes in the race…superheroes, naked people, Blues Brothers, Elvis’, etc.

ACH dancing!!

Congrats to Timtern for 3rd place. Congrats to Chilly’s friend for 2nd and congrats to Melissa for 1st place and winning the Hammer Trophy. I still have a mental block and think Timtern won.

We spotted David Sklansky wearing a PokerStars polo shirt and sitting at a slot machine while talking to himself. I did not see any under-aged girls with him.

The Aria’s SkyBox restaurant in the sportsbook rules!

I was super bummed to not see G-Money, Gracie & Pablo, Human Head & Mrs. Head, Bobby Bracelet, Daddy, Jaxia, Donkeypuncher, Mr. & Mrs. Spaceman, Waffles, the Fat Guy, the Rooster, GCox, et al. I wish they all came out to Las Vegas this year. You were all missed.

I did not clog a single toilet. Damn. Looks like I have a new streak.

No trips to the strip club for me. Sorry PKPNF but I just couldn’t support the local economy and single moms this time.

Congrats to the team last longer winners ACH, Jess Welman and Alex Poker guy.

I stayed at the Aria this trip. I hate to point out the obvious but the girls at Aria are much hotter than the girls at the IP. Just throwing that out there.

Congrats to Poker Vixen for being Gigli.

Chaka no like crystal meth.

Me, Pauly and Grubby got hustled by Chilly and his painted toe nail prop bet. Fucking Chilly!!

Chilly revealed that he once ate 21 enchiladas in one sitting.

Orlando Fantasy 68, Cleveland Crush 8…Lingerie football rules!!! Pauly, myself, Chilly, Iggy, Stb and Maudie pooled our bets and won!

Don't fuck with the lingerie football betting syndicate!!!

Dawn Summers, Maigrey and Caity were line dancing….Pauly said the “Apocalypse is nigh.”

Pauly and I had a Jerry Seinfeld moment at check-in...what good is a reservation if they don't honor it?

At the Aria tourney, my starting table was: Lefty, Katkin, Joe Speaker, Maudie, April, Oh Captain, Chilly and Timtern. Wookie, Iggy and Marty sat down later on. Good times.

I got moved to another table but got KO’d shortly after the move. At the table: Penner, Ryan, Poker Dave, Poker Peaker, Otis, Jordan, Curtis, Badblood, and Change100.

Ryan KO’d me and won my bounty which was a Bacon scented air freshener that he can hang in his car.

Drizz was overheard saying, “Shit, I’m half deaf and I could still hear Speaker snoring.”

Yelling at marathon runners in costumes….lost my voice for two days.

Chilly dancing with everyone at the bar who walked by him.

I am on the wrong side of the fix.

I hung out at Aria mostly as well as the IP, Monte Carlo, and Mandalay Bay.

Great sushi meal at Social House with Pauly, Change100, G-Rob, Maudie, Iggy, Badblood, F-Train, ACH, and Jess.

I got to play a cash game with Pauly, Change100, F-Train, Iggy, G-Rob, Maudie and ACH.

Katkin played PLO with Orel Hershiser.

Drizz lost a poker hand to Iggy and claimed it prevented him from having a private stripper for a month. He didn’t mention whether or not that stripper would have teeth or no teeth.

Iggy said some guy on the strip was dressed in a full Mickey Mouse costume laying on the sidewalk drinking from a 40 oz. I wonder if any tourists tried to take any pictures with him?

We've hit a new gambling low…betting on Chilly’s toe nails and Lingerie football. Or is that a new gambling high?

Did Iggy really see Pete Rose at Caesers with a 7 foot tall hot Asian gal?

Mount Rushmore of TV! Has anyone ever picked the Price is Right?

We saw some chick at the blackjack table fall out of her seat and hit her head. Some security guard tried to tell G-Rob…”Nothing to see here. Keep moving.” Action news live from the Monte Carlo!

Our lingerie bowl football betting syndicate decided to take our winnings and walk.

Thanks to all my degenerate friends for another awesome time in Las Vegas.

And congrats to Joe Speaker too!! His boys can still swim!!

* * * * *

You never took a night off to see me run before. They'll dock you for that.

Hey, money ain't everything.

It's not that big a deal. I mean, it's two lousy hours of running, if that. It’s not like its six lousy minutes on the mat.

You ever hear of Pele?

Yeah, he's a famous soccer player.

I was in the room here one day... watchin' the Mexican channel on TV. I don't know nothin' about Pele. I'm watchin' what this guy can do with a ball and his feet. Next thing I know, he jumps in the air and flips into a somersault and kicks the ball in...upside down and backwards. The goddamn goalie never knew what the fuck hit him. Pele gets excited and he rips off his jersey and starts running around the stadium waving it around his head. Everybody's screaming in Spanish. I'm here, sitting alone in my room, and I start crying.

Wow. Seriously?

Yeah, that's right, I started crying. Because another human being, a species that I happen to belong to, could kick a ball, and lift himself, and the rest of us sad-assed human beings, up to a better place to be, if only for a minute... let me tell ya, it was pretty goddamned glorious. It ain't the two hours...it's what happens in those two hours.

Congrats to….Otis, G-Rob, Badblood, Dr. Chako, Curtis, Pokerpeaker and Mattazuma for finishing the marathon. Did I forget anyone?

And to the best of my knowledge…. Otis did not fall down during the race.

Pretty impressive. Very proud. Congrats guys!

* * * * *

The Top 10 List: By the numbers . . .

10 - the # of bong hits I took per hour before I went to JFK for my flight to Las Vegas. Wake and bake. Gotta cope somehow.

9 - the # of women Iggy and I saw licking or kissing the Elvis bust at Aria. It’s the Blarney Stone of Las Vegas. Well, except for the locals urinating on it part.

8 - the # of strippers on my flight from JFK to Las Vegas. Every single one of those weekend warriors was holding coke or some sort of drugs!!! Too many restroom trips. My kind of girls.

7 - the # of overpriced meals I ate the Aria. Fool me once….ah forget about it. I’m a sheeple.

6 – the # of people in the Lingerie Football betting syndicate. We own Las Vegas. And only one of us actually played college football. Beware. Be afraid. We are united. You can not divide us. We are legion. Expect us.

5 - the # of people that told me to open up a twitter and a facebook account. Stop asking and I will stop putting this in the top ten list.

4 - the # of naked guys that ran the marathon wearing the Borat thong. Apparently, that cuts down on bloody nipples and chafing.

3- the # of people that I saw get hustled by Chilly’s toe nail prop bet. Our parents would be embarrassed.

2 - the # of times a TSA agent grabbed my junk and man boobs. And that was on my way to the restroom. What’s next people?

1 - the # of times both Mustafa and Alec Baldwin have been thrown off a bankrupt American Airlines flight because they wouldn’t stop playing Words with Friends. The ladies love their schweddy balls too. HOLLA!!!

* * * * *

The owner of my new company mailed me a holiday package with the below items in it. Love it!

Happy Holidays everyone!!!

* * * * *

*This post has been brought to you by my sponsors the Tao of Fear and Bang Bros.

Happy Thanksgiving!!

2011-11-24T04:20:00.000-05:00

Enjoy your Turkey day!

Here's the infamous pic of me and Dr. Pauly from the 1970's.

Happy Halloween!

2011-10-31T04:20:00.001-04:00

Dr. Pauly . . .

2011-09-20T10:17:00.006-04:00

Stop by Pauly's blog and wish him a Happy Birthday!

And don't forget to buy his book!!

Go Jets!!!!

God Bless America . . . .

2011-09-11T16:20:00.005-04:00

and the green stuff too!!

Go Jets!!!

2011-08-24T16:20:00.001-04:00

Are you ready for some football???

I know I am!!

Go Jets!!!!!!!

Coney Island Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest

2011-07-04T13:27:00.007-04:00

Happy 4th of July!!!

Joey Chestnut won his fifth straight Nathan's Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest in Coney Island, swallowing 62 dogs in 10 minutes.

Sadly, no Takeru Kobayashi.

Jack Tripper Stole My Dog . . . . .

2011-06-14T16:20:00.000-04:00

Please buy a copy of Jack Tripper Stole My Dog. The best way is to use this link:

http://tinyurl.com/JackTripperBook

And for all you Kindle junkies out there.... Jack Tripper Stole My Dog is now available to download for only $8.88!

Click here to buy your copy of JTSMD for a Kindle.

The e-book can be read on iPads (make sure you have a Kindle app).

In case you missed the trailer...

Click here to buy a copy.

Here's some info like FAQs, the website, Facebook page, and @JackTripperBook on Twitter.

Lost Vegas - French Cover + 7 years old . . . .

2011-05-20T16:20:00.004-04:00

Here's the French cover of Lost Vegas...

And here's the page for the French version of Lost Vegas (translated by Benjo).

* * * * *

I just realized that my poker blog turned 7 years old on May 9, 2011.

Unreal.

Here's to 7 more years!

Happy 420!!!

2011-04-20T16:20:00.005-04:00

Smoke them if you got them . . .

I know I will!!!

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

2011-03-17T16:20:00.000-04:00

Here's to all the drunken Irish and non-Irish junkies out there.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!

Name something that gets passed around . . .

2011-02-19T16:20:00.004-05:00

Top 100 people were surveyed on The Family Feud and guess what one contestant said after he buzzed in?

Happy New Year!!

2011-01-01T04:20:00.003-05:00

2012 is coming soon . . . visit the Tao of Fear.

Las Vegas – December 2010

2010-12-18T16:20:00.005-05:00

Holiday Classic Recap: Unplugged

I know why you're here.

You do?

I know why you hardly sleep and why night after night, you sit by your computer alone. You're looking for it. I know because I was once looking for it too.

Are you talking about free porn sites again?

No, I’m not. The answer is out there and it's looking for you. Are you ready to be unplugged?

What the fuck are you talking about?

You have to understand, most people are not ready to be unplugged. Many of them are so hopelessly dependent on the system that they will fight to protect it. I imagine that right about now you're feeling a bit like Alice tumbling down the rabbit hole.

I'm a little confused for sure.

I see it in your eyes Waffles. You have the look of a man who accepts what he sees because he is expecting to wake up. Ironically, that's not too far from the truth. Do you believe in fate?

No.

Why not?

Because I don't like the idea that I'm not in control of my life.

It makes you wonder why we gamble but I know exactly what you mean Waffles. Let me tell you why you're here. You're here because you know something. What you know you can't explain, but you feel it. You've felt it your entire life, that there's something wrong with the world. You don't know what it is, but it’s there, like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad. It is this feeling that has brought you to me. Do you know what I'm talking about?

That I should buy the fucking dip?

Do you want to know what "the Dip" is?

Yes.

It seems that you've been living two lives Waffles. One of these lives has a future, and one of them does not. Sooner or later you're going to realize just as I did that there's a difference between knowing the path and walking the path.

I still don’t know what the dip is .... so how can I buy it?

The Dip is everywhere. It is all around us, even now, in this very room. You can see it when you look out your window, or when you turn on your television. You can feel it when you go to work, or when you play poker, or when you pay your taxes. It is the world that has been pulled over your eyes to blind you from the truth.

What truth? You know I don’t own a cell phone because the CIA is trying to control us with them. Texting is for sheep.

I’m not talking about the CIA but you are a slave, Waffles. Like everyone else, you were born into bondage, born inside a prison that you can not smell, taste, or touch. A prison for your mind.

Huh? I just want to know what the dip is you pothead.

Unfortunately, no one can be told what "the Dip" is. You have to see it for yourself. To deny our own impulses is to deny the very thing that makes us human. This is your last chance Waffles. After this, there is no turning back.

You're one crazy motherfucker but I like that about you.

I'm trying to free your mind, Waffles. But I can only show you the door. You're the one that has to walk through it.

Let’s do it.

You take the blue pill, the story ends, you awake in your bed where Miami Don may or may not anally rape you BUT you'll believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill, you stay in Wonderland with me and Dr. Pauly, and we show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.

As Waffles reaches for the red pill, I remind him that all we're offering is the truth, nothing more.

I know Kung Fu.

That's nothing Waffles. I can dodge bullets baby.

Buy the fucking dip!!!

* * * * *

Memorable Moments, Random Thoughts and the lowdown

As per my usual pre-flight routine, I woke up at 5am for my 10am flight so I could get high. Wake and bake baby!

The Black Bear diner rules! I ate scrambled eggs and sausages on biscuits with gravy smothered over it. I also ate some big ass potatoes on the side.

I had a $100 bounty on my head for the Aria blogger tourney….thanks to Otis and Pokerstars!

Drizz got cut off at the Sherwood Forest Bar. That would never happen at the Geisha bar.

I had a great starting table during the blogger tourney. I sat with Waffles, Russ Fox, Katkin, Kat, Grubby, Dr. Jeff and BrianMC.

Grubby was to my left for a couple hours and I had a great time catching up with him. We also got a chance to play against each other in a couple of pots. To quote Grubby, "One time we kept staring at each other like we were in love, only to realize that he had checked and he was waiting for my action."

I got high with three bloggers I never knew smoked weed.

I spent a lot of time hanging out with Pablo, Iggy, Stb, Pauly, Gracie and Kat. Good times.

The Kobe beef burger at the Burger bar ruled!! I crushed it.

The Burger Palace at the IP still sucks.

The Geisha bar still rocks!

The Surly Poker Gnome is one cagey mofo!!

I had a big lunch at the Mirage’s Carnegie Deli with Pauly and Stb. Stb crushed the Woody Allen sandwich. Most people can’t even eat a half of it in one sitting but Stb did. He finished the second half Homer Simpson style later that night.

Mixed games and drinking at the MGM!

Who doesn’t like a hit from the Volcano?

Late night….Krispy kreme rules! Al Can't Hang and I crushed a ton of those donuts.

Pauly and I saw some drunk guy propose to his girlfriend on the bridge while walking over to the Excalibur.

The Excalibur has a black jack Party pit with a stripper pole and hot dancers. Holla!!!

Team 420 Allstars played like shit at the Aria tourney but at least we got cool hats!!

Our little sister Mo crushed her huge Chorizo breakfast at the Hash House before the above picture was taken.

Bernard at Aria makes some killer Mojitos according to Mo and Pablo.

Thanks to Al Can't Hang and Full Tilt for comping our bill at the sportsbook.

I lost my Cincinnati Bengals bet this year at the sportbook but I won betting on the New York Knicks!!! It's been years since I bet on a Knicks game. After Pauly and I put our bets in, the IP sportsbook upped their line by a 1/2 point! Amare Stoudamire rules!!! Fuck Lebron James and Go Knicks!!

El Falstaffo to the rescue!

Joe Speaker is the man!! I love that guy....in a very heterosexual way.

Good times catching up with Garth and Gretchen. I laughed when Garth told me he needed to lose weight. I thought he needed to put on weight by what do I know, I'm a stupid American that loves to supersize everything.

Finally, I got to hang out with all of G-Vegas at once. It’s been awhile since Otis, Badblood, GRob, CJ, and the Mark where in one place at the same time as me. It was also great hanging with Dr. Jeff, Chilly and Marty.

Some old asian lady who was a cashier at the IP store was busting Stb’s balls because the Cowboys lost to the Eagles.

Someone asked me if Pauly had change of one hundred with him? I replied, “Not in fifties but probably in twenties.” I’m an idiot because the person was really asking where Change100 was.

Bayne and Stb went on a craps heater. Stb also crushed the Pai gow tables that night.

I walked into Bill’s smoke shop and they didn’t sell any cigarettes. It was mostly bongs and other smoking paraphernalia and for some reason I was completely bummed out. What’s happening to me?

Gotta love old lady porn slappers!!

Congrats to Miami Don for winning the Aria blogger tourney!

Pauly, Stb and I were in a cab when we heard the dispatcher mention over the radio that there was a new fare at the Budget Suites. Her name was Jen and she needed to go to work at Hustler asap. Jen by day ... Sable by night.

Sweet sweet Pablo and Sweet Sweet Gracie rule!! I love those peeps.

I was super bummed to not see G-Money, Human Head & Mrs. Head, Change100, Bobby Bracelet, Daddy, Jaxia, Donkeypuncher, Mr. & Mrs. Spaceman, the Fat Guy, Maudie, the Rooster, GCox, et al. I wish they all came out to Las Vegas this year. You were all missed.

Viva los Grubby y Grubette!!

Las Vegas toilets 7 Derek 0. I tried but my bowel movements don’t pack the same punch they used to after I lost 49 pounds.

Two words I did NOT hear this trip: Dick Bro.

I was pretty bummed about not getting to play Working or Not Working with G-Money? Until next year bro. Get your bitch ass to the Casino Royale damnit!!

Tradition: Drinking at the Geisha bar and the MGM sports book.

Rule #20.

No trips to the strip club for me. Sorry PKPNF but I just couldn’t support the local economy and single moms this time.

I didn’t see too many working girls but I saw a lot of hoes.

Getting another chance to be in the presence of Sir AlCan'tHang. Truly honored as always.

Sports book Sunday rocked. Lots of food, lots of booze and lots of gambling. Fade Waffles' picks!

Ass grabbing & boob grabbing. Thanks Kat!!

Chaka no like sleep.

12 packs of cigarettes in 4 days. Dirty dozen.

Chaka no like crystal meth.

Nice catch trout.

ABC. Always. Be. Closing.

Bet the receipt numbers bro.

Pauly kept joking with Stb and Waffles that they were narcs. Could you speak into the microphone please.

There’s a beer bust at the moon tower.

Holy Water + Maui Wowie + Herojuana = Heaven

Watched Skinny GRob clean up betting on the Kentucky basketball game.

The private skybox at Emeril Lagasse's Stadium/Sportsbook at the Palazzo rocked. We had a private room again with a pool table, a bunch of TVs, a video game machine AND we got the outside porch this time so we could smoke while watching the outside TVs that were there. Fucking awesome!!!

And for the second year in a row, a Las Vegas casino got robbed of over $1mil the day I left town.

* * * * *

Favorite Quotes & Tweets

Tara Reid? Dead or Canadian?

I am on the wrong side of the fix.

The old banana in the tailpipe trick always works.

The clientele at the MGM is a cross between The Jersey Shore & Bonanza.

Team 420 Allstars team breakfast. The Hash House does NOT have the kinda hash I was looking for.

It must be white boy day.

Awake. Sportsbook suite at Palazzo. Inspected Waffles picks. Taking appropriate fading measures.

It's all about re-branding the weed. Otherwise, how would you tell the difference between these two Kushes?

I have 36 hours to clog a toilet.

Sportsbook. Watching anxious Pablo sweat NBA bet w/ Waffles trying not to enact his cooler powers. This can't be good.

You're the Pot Jesus. People just want to take your bread.

Waffles passed out in sportsbook and roused by 2 security guards.

Random blogger asked for Adderall. Gave him an Altoid w/ imprint of "A" on it. He was so wasted that he didn't notice.

You're a plague and we are the cure.

Derek amused by pornslapper who was a 85yr old woman.

Derek and I wagering on how much of mountainous Woody Allen sandwich from CarnegieDeli that Stb can finish.

Confidence is high...Lady GaGa dealertainer is a tranny. Big bulge.

Watched guy face plant in between roulette tables at IP.

How would you like to make $14 the hard way?

Is there anything better than ecstasy and generic Viagra?

Sorry, my wad is in the way.

Put it in my box please.

Buy the fucking dip you moron!

* * * * *

The Top 10 List: By the numbers . . .

10 - the # of bong hits I took per hour before I went to JFK for my flight to Las Vegas. Wake and bake is the breakfast of champions not cigarettes and donuts like you would think. Gotta cope somehow.

9 - the # of times that Stb and Pauly told a new blogger to “Buy the fucking dip!” Tell your friends.

8 - the # of times I saw Waffles cooler someone. Be afraid. Be very afraid. He’s just around the corner.

7 - the # of times we had to tell the dealer at the MGM that the O in HORSE was Omaha Hi-Low not Omaha High. The floor manager tried to tell Pablo that they were right and we were wrong because he was in town for 35 years and knew better than us. What a fucking joke! Pablo googled HORSE on his blackberry to show the floor manager that he was a fucking idiot!!

6 - the # of times per hour I was asked why I didn’t have a twitter or facebook account. Isn’t a poker blog gay enough people?

5 - the # of times I heard someone compliment GRob's hair AND his physique. His hair is legendary and now his body is rock hard.

4 - the # of times I put my face in Kat’s breasts without getting slapped. Yes I can!!! Who else is next ladies?

3- the max # of free drinks per hour that the Excalibur’s Sherwood Forest Bar would give Drizz for playing video poker. He was not pleased so he walked off in shame and donked off some money at the slots machine and craps table. Talk about a bad beat. At least he got a free Krispy Kreme donut out of it. Viva las Vegas!!

2 - the # of times Stb’s chants of “No Whammies!!” while playing a Press Your Luck Big Bucks slot machine scared a cocktail waitress walking by. Stb went on a heater and crushed that game. He cashed out up but he had to wash the old lady urine stains off his pants the next day. Those slot seats are gross.

1 - the # of times a female TSA agent grabbed my cock. I got a half boner for sure. I wonder if she licks balls too?

0 - the # of hookers that talked to me in the 4 days I was in Las Vegas. Either the casino security is getting tougher or I lost so much weight that I don’t look desperate anymore.

Smoke the herb, save the world.

Happy Holidays everyone!!!

*This post has been brought to you by my sponsors Lost Vegas, the Tao of Fear, the Matrix and Buying the Dip.

&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;br&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;

Lost Vegas Christmas Sale 15% Off

2010-11-26T16:20:00.004-05:00

Great news. After months of waiting, Lost Vegas is now available on Amazon.com! If that's where you do the bulk of your Christmas shopping, then stop by Pauly's page and pick up a copy or two.

If you would like to save $3, you can buy copies of Lost Vegas for 15% off via Lulu.com. At checkout, you use coupon code STOCKING305.

The 15% off coupon is valid through December 15th. Don't worry... the discount comes out of the publisher's pocket and Pauly gets his full cut.

Just a reminder... Lost Vegas is cooked to order, which means it's Print-On-Demand (POD). Due to high volume of orders with my publisher, I encourage you to buy the book before December 5th to ensure a Christmas deliver.

The e-book version is $10. Right now, Pauly only has PDF's available, but an ePub version will be released shortly.

Click here to buy an e-Book.

Click here to buy a copy on Amazon.

Click here to buy a copy on Lulu. Don't forget to use code STOCKING305 for 15% off.

Don't forget that Lost Vegas is on Twitter -- @LostVegasBook.

Turkey Cup 4.0

2010-11-24T16:20:00.001-05:00

The Thanksgiving Turkey Cup is tomorrow.

Everyone is invited to compete so sign up!!! Details are listed above.

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

And Go Jets!!!

Happy Halloween!

2010-10-31T00:59:00.003-04:00

Sundays with Dr. Pauly on Fantasy Sports Live is every Sunday.

If you don't have an account, you can sign up for an FSL account here. You can fund it using your credit card .... it's 100% legal in the US.

Go Jets!!!!

Dr.Pauly ....

2010-09-20T09:49:00.001-04:00

Stop by Pauly's blog and wish him a Happy Birthday!!!

And don't forgot to buy his book Lost Vegas!!!

Lost Vegas: The Redneck Riviera, Existentialist Conversations with Strippers, and the World Series of Poker.

Lost Vegas

2010-08-21T16:20:00.002-04:00

Buy Lost Vegas now!

Lost Vegas: The Redneck Riviera, Existentialist Conversations with Strippers, and the World Series of Poker.

Here's some FAQs about Lost Vegas.

Click here to buy Dr. Pauly's Lost Vegas.

George Steinbrenner & Bob Sheppard

2010-07-13T16:20:00.001-04:00

The Boss and Bob Sheppard will be missed.

RIP guys.

Lost Vegas book

2010-07-03T16:20:00.003-04:00

Lost Vegas is finally available!!!

Lost Vegas: The Redneck Riviera, Existentialist Conversations with Strippers, and the World Series of Poker.

Here's some FAQs about Lost Vegas.

Click here to buy Dr. Pauly's Lost Vegas.

WSOP Podcast

2010-06-27T16:20:00.001-04:00

2010 WSOP

Not that anyone needs any reminders but don't forget to check out Dr. Pauly's coverage of the 2010 WSOP.

Who doesn't love listening to the Tao of Pokerati ..... everyone's favorite WSOP podcast.

Catch up on the daily exploits of Pauly, Dan and Benjo NOW!!

Episode 28: World Matt Savage Tour - One of the bigger non-WSOP stories this week involved Matt Savage, who was just named Executive Tour Director of the WPT. Michalski does an amazing job kissing up to Matt in this episode.

Episode 29: Massage Girls Rubbing Massage Girls with Benjo - Pauly followed Benjo into the Poker Kitchen and noticed a couple of massage girls sitting two tables away. One of them was working on the forearm and elbow of the other.

Episode 30: Sats, Lammers, and Deep Stacks - Michalski and Pauly hang out in front of the Pavilion and discuss satellites and the introduction of a daily (non-bracelet) deep stack tournament at the Rio. They also discuss how Change100 got in trouble by security for trying to sell one of her lammers.

Episode 31: Chair Thief with Benjo - Pauly quizzes Benjo about what had been driving him nuts during the first three weeks of the WSOP. They discuss drunken railbirds stealing chairs, fruit salads belonging to the media, foul-smelling players, and "hourly restrictions" on updates.

Episode 32: Pre-PPA - Michalski tells Pauly about his upcoming dinner with the state directors of the PPA. Pauly pretends to be mildly impressed, while Michalski is more eager to eat seafood than talk politics.

Episode 33: Post-PPA - Michalski debriefs Pauly after his free swordfish dinner at Buzio's courtesy of the PPA. Based on what Michalski described, Pauly compares the batch of online poker lobbyists and politicos to The Bad News Bears.

Episode 34: Podcast About a Podcast About a Podcast - Here's a little something that you might have to consult Charlie Kaufman to help decipher this fugue. Michalski gives Pauly props for his stint on the 2+2 Pokercast last week. Meanwhile, Pauly suggests that 2+2 moderator Kevin Mathers is not an actual human being, but rather a piece of artificial intelligence created by Bill Chen.

Episode 35: French Man Kissing with Benjo - There's a real s'affrontent going on in the $10k heads-up, with Bertrand Grospellier, arguably the #1 player in France right now, battling Benjo's pal Lucovic Lacay, currently the top contender capable of dethroning him. All the excitement has the French guys on the rail madly...kissing? Benjo breaks down the questionable nature of these public displays of Euro-affection.

Episode 36: Touching Tom Senior with Benjo - DonkeyBomber's going deep in the Seniors event, but did Dan ruin his chances for a bracelet in "the oxygen" event) with some inappropriate touching? Player superstitions aside, there's some real concern about Toothless Bob, who was going into this event as the Team Pokerati favorite but may or may not have shown up to play.

Episode 37: Benjo Busting with Benjo - After weeks of watching poker, Benjo can't resist the urge to play and signs up for the $100 11 pm "brogdig" tournament. We learn first that Benjo is actually a very weak player. And then we learn he's been doing some undercover reporting at the cash tables, where he learns that the Rio occasionally has an overaggressive rake.

Episode 38: Jerry Buss's iPhone with Benjo - When LA Lakers owner Jerry Buss comes to Las Vegas to celebrate his National Championship by playing the $10k HORSE, he needs a little juice for his iPhone, which Benjo graciously supplies. He doesn't try to hawk it though, instead seeing a long-term plan complete with courtside tickets and the digits of multiple barely legal vixens.

Episode 39 - Hellmuth's Non-Hold'em Final Table - Dan happens to wander into the Rio at the exact time Phil Hellmuth advanced to the final table of the PLO/8 event. Pauly and Dan head up to the Beef Jerky lounge to get a better look at the Hellmuthian circus.

Episode 40 - Gavin Smith's Ass Crack - Pauly and Dan saunter into the Pavilion Ballroom, where they rarely hang out. During the recording of this particular episode, they're ambushed by a couple of the entities from Wicked Chops Poker. At some point, a discussion about a masseuse working on Gavin Smith's upper ass region breaks out.

Episode 41 - DonkamentBomber - Dan and Pauly keep a bird eye's view on DonkeyBomber's run during Day 2 of a donkament. They also chat about another Pokerati player -- Toothless Bob -- who was AWOL for a while at the WSOP. Dan was pleased that he was still alive after his brief disappearance.

Episode 42 - Bad Beat Bar... WTF? - Dan and Pauly hang out in the somewhat Bad Beat Bar and chat about the pros and cons of that particular (sparsely populated) spillover area in the Rio's convention center. At some point, their conversation veers off into a story about Benjo and seven Mexicans.

If you'd like to listen to more episodes of your favorite and fastest poker podcast (broadcasting live from the WSOP), then you should visit the Tao of Pokerati archives.

The Number 6 . . . .

2010-05-31T16:20:00.003-04:00

I just realized that my poker blog turned 6 years old on May 9, 2010.

Unreal.

Here's to 6 more years!

Don't forget to check out Dr. Pauly's coverage of the 2010 WSOP.

And who doesn't love listening to the Tao of Pokerati .... everyone's favorite WSOP podcast.

Episode 1: Amazon Reunion - Michalski and Pauly sneak into the Amazon Room while WSOP preparations were still being made for the 2010 WSOP.

Episode 2: Big Room - Michalski and Pauly wandered over to the Pavilion area where the satellites and cash games are currently running in addition to where most of Day 1s will be played out.

Episode 3: Pooling Resources - Michalski and Pauly take their show outdoors... to the Rio's pool.

Episode 4: Late Fees and Gunfire - Pauly gave Michalski shit for showing up late to things and for being a lazy ass uploading Tao of Pokerati episodes.

Episode 5: Lesbian Kisses (featuring Benjo) - Benjo and Pauly killed time in the press box by watching lesbian kissing videos on YouTube.

Episode 6: Universal Tech Tilt - Pauly and Michalski discuss tech issues that have been plaguing the poker media.

Episode 7: Ty Sweat - While brainstorming for future episodes of Tao of Pokerati, Pauly and Michalski encounter WSOP VP Ty Stewart.

Don't forget you can also follow Pauly on Twitter (@taopauly) for random updates throughout the day.

Save the aliens . . . buy a swimming pool

2010-04-30T16:20:00.000-04:00

I ran into Mustafa last week in the Bronx.

I was walking down the street when I saw him out of the corner of my eye.

He was smoking a blunt and shooting dice in a parking lot.

With a bunch of illegal aliens of course.

You know.

The kind that wouldn't be safe walking the streets of any town in Arizona.

I headed over to the lot to take a closer look at the action.

And to inspect everyone's papers.

Blunt papers that is.

I wanted to make sure everything was in order.

It was.

Welcome to the GDR and East Berlin.

Or the DDR as Dirk Nowitzki would say from his couch while watching the NBA playoffs on TV.

One and done is no fun.

Hell, Dirk could do that playing for the Knicks if he wanted.

Lebron James would look nice in a Knicks uniform.

That's for sure.

So I got high with Mustafa and the aliens.

Then joined in on the action.

We both won a shitload of money shooting dice that day.

The illegals walked off in shame.

Back to work for them.

What else could go wrong?

Not sure.

At least we didn't report them.

As Mustafa would say, "If you sneak in. You're in. Just ask Ben Roethlisberger."

Huh?

Mustafa then compared himself to Antonio Cromartie.

He's got 7 kids in 5 states too.

Where's Shawn Kemp when you need him?

Here's Mustafa's youngest kid "chilling out like a pimp in his ghetto swimming pool."

Time to buy a real pool bro.

I know where the financing is coming from.

But who's going to install it?

The Luck of the Irish . . .

2010-03-17T16:20:00.000-04:00

Whiskey for the leprechauns!

The bad luck of the Irish is more like it.

Potato famine!!

Here's to all the drunken Irish junkies out there.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!

RIP Dicky Stabone ....

2010-02-27T11:43:00.009-05:00

Growing Pains actor Andrew Koenig was found dead in Canada.

My favorite episode of Growing Pains was when Mike, Boner and Eddie went to that house party and everyone was doing cocaine in the bathroom.

By the way, I would love to see this guy win a World Series this year.

Afterwards, I want to party with these guys.

Too bad Kirk Cameron became a Jesus Freak.

I wonder if Mike Seaver would get a boner if he saw this pic? I did.

RIP Boner.

NY Jets

2010-01-17T20:52:00.004-05:00

I'm so pumped right now . . . .

Go Jets!!!

Subway fight and Happy Holidays . . .

2009-12-28T15:35:00.012-05:00

Pauly sent me this video of a subway fight.

Some woman gets knocked the fucked out at the 2:50 mark. Gotta love New York.

Check out Dr. Pauly's Tao of Poker 2009 Year in Review Part 1 post as well as his Year End Videos On the Road in 2009.

Have a Happy New Year everyone!!!

Las Vegas - December 2009

2009-12-16T12:27:00.005-05:00

Holiday Classic Recap

Apparently playing poker has made me a racist.

Seriously?

I profile, generalize, categorize, stereotype, size you up, make assumptions, etc. You name it, I do it. I make reads then play the odds. Good or bad.

Tiger Woods would be proud.

Really?

No doubt.

With minimal info, you have to outwit the competition any way you can.

This ability is great at the poker tables but not always in real life. It can often lead to some sort of misunderstanding. And it usually does.

It’s become a persistent behavior of mine, part of my everyday life.

Poker has made me a racist.

What should I do?

Besides fading Waffles picks that is.

They say the proof is in the pudding.

Yes, I’ve become a racist.

Or was I always one to begin with?

Elin Woods would not be proud.

Working? Not working?

Nope, not this time.

How’s the rash on your daughter’s pussy?

Definitely not.

Well, not this time anyway.

It’s something completely different as you will see.

There’s nothing too taboo.

I was standing outside the Palazzo sportsbook smoking a cigarette.

There was a blonde chick standing out front handing out discount cards/flyers to passersby. She was working on commission and was doing a piss poor job at getting people to take the free discount cards.

Here's some of the conversation we had . . .

If a group of people walk by, how many take it from you? Barely 1 in 4 I bet.

Yep. And to make matters worse, I’m not too good at this. It’s going to be a long day for sure. Hey, I see someone took your weed smoking spot over there.

That’s OK. I’ll manage.

I don’t know what to do. No one is taking the discount cards from me.

You’re not very good, huh? See those 4 black guys coming, go over to them. I’m 100% sure ALL of them will take it. They like discounts. Especially if it’s being handed out by a pretty white girl like yourself.

“That’s racist,” she says as she sprints over to the 4 black guys to hand them the discount cards.

I responded with, "I’m not a racist. I’m half Chinese, live in New York City and have tons of black friends. Latinos too. Hell, didn’t you say you’re from Oklahoma earlier? Have you even seen a black person before? Before you moved to Las Vegas?"

You have tons of black friends huh? Only a racist would say something like that after being called a racist.

They took it didn’t they? Maybe you should brush up on the triple slap maneuver instead of taking advice from a handsome racist.

Crickets.

Shit, am I a racist?

I like Tiger Woods.

Maybe I should run into the sportsbook and get Mustafa, Dawn Summers and the Rooster to prove to this chick I’m not a racist.

I’m a man of the people damnit, not a racist cracker.

Or am I?

Not sure.

One of my goals in life is to become a crazy dirty old man.

Maybe I should throw in racist pothead too.

Instead I just rolled my eyes, shook my head, put my cigarette out and started to walk back to the sportsbook.

The Archie Bunker walk of shame?

Not really.

There can be only one.

Before I could make my getaway, the blonde chick stopped me to say something.

Mustafa? Dawn Summers? Help!

So what the hell did she want now?

The blonde chick grabbed my arm and quickly whispers to me.

“So do you think those black guys will use the discount cards?"

* * * * *

Here's a video courtesy of Dr. Pauly . . .

The Challenge

After going to bed kind of early, I got up at 7am to play blackjack after clogging my third toilet and ran into ACH, Iggy and Caity at the Geisha bar.

They were on the tail end of an all night bender. ACH and Caity were closing in on 24 straight hours at the Geisha bar.

A quick question. Which is worse? Still being up at 7am after an all night bender drinking or waking up at 7am and drinking for breakfast?

I gambled on Roshambo with Iggy for money which led to him being challenged to a heads up poker match by a Drunk Canuck who had worse geography skills than an American. Viva los Canada City!!

Iggy was slightly tilted by my Roshambo play. He called me an angleshooter shortly before the Canuck arrived.

The Canuck immediately started making fun of us for gambling on our “hand signals” game.

Rocks papers scissors for our rolls?

That’s what Iggy said to the Canadian.

But this guy was a poker player. Not a gambler.

The drunk Canuck challenged Iggy for $1,000 since he was a baller who supposedly took $6,000 off someone at the Mirage.

Iggy wanted to play for $2,000 and quickly fanned out $2,000 at the bar for all to see. The female bartender got wet.

The Canuck said let’s do it but chickened out and asked to lower the stakes to $300 once ACH arranged the game in the IP poker room.

The Canuck was frightened by a midget with $2,000?

Heads up poker eh?

ACH wanted to take on the winner.

The Canuck was lucky but a decent player. He was also LOUD and drunk.

He quickly got quiet when midget Iggy mentioned he lived in Las Vegas and frequented the Loose Caboose in town.

He never touched the beer or the shot he bought.

A surly midget “from Las Vegas” will do that to anyone at the poker table.

The Loose Caboose?

The IP dealer thought that sounded like a gay bar.

Iggy says again for all to hear, “Rocks papers scissors for our rolls? The rake is gonna kill us.”

During the match, Iggy fell in love with this furry hat worn by a short Oriental man at one of the adjacent poker tables. Iggy offered the guy $10 for the hat.

He declined and asked for $50.

Soon enough, the Asian guy left his original table and sat down to play poker at ACH’s table. He looked like he was tilting too. He had just lost a pot to AlCantHang when I walked over and slammed $30 on the table.

I bought his furry hat for $30.

Sucker.

He gladly took the money and I gave the hat to Iggy.

Iggy put it on.

At the poker table, the sight of midget Iggy wearing a Bengals windbreaker jacket, hoisted up in a booster seat with a furry game worn communist winter hat would put anyone on tilt. Including the loud mouthed drunk Canuck sitting across from him.

Game on.

Iggy chopped one leg out from him.

Once again, midget Iggy says, “Rocks papers scissors for our rolls?”

Then Iggy made his fatal mistake.

He took the furry hat off.

The Canuck rallied back and felted our lovable midget.

The rake and tips took most of the Canucks profits.

Iggy challenged the guy for his entire roll. But this time he wanted to play heads up Chinese poker in his hotel room.

The IP poker room manager quickly said he would spread the game there and lower the rake.

The drunk Canuck was no longer loud and boisterous. He chickened out once again and said he had to go to bed. But not before he bought us all a drink at the bar where Iggy and I discussed Top 5 Tom Cruise movies.

We could only agree on three movies where he actually did some acting AND acted well enough to be on what Iggy called a “Tom Hanks and Brad Pitt acting level.”

Color of Money

Born on the Fourth of July

Risky Business

By this time, Pauly showed up after I texted him about the epic heads up poker match between the angry midget and drunk Canuck.

I liked Tom Cruise in Collateral and Cocktail but Iggy never saw them.

He liked Jerry Maguire but I DQ’d that since he DQ’d me on All the Right Moves. Quite ironic since a few minutes earlier he bought a pair of pink tinted Elvis sunglasses off of a hot Polish chick.

She was an authentic Polack too. Direct from Poland. I wish we could post that photo of him in the furry hat and sunglasses but midget Iggy didn’t want anyone to see the open sores on his upper lip. He thinks he got herpes during his last visit to Hilljack.

Don’t ask, don’t tell.

Taps gets an Honorable Mention though.

Don Swayze was at the bar and he disqualified us for trying to include The Outsiders. I’m sure Ralph Macchio would too. TC wasn’t the feature star in that flick.

Some drunk cowgirl tried to get us to include Days of Thunder, Far & Away and Tropic Thunder.

I smoked a pack of cigarettes in this 5 hour span (heads up poker 1 hour & Tom Cruise movies 4 hours).

I don’t even like Tom Cruise.

Stay away from those Scientology stress tests in Times Square.

Rocks papers scissors for our rolls?

The End.

Memorable Moments, Random Thoughts and the lowdown

I went to Emerils for dinner at the MGM with Pauly, Change100, Maudie and Kat. Maudie told us a great story about her being in New Orleans in 1975. My penis is still hard.

I ate too much food on this trip. Wynn Buffet, Kobe beef burgers at the Burger Bar, gigantic double cheeseburger with mash potatoes and bacon stuffed in between at the Hash House, and a Ribeye steak at Emeril’s. I think I broke my personal best “shitting record” on this trip. I lost count at 10. Unfortunately, I’m pretty sure I got the short end of the food consumption/defecation ratio. My pants are a little tight and my ass is still sore today. Viva Las Vegas!

Why do I keep thinking the Cracked Egg is called the Frosty Nipple??

Iggy was minding his own business when he got hit on by a female bartender. She didn’t have her daughter with her but her tits were HUGE. Iggy needs to have his own Bang Bros fetish site. Midget porn is the new facial fest.

I clogged several toilets this trip. My room at the IP suffered three cloggings. Derek 3, IP toilets 0.

Pai Gow TILT.

I was super bummed to not see G-Money, sweet sweet Gracie & Pablo, Human Head & Mrs. Head, Grubby, Bobby Bracelet, BG, Daddy, Jaxia, Donkeypuncher, Mr. & Mrs. Spaceman, GCox, et al. I wish they all came out to Las Vegas this year. You were all missed.

Last year, I bought Patrick Swayze a drink at the IP’s Geisha bar. This year, Don Swayze bought me and Steven Spielberg a drink. I love it. Who else can claim that?

It’s not a party until someone breaks something or mentions Dick Bro by name.

I was pretty bummed about not getting to play Working or Not Working with G-Money? Until next year bro. Get your bitch ass to the Casino Royale damnit!!

Drizz and Betty Underground each rubbed a $500 casino chip on my nipple. When Betty went to do it, my nipple got hard.

Some homeless guy tried to ask Stb for money while I smoked a cigarette on the strip. His approach was horrible. He started with, “What happened to the Cowboys and Tony Romo? They blew it today.”

I clogged the IP public restroom while listening to the Deal-a-tainers in the background. Derek 4, IP toilets 0.

I refused to eat at Outback without GMoney.

Mustafa was a big winner at craps, blackjack, Let it Ride and Roshambo. He spent a lot of his winnings on lap dances and hookers though. Holla!!

Marty said he’s starting a Let it Ride blog and he’s going pro.

Iggy cleaned up in roshambo but his kryptonite is Mustafa and big breasted bartenders.

Iggy called me an angle shooter at roshambo and confiscated my wager.

Mustafa admitted to me that he rolled a hooker. Holla!!

Great starting table during the tourney. I sat with Carmen, Pebbles, Drizz, LJ, Dan Michalski, Special K, Jeff, Ross and Dr. Chako’s wife.

During the Caesar’s blogger tourney, I busted Drizz and Pebbles. I always have AA. Ship it!!

I busted out of the tourney midway through after building a huge stack. I suck. At least my last longer team placed 3rd and won $144. Go Team Tao of Pot!! HammerGirls = 2nd. Team Roach wins.

Tradition: Drinking at the Geisha bar and the MGM sports book.

Rule #20.

No trips to the strip club for me. Sorry PKPNF but I just couldn’t support the local economy and single moms this time. Mustafa hit them up a few times though. Holla!!

The porn slappers are back!

The IP hooker bar was cleaned out . . . until Sunday that is. Thank you Jesus!!

I envy GROB’s hair. Who doesn’t really?

“Drunk Otis falls” is replaced by “Drunk Otis passes out.”

I hung out with Speaker’s girlfriend Emet while she bet on the ponies. She spotted Pete Rose aka Charlie Hustle sitting in one of the horse racing cubicles gambling on the ponies. Who needs the Hall of Fame!

Mustafa hustled a few cowboys and cowgirls for their rolls. Never shoot dice with an ex-con.

The Wynn buffet rocks. I ate a shitload of food there with Pauly and Change100. The bread pudding rules!

I clogged two toilets at the MGM. Derek 2, MGM toilets 0.

No keno tips this year from Professional Keno Player Neil Fontenot. Booo!!

Sore loser no more. Stb handled the Dallas Cowboys loss and the ribbing pretty well.

Getting another chance to be in the presence of Sir AlCan'tHang. Truly honored.

Sports book Sunday rocked.

Ass grabbing & boob grabbing. Thanks Kat!!

Chaka no like sleep.

12 packs of cigarettes in 5 days. Dirty dozen.

Chaka no like crystal meth.

Nice catch trout.

I was pumped to see ACH & Joe Speaker make the final table.

Bloody P to the rescue!!

I was cold decked in almost every table game I played. Or maybe I’m just a horrible gambler? Roshambo anyone?

J-E-T-S . . . Jets. Jets, Jets!!

The hookers love Mustafa. Holla!!!

Johnny Wall can play ball. No doubt.

GRob lives! I haven’t seen that guy in decades.

The IP now has beer pong just like O'Sheas.

Travis = gigli.

No back to back. The Defending champ Maigrey did well but Astin took it down this year after beating ACH heads up. Congrats to Astin and ACH!

During the final table, ACH would say several times, “Will someone bust the drunk guy already.” Joe Speaker would later say he thought ACH was talking about Joe and not himself.

Obie is a pool hustler!

Elevator betting with Pauly!

Garth and his girlfriend cleaned up at the sportsbook (see pic of me begging Gretchen for tips on the afternoon games).

Bartender at the Geisha bar unscrewed the 2nd bottle of SoCo for us within the first hour of ACH’s arrival.

I invaded a Pai Gow table w/ Pauly, ACH, and Stb.

I ate dinner at the Burger Bar with ACH, Pauly, Change100, and Maudie. Love the Kobe beef burgers and milk shakes.

I crashed early on Thursday and missed all the late night hijinks at the IP bar when Iggy and G-Vegas arrived. Booo!!

Not too many whores or working girls at the Geisha bar this year.

Who doesn’t love Waffles when he’s drunk?

Happy Birthday to Jordan!

Where’s ACH?

The Rooster got 86’d from 2 casinos in one night: the MGM and Green Valley. Is that a new record for bloggers?

ACH, F-Train, Obie, Change100 . . . anyone else make the final table more than once? I know they have.

Fade Waffles picks damnit.

Happy Hanukah to all my Jewish friends!

Pacman, Ms. Pacman and Galaga!

The private skybox at Emeril Lagasse's Stadium/Sportsbook at the Palazzo rocked. We had a huge room with a pool table, four TVs, and a video game machine.

The Bengals killed my parlay.

Great late night conversations with ACH, Iggy, Joe Speaker and Dr. Pauly.

Crab cakes, pizza and Stromboli . . . ship it!

A Las Vegas casino got robbed of $1mil the morning I left town?

Favorite Quotes & Tweets

The best thing about foie gras? You can taste the fear.

Buffalo with seared foie gras for dinner equals my "Suck it PETA" Burger

Get out, Dawn. It's not because you're black, it's because you're a Patriots fan.

"I hate it when a woman is bad at sex and uses too much teeth when she blows you." – SirWaffles

The clientele at the MGM is a cross between The Jersey Shore & Bonanza.

Iggy playing Roshambo w/ bartender... and lost... again. Waffles passed out at Geisha Bar... again.

Tao of Pot team breakfast. The Hash House does NOT have the kinda hash I was looking for.

Waffles trying to pick up cowgirls. Funny & sad. Like when a circus clown dies.

"Fuuuuck. Waffles bet on the Bengals? Shit." - dejected Derek staring at his Bengals betting slip.

OMG. Mischa Barton sighting at the IP. She's's slumming it & obviously looking for blow.

I'm not arrogant... I'm just shy.

Epic rock paper scissors. $100 a throw.

Derek clogged his toilet for the third time. He just ordered a Heineken.

That's a first. Entire poker table has been cut off (at MGM).

I took $300 from that cracker IGGY at Roshambo. gonna blow it @ rub n tug. Holla!

In Vegas. Met AlCantHang. He’s one crazy ass cracker. I like that guy. Remy Red versus Soco. Let the partying begin. Holla!!!

Current discussion at the MGM mermaid bar -- how do mermaids have sex?

Up and at em. Heading to the MGM for shenanigans. Only slightly wounded after epic first nite.

My third kid Potsie is pissed about his name. But I named all my kids after characters from 70's and 80’s sitcoms.

The Top 5 List: By the numbers . . .

5 – the # of bloggers that got hustled by Mustafa in a prop bet. Take that you crackers!

4 – the # of tricks I saw a working girl turn within 45 minutes. It was on a Sunday night too. I heard she also turns water into wine for an extra $200.

3 - the # of college girls I saw get mistaken for hookers at the IP Geisha bar. It always starts out with a misunderstanding doesn’t it?

2 – the # of times per hour I was asked why I didn’t have a twitter or facebook account. Isn’t a poker blog gay enough?

1 - the # of times I overheard a working girl tell her co-worker that she can’t believe nobody is buying pussy tonight. Later on, I saw her shooting dice with Mustafa around the corner from O’Sheas. I love Las Vegas.

That's a short video I took at O'Sheas before security busted me. Mustafa took on a couple of crackers at Guitar Hero for money.

*This post has been brought to you by my sponsors Archie Bunker, the Plumbers Union & PETA.

Heading to Las Vegas . . . .

2009-12-07T21:40:00.002-05:00

This photo was taken December 2006.

Turkey Cup

2009-11-22T20:30:00.003-05:00

The Thanksgiving Turkey Cup is coming.

Snailtrax is the defending champ.

Check the Private tourney tab on PokerStars.

Turkey Cup begins at 9pm ET on Thanksgiving night.

Everyone is invited so sign up!!

World Series Champs

2009-11-05T00:31:00.003-05:00

Go Yankees!!!

Mr. MVP's wife . . .

Strike!

2009-10-16T18:09:00.015-04:00

A few weeks ago Mustafa asked if The Rooster and I would join him out for a night on the town.

We did.

We got real wasted.

Then shot some dice for money.

I lost bad.

The Rooster and Mustafa are cagey mofos.

We lost Mustafa for a few minutes. He got caught up in some rally in the Bronx.

After we found him, we hung out in a local college bar where Mustafa sexually harassed a few chicks.

The night ended when we watched a guy in a wheelchair puke on himself after downing a shot of whiskey.

Yep, just another Friday night in NYC.

RIP Patrick Swayze

2009-09-14T22:47:00.009-04:00

He lived a good life.

Yankee Stadium

2009-08-30T18:38:00.008-04:00

I'm a cooler for the Yanks.

Make it 0-3.

Considering the Yanks are 45-20 at the new stadium, that 0-3 mark hurts.

Here's some pics that Pauly took at the game on Tuesday against the Rangers.

Check out more of Pauly's new Yankee Stadium photos.

Go Yanks!!!

Saturday with Dr. Pauly . . . .

2009-07-24T21:09:00.003-04:00

There's a special one time only tournament for this Saturday.

Sign up!!

Sweep . . .

2009-06-28T23:53:00.005-04:00

Mo Rivera is the baddest mofo out there.

He just got his 500th career save and his first career RBI in the same night.

And the Mets got swept in the process.

K-Rod sucks!! Bases loaded walk??

Can I get a witness??

There are cheap seats . . .

2009-06-16T21:53:00.009-04:00

I went to the new Yankee Stadium last month.

Twice.

Very nice.

The upper deck seats are affordable and you won't get vertigo.

The Mohegan Sun bar = ripoff. You gotta pay to get in and you can't do it at the door. You must have a pre-purchased ticket to enter and it ain't cheap. The view out there from center field is cool but not really worth it.

And yes, the restrooms rock. Lots of them and very spacious.

Unfortunately, the Yanks went 0-2 at the games I attended.

May 9, 2009 = 5 years old

2009-05-15T00:23:00.004-04:00

I can't believe I missed it but my blog turned 5 years old on May 9th.

Holy smokes.

That's 5 years of playing online poker and ripping bong hits at the same time.

Sweet.

Kudos to the Human Head for this video. I suspected as much for years.

Human Head Thinks Big.

Sci Fi Poker?

2009-04-11T16:20:00.004-04:00

This makes me laugh every time I watch it.

This old promo is for Maudie.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

2009-03-17T16:19:00.000-04:00

Can I smoke this?

How about this?

Would you smoke this?

How about this?

I'm going to smoke this.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Random List of 3's . . .

2009-02-22T16:36:00.001-05:00

Top 3 Public Pissing Incidents

1. In the stairwell next to a shut down NYC poker room. Bobby Bracelet was there too and I think there were security cameras watching us.
2. Next to a Key West mailbox on Duvall Street with Grubby acting as my look out.
3. In a phone booth outside the Blue Parrot.

Top 3 Places to chat up Casino Hookers

1. By the Taj Mahal poker room.
2. MGM slot machines near Zuri lounge.
3. At the IP Geisha bar.

Top 3 Toilet Clogging Incidents

1. At Badblood’s house in G-Vegas. I embarrassingly had to ask his wife for assistance.
2. At a Key West hotel toilet. I was sharing a room with The Rooster.
3. At Red Rock Casino. I was sharing a room with Change100 and Dr. Pauly.

Top 3 Public Puking Incidents

1. On Landow’s lawn during the 2004 Bash.
2. On Otis' lawn during the 2005 Brad-O-Ween.
3. In a Parking lot the day before the 2005 Bash. Big Mike acted as lookout. People in the diner claimed I was so loud that they heard me blowing chunks.

The Last 3 Things I Saw People Reading on Subway

1. Comic book
2. Religious pamphlet
3. Gossip Magazine

3 Things you might not know about me

1. I sell product liability insurance to the porn industry and dildo companies.
2. I like to slow play the hammer.
3. I too juiced on Boli from 2001 to 2003. But that was before the poker boom. I swear.

My 3 All-time Favorite Latinas

1. Jennifer Lopez before she became J-Lo.
2. Eva Mendes.
3. Charro.

My 3 Favorite Las Vegas Poker Rooms

1. The Wynn
2. MGM
3. The Venetian

My 3 Favorite East Coast Poker Rooms

1. The Borgata
2. Taj Mahal
3. Foxwoods

My 3 All-time Favorite Midgets

1. Iggy
2. Tattoo aka Herve Villechaize
3. Mini-Me

Mustafa’s 3 Favorite TV shows

1. White Shadow
2. What's Happening!!
3. The Jeffersons

My 3 Most Awkward Boners . . . to date

1. During my 5th grade oral presentation on Isaac Newton.
2. On a packed subway during rush hour. I poked several girls. Surprisingly most smiled.
3. During a Proctology exam. Thank goodness the doctor was a cute Latina with small hands.

The Top 3 "Not all the way Black" List presented by Gary Sheffield and Mustafa

1. Derek Jeter
2. Barack Obama
3. Halle Berry

Mustafa's Top 3 Celebrity Crackers in NYC

1. David Lee
2. Nick Mangold
3. Henrik Lundqvist

Top 3 Bang Bros Sites

1. Bang Bus
2. Fuck Team Five
3. Backroom MILF

Mustafa's 3 Favorite Pimps

1. Hugh Heffner
2. The Rooster
3. Ricardo Montalban

My 3 Favorite poker hands

1. A-A
2. K-K
3. 9-7 offsuit

AVN Adult Entertainment

2009-01-11T14:25:00.013-05:00

Thank you Jesus!

It's that time of the year again.

It's Porn Expo time in Las Vegas.

Angelina Valentine photo by flipchip • lasvegasvegas.com

Flipchip is covering the AVN Adult Entertainment Expo in Las Vegas. What a lucky man. He's got some pretty sweet photos of porn stars and strippers.

Go check it out.

Day 1 pics

Day 2 pics

Day 3 pics

Adrenalynn photo by flipchip • lasvegasvegas.com

Thank you Flipchip!

And Happy New Year everyone!!!

Merry Christmas . . . .

2008-12-24T19:18:00.002-05:00

I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!

Las Vegas - December 2008

2008-12-21T02:58:00.002-05:00

Holiday Classic Recap

It started with economic problems.

Then the invasion began.

The response was guerrilla warfare.

The site was a small town in the western part of the United States.

It was a late fall/early winter morning when it first happened. Long before the snow would arrive.

Their lives were interrupted by an invasion of cowboys in the empty fields behind the local high schools and casinos.

I believe it was their paratrooper unit.

As the cowboys began their attack, a small group of bloggers obtained weapons and supplies then fled to the nearby mountains.

After hiding out for awhile, they would return looking for news. Any news.

They were joined by two females, possibly Canadians.

One cougar. Plus her daughter.

Legend has it that the cougar’s family once gave those same bloggers sanctuary from the enemy.

Who were these guys that needed sanctuary? And why?

Well, their leader was a man who looked a lot like Travis Tritt. He started a resistance against the cowboys and their occupation forces.

So what if they were out-numbered and out-gunned. They could pull it off.

At least the working girls were secretly on their side. Allies you could say.

Finally, the decision was made.

They went in to town for a closer look but the streets were empty.

The occupation forces rounded up all the citizens and tourists.

The town was dead. A ghost town even.

But you could still hear the cry of the Resistance . . . . . . "Wolverines!!"

Or at least that was what I told the bartender at the IP’s Geisha bar.

What happened next?

I decided to buy some guy at the end of the bar a beer.

I said, “Hey bartender. I want to buy Patrick Swayze a beer. See him down there. Go get him a Budweiser and tell him I’m a huge fan. Thanks bro.”

The bartender thought I was crazy. He said, “That sounds like Red Dawn. I love that movie. But that guy over there looks more like Gilligan after a 3 hour tour. No way that’s Patrick Swayze.”

I got two thumbs up for that move.

Over time, the bloggers were joined by a downed fighter pilot named Lt. Colonel Human Head. He was far better suited to instruct the group on ways to defeat the enemy.

He was well versed in formal military tactics after all. And they would need it against the cowboys.

Eventually, the bloggers would make a foray into the war's front lines …. the local hooker bars and gaming tables.

A few more joined the resistance. An Australian, more Canadians, two suit wearing metro-sexuals, a professional keno player, a bunch of pot smokers, some Viagra junkies, a former member of an East Coast think tank, horny newlyweds, a Soco-ologist, a Doctor, a demolition expert called Maudie, a slot addicted brother/sister tandem, a former gang leader known as G-Money, Danny Gans, a cagey Mexican, five midgets and a sore loser were all recruited.

They were well trained and ready to go. But it didn’t matter.

There were way too many cowboys. And there wasn’t enough time.

There were no answers to be found. No one knew anything.

Or so they said.

Luckily, the bloggers were able to discover a few important things along the way.

I’ll name a few.

Times are tough.

Pimpin’ ain’t easy.

Professional Keno Player Neil Fontenot is a hustler and an angle shooter.

She can’t be a cougar if you’re older than her.

Always keep your head down but your eyes open.

The enemy is everywhere.

And always wear a rubber.

The battle may be lost but the war still rages on.

I thought this was supposed to be a story about gambling, bloggers, cowboys, working girls and a wedding?

Sounds more like World War III or Armageddon.

Will the morale be eroded as the war of attrition takes its toll on their numbers?

Could they successfully escape to the Free American territory?

The chair is against the wall.

I repeat. The chair is against the wall.

Shit, I lost a lot of money playing blackjack at the MGM and IP.

But I don’t care.

Do you want to know why?

I got to buy Patrick Swayze a few drinks. He was great in Red Dawn and Youngblood.

Wolverines!!!!!!!

* * * * *

Memorable Moments, Random Thoughts and the lowdown

As per my usual pre-flight routine, I woke up at 5am for my 11am flight so I could get high. That’s taking dedication to a new level. Wake and bake!

Our cab driver said that Danny Gans was a bad Jew because he saw him eating a pork chop at the Mirage plus he never goes to the synagogue. Our driver was Israeli and seemed kind of ticked at Danny Gans.

The working girls like to make their last stop of the night at the MGM. You can get sloppy lasts between 5am to 7am if you want it. Stop by the area near the Zuri Lounge.

They cut down on porn slappers in Las Vegas. It doesn’t seem the same without all those triple slappers lined up and down the strip. The economy must be hurting if porn is taking a hit.

The MGM has great beds.

Iggy was minding his own business when he got hit on by some cougar. She had her 21 year old daughter with her. Is it me or does this sound like the preamble to a Bang Bros porn video?

The IP hooker bar still rules.

The Wynn buffet rocks. I ate a shitload of food there with Pauly, Change100, Poker Prof and Flipchip. The bread pudding there is awesome!

During the Venetian tourney, I busted F Train, April and Grubby. I put a vicious beat on Grubby too. I also re-sucked the case Queen against F Train. Ship it!

Viva la weddings!

Hookers at the IP Geisha bar were passive aggressive yet loose tight.

Is there anything better than playing Working or Not Working with G-Money? Get your bitch ass to the Casino Royale damnit!!

Sweet sweet Pablo and Sweet sweet Gracie rule!!

I had a great meal at MGM’s Craftsteak. I got to sit next to Badblood again and everyone had the tasting menu. We all ate a ton of Kobe beef. I took a crap the next day and I think my shit had 10 pounds of Kobe beef in it. Viva la Wagyu!

I clogged a toilet at the IP while listening to the Deal-a-tainers in the background.

What’s up with the Joey Buttafucco pants at the crab leg bar? The guy also had a t-shirt that said, "I fish naked."

Blackjack sucks.

I got some great keno tips from Professional Keno Player Neil Fontenot.

It was great meeting new people like Dredful, Pirate Lawyer and OhCaptain.

It was great partying with Human Head. I haven’t seen that mofo in a long time. Good times as per usual. I really wish Mrs. Head could’ve made the trip though!!!

Where the hell was Jaxia? And Daddy? And GCox? And Otis? And Johnny Hughes for that matter? I wish they came too. You were all missed.

Tao of Poker/Keno-rati . . . . nuff said.

Viva los Grubby y Grubette.

Getting another chance to be in the presence of Sir AlCan'tHang and Big Mike. Truly honored.

Derek 2, Grubette 2

Two words: Mean Gene

Aussie Aussie Aussie . . . Garth, Garth, Garth.

All night benders.

Congrats to Schecky and Jen Leo on their new kid!

I’m still not sure why I’m only allowed to do # 1 in Change100's toilet.

Some homeless guy tried to crash Gracie’s wedding. He heard about the wedding cake and herbal supplements.

Some guy thought Donkey Puncher was our chauffer because he was wearing a suit.

Blackjack TILT.

Sports book Sunday.

Great starting table during the tourney. I sat with CK, Byron, Grubby, Grubette, Iggy, F-Train, Obie. I later got moved to Change100, Maigrey, THG, and BuddyDank’s table.

Tradition: Drinking at the Geisha bar and the MGM sports book.

Rule #20.

Iggy is one cagey mofo at the poker tables. He called the clock on me after 5 seconds. I waited out the 59 seconds before I folded. Did you know he’s also the 8th best poker player in Latin America?

Two words I didn’t think I would hear this trip but did: Dick Bro. Thanks Betty!!

Ass grabbing.

Boob grabbing

Chaka no like sleep.

12 packs of cigarettes in 5 days. Dirty dozen fo sure.

Sore loser.

Chaka no like crystal meth.

Nice catch trout.

ABC. Always. Be. Closing.

Bet the receipt numbers.

There’s a beer bust at the moon tower.

Diesel + G 13 + Swiss Cheese = Heaven

4 inches of snow in Vegas? Sick.

Pablo crushed the craps table. Supposedly drunk frat boys were chanting his name "Pablo! Pablo! Pablo!"

I was cold decked in almost every table game I played. Or maybe I’m just a horrible gambler? Roshambo anyone?

No trips to the Rhino for me. I wish I stayed another day so I could’ve gone to the strip club with Badblood and Professional Keno Player Neil Fontenot. As PKPNF would say, “You gotta support the local economy and single moms.”

I crushed another steak at Outback. Iggy almost ordered off the Joey Menu. Grilled Cheese-A-Roo!

There was a naked fat guy on the terrace at the IP. GMoney thought he was sunning his penis.

Apparently, Shaun Ellis smokes weed and scores touchdowns.

I overslept on Sunday and missed some of the NFL games.

I slept about 3 hours a night.

The hookers love Professional Keno Player Neil Fontenot.

I took a lot of joy in seeing how pissed Dan Michalski was after Professional Keno Player Neil Fontenot busted him from the Venetian tournament. Dan limped in and played like a pussy so Neil had to bust him.

I got to see some great pics of Human Head’s baby.

Pauly won some money tossing tomatoes off GMoney’s balcony at the IP. Ship it!

Pauly and I almost took on some frat boys in beer pong over at O'Sheas.

I told a working girl that my name was Dan Michalski. She didn’t believe me. Dan must already have her cell number.

I busted out of the tourney around 30th after building a big stack early. I suck.

I almost went all day Saturday without eating.

Maudie = gigli.

No back to back. The Defending champ The Rooster went out 2nd.

Congrats to Maigrey for bouncing back after the floor staff almost fucked her proper. Bad call on their part for making her sit out an orbit when the dealer fucked up. She got screwed but rallied back to make the final table. She eventually beat Obie heads up to win the tourney. Feel her hammer!!!

Congrats to Mr. and Mrs. Pablo!

The party bus that took us to the chapel ruled. We drank Soco out of champagne glasses. Anyone have any OxyContin?

I heard a hooker had to pay Professional Keno Player Neil Fontenot money after they had sex. Never roll dice with PKPNF.

Garth kicked butt in the Hard Rock charity tourney . . . congrats on the 4th place finish!

Pauly said that Marty saw a blind women in the men’s room. He thinks she was confused but Pauly says Marty was probably in the wrong restroom.

ACH busted Tiffany Michelle during the Hard Rock charity tourney. French fries anyone?

I crushed an In & Out burger while Professional Keno Player Neil Fontenot shot dice in the parking lot with some cowboys and a homeless guy.

Pauly tried to use a bogus hip flexor story to secure a Vicodin prescription from Dr. Jeff. He was quickly denied.

Grubby got a text message from some stripper he fingered at the Rhino? Holy smokes Batman! There was a squirting incident last year, now there’s a fingering one? What’s gonna happen next year?

At one point Iggy was stuck over $600 in roshambo. Professional Keno Player Neil Fontenot won $100 from him.

Pauly coolered me at the MGM blackjack tables while he brought Pablo some good luck. Booo!!

I ate Maudie’s bacon then I tweeted her twat. Or is that twatted her tweet?

CC in the NYC!!

Professional Keno Player Neil Fontenot busted out in 52nd place of the blogger tourney. He sat at table 14, seat 9. He later played those numbers at keno and won $1500.

I learned a lot of important lessons on both life and keno from Professional Keno Player Neil Fontenot.

Pablo stiffed Human Head. After listening to Pablo's bad beat story, Head demanded his money but Pablo wouldn’t pay up and just walked away.

Cocaine in a can baby!

It’s not Neil Fontenot. It’s Neil Fonte-YEAH!

* * * * *

Favorite Quotes

No meth, no keno secrets sucka.

Is there anything better than ecstasy and generic Viagra?

The reason I don't watch TV, is because I did so much meth that I took apart my TV.

Did you get that hooker? It's a moot point because I'm over my ATM withdrawl limit for the day.

How would you like to make $14 the hard way?

Hey boys and girls, if you aren’t wasted then your day is.

Where’s Joo the Pai Gow dealer?

Your blog is my homepage.

What’s with The Rooster wearing a Cosby sweater?

Coffee is for closers like Professional Keno Player Neil Fontenot.

You’ve been Keno’d sucka.

I think it’s much harder to identify the hoes than the hookers.

Look at all those losers walking the strip!

Iggy to everyone: “Bobby Bracelet got raped at the roulette table. Is he going to play blackjack now?” Elizabeth to Iggy: "No, he’s going to the ATM."

* * * * *

Great pickup lines to use while in Las Vegas

1. Hey baby, up late or up early?
2. Nice shoes . . . wanna fuck?
3. Hi, I’m Dan but you can call me Friday.
4. I have $300 in my pocket with your name on it.

* * * * *

Favorite PKPNF tweets

1. I woke up this morning and donkeypuncher was laying next to me. weird thing was he was still in his suit and hair was perfect. my butt hurts.
2. the rooster comes up to me and brags about getting some girl's #. upon closer inspection its a card for his next dentist appt.

* * * * *

The Top 15 List: By the numbers . . .

15 - the # of bong hits I took before I went to JFK for my flight to Las Vegas. Wake and bake is the breakfast of champions not cigarettes and donuts.
14 - the # of times I called Stb a "sore loser." That joke will never get old.
13 - the # of times Dan Michalski said something gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
12 – the # of Pai Gow hands I played before I swore off it for the rest of the trip. Pai Gow TILT.
11 - the # of times a dealer caught 21 on me when I had 19 or 20 dealt to me.
10 - the # of bad beats I heard without collecting a $1. And that was only during the first break of the Venetian tourney.
9 – the # of times someone asked me if I had a myspace or facebook page. Isn’t a poker blog gay enough?
8 – the # of times I dropped the kids off at the pool during this trip. One of the pools was in Change100’s room at the MGM. Just kidding. Or am I?
7 – the # of hookers that propositioned me in 5 days. 14 of them hit on me last year. I blame it on downsizing.
6 – the # of bloggers that got keno’d by PKPNF during this trip. From Roshambo to Poker to Dice to Keno. He’s got an edge in every game suckas!
5 - the # of times I heard someone compliment GRob's hair. It’s legendary and silky smooth.
4 - the # of times I saw the sun rise in Las Vegas during this trip. The economy is so rough, even the hookers are still up when the sun comes out. Longer work days and less money. That kind of sounds like my job.
3 - the # of times Dan Michalski snuck a peek at Pauly’s junk during a piss break. Why do I get the feeling this was not the first time?
2 - the # of female asses I grabbed without getting slapped. Yes we can!!!
1 - the # of times I overheard a working girl tell her pimp that the Zuri lounge was beat and no one had any cheddar to throw around. She said she was bouncing but I saw her later on at the craps table throwing dice. I love Las Vegas.

* * * * *

Tao of Pokerati or Tao of Kenorati?

Pauly and Dan Michalski taped some new episodes of Tao of Pokerati.

Special guests include myself, MeanGene, the Human Head, and Professional Keno Player Neil Fontenot.

Episode 6.1: Gathering of the Geeks (2:31)
Pauly's description: Recorded at the sportsbook bar at MGM. Derek makes his first appearance, while Michalski and Professional Keno Player Neil Fontenot get off to a rough start.

Episode 6.2: Hooker by Numbers, 1-2-3 (3:52)
Pauly's description: Recorded at the sportsbook bar at MGM. Michalski shares a hooker story. Featuring Derek and MeanGene.

Episode 6.3: Hookers, Keno, and Meth (2:27)
Pauly's description: Recorded in my suite at the MGM. PKPNF talks about his initial experiences with poker bloggers.

Episode 6.4: Crushed Venetian Dreams (2:19)
Pauly's description: Recorded at the Venetian... mostly in the mens room. Michalski followed me in and we recorded most of this episode at the urinal during one of the breaks in the blogger tournament. Yes, he snuck a peek at my junk.

Episode 6.5: Keno'ed Address (1:41)
Pauly's description: Recorded at the Venetian soprtsbook bar. PKPNF explains how he busted Michalski. The word "pussy" is used to describe his play.

Episode 6.6: Hooker Q&A (feat. "Valerie") (2:40)
Pauly's description: Recorded at the MGM. Michalksi and I described the late night scene at the MGM when we were interrupted by not one but two hookers.

Episode 6.7: Existentialist Hooker Theater 3000 (3:39)
Pauly's description: Recorded at the Zuri lounge in the MGM. Derek and the Human Head are back with some observations of the late night hooker scene.

Episode 6.8: Hooker and Muthafugger Buffet! (3:05)
Pauly's description: Recorded at the Zuri lounge in the MGM. Derek and the Human Head discuss even more observations of the late night hooker scene.

If you want to listen to older episodes, please visit the Tao of Pokerati archives.

* * * * *

Thanks to Falstaff for organizing the Venetian tournament.

Congrats again to Gracie and Pablo!!!

Until next time . . . .

*This post has been brought to you by my sponsor Professional Keno Player Neil Fontenot

WBCOOP on PokerStars

2008-12-04T21:55:00.000-05:00

I have registered to play in the PokerStars World Blogger Championship of Online Poker!

All bloggers can play in this exclusive online poker tournament.

Registration code: 122441

Turkey Cup

2008-11-25T20:50:00.006-05:00

If you have nothing to do later in the evening on Thanksgiving, you might as well try to knock this little guy off his mountain top . . . . .

Viva la Turkey Cup!

Hooker stories? Yes please.

2008-11-17T20:45:00.006-05:00

Who doesn't love a good hooker story?

I know I love them.

I'm definitely digging Pauly's latest hooker bar piece, especially since Otis makes an appearance in it.

Existentialist Conversations with Hookers: Maelstrom at the Hooker Bar.

Check it out and don't forget about Saturday's tourney . . . .

Happy Halloween!

2008-10-31T00:00:00.002-04:00

Recently, my poker game reminds me of something a family member once said to me 10 years ago.

It happened on Halloween too.

What could that be?

Well, it made me laugh.

He said, "It's never too early to settle for a job or a life you don't like."

Yes, it has been officially confirmed.

And I don't like it.

When it comes to poker . . . . I am a sore loser.

* * * * * *

I wasn't sure if anyone knew this but Sweet Sweet Gracie and Sweet Sweet Pablo rule!

Borgata

2008-09-07T20:30:00.012-04:00

This is straight from Pauly's twitter. It pretty much sums up my recent trip to the Borgata.

derek is hammered. he tried to go shot for shot w. alcanthang over 4 hours. al looks normal. derek? shitfaced! 02:54 PM September 05, 2008 from txt

wow.... derek was right. eskimo clark in the house. confirmed eskimo sighting at the borgata. save the eskimo. save the world. 09:43 AM September 05, 2008 from txt

crushing the borgata buffet w. derek & the rooster. 08:17 AM September 05, 2008 from txt

* * * * *

Besides Pauly, I got to hang out with Friedman alot.

I spent a few hours with AlCan'tHang, The Rooster and Riggstad too.

The Rooster and I saw a smokin' hot chick crush the craps table. She had next to nothing on and it was only 11am. Working or not working?

Late one night, Pauly and I got a drunken phone call from Daddy. He was on speaker phone and it was hilarious.

Surprisingly, I also got a drunken phone call from Deng Dong.

Then I met Lacey Jones. We touched twice. Nuff said.

Photo courtesy of Flipchip

Mr. Baseball . . . .

2008-08-17T14:01:00.002-04:00

I saw this on ESPN's website and laughed.

But what about Jack Elliot? I heard he led the league in 2 out doubles after the 7th inning.

All-time baseball movie batting leaders

1. Kelly Leak, Chico's Bail Bonds, .665
2. Roy Hobbs, New York Knights, .422
3. Crash Davis, Durham Bulls, .398
4. Dottie Hinson, Rockford Peaches, .377
5. Willie Mays Hayes, Cleveland Indians, .356

Los Angeles . . .

2008-08-13T18:18:00.029-04:00

King for a Day

I had a pretty good time in LA with Pauly and Change100. I went to two baseball games and ate a shitload of food.

The smoke was pretty dam good too. Swiss Cheese and LA Confidential are goot.

I got slightly sun burned at the Yankees/Angels game. I loved how the Yankee fans were louder than the Angels fans. Well, until that damn rally monkey came out.

I hate that fucking thing. And I do mean hate.

The little rally monkey movie productions on the scoreboard are horribly annoying.

Anaheim stadium was very smoker friendly though.

The food situation was pretty well set up too from a vending standpoint.

Loved the air conditioning in the hallways between the restrooms and food court.

The Angels have a very damn good team. And Vlad Guerrero is still a beast. Tori Hunter too.

I sent a text message to Mustafa shortly after we arrived at the ballpark.

It said, "The Angels have 5 black players in their starting lineup today. Gary Sheffield would approve. Holla!"

Great seats at both games. Very similar spots too. Got to see some great plays by left fielders including Garrett Anderson and Xavier Nady.

And of course, there was Manny Ramirez.

He was made for LA.

Dodger Stadium was much nicer than I thought it would be. Seating layout was much better on the field level than at Anaheim.

After getting burned at the Angels game, I now know why the Dodgers have those gay yellow seats.

I crushed two Dodger dogs in honor of Snailtrax.

High end beer and ice cream in one line? Awesome.

The Sausage Haus at Anaheim made some nice money off of me.

Though, I should've eaten at the outdoor grill. The food out there was of the Snailtrax proportion.

Cheap smokes rule.

Huevos O'Groats, homemade tortillas made from their biscuits. Nuff said.

Ate a great BBQ courtesy of Pauly and Change100.

Unfortunately I did not clog a toilet during this trip. And it was not for lack of effort.

I mistakenly used a decorative soap at Change100's parent's house. Not once but three times. I should've known something wasn't right when the soap looked like it belonged to Andre the Giant. That was definitely a bar of soap that could wash his ass properly.

Where was the Five Towns billboard?

The Pann Diner. That toilet bowl that John Travolta shits in when the diner is getting robbed in Pulp Fiction . . . it has a curtain for the door. No stall doors. Talk about flapping in the wind.

Dodger Stadium is where "the incident" happened.

Apparently Dodger fans do not like non-Dodger fans.

The Dodgers were playing the Phillies. There were 4 Philly fans sitting in front of us dressed up in full gear. They were a little rowdy but nothing out of the norm. They were jokers more than jerks. Every time Tommy LaSorda's pic was flashed on the scoreboard screen, they would remind the crowd that Tommy was from Pennsylvania. The Dodger fans did not like this so they started throwing stuff at the Philly fans.

I made the mistake of asking them to stop. That made things worse.

The next thing I know, two guys are threatening us. One guy ran down the aisle stairs while the other clown just jumped down the three rows.

That's when I got punched. Never saw it coming. What happened to pushing first? Guy was a southpaw too. Fucking cagey ass mofo. I wonder how Phil Ivey would've played this?

I didn't even know I was cut. It happened so fast. I do remember looking at the guy and smirking right after he punched me. He kind of looked scared.

I turned and looked at his friend trying to sneak up on us from the row below us. As soon as I turned toward him, he froze up and looked scared too. Then he started jawing and that's when I heard a girl scream.

I looked down and saw blood all over my shirt.

Then both guys tried to run.

Dodger officials finally stepped in and stopped them.

I was bleeding bad but not hurt. I kind of felt like Marvelous Marvin Haggler at that moment. Well, minus the marvelous part. Unfortunately, that feeling changed as the situation quickly turned into the Ron Artest circus show.

As I'm being escorted up the aisle, chants of "Phillies suck!" rained down on us and everyone pointed at me. I stopped and turned to the crowd and said, "Fuck you, I ain't a Philly fan but your team still sucks!"

Pauly was wearing a NY Yankee baseball hat.

On a dime, the crowd started chanting, "Yankees suck!" and that's when the beers and food started poring down on us.

Ironically, I don't think we were hit by one beer. Horrible aim by the mob. They can't hit a fat target like me?

Here's a pic Pauly took of me moments after we were honored with the Ron Artest red carpet treatment.

I can tell you exactly what's running through my mind at that moment.

Fuck. My shirt is ruined.
Fuck. I need stitches.
Fuck. I hope this isn't on Sportscenter.
Fuck. It's going to cost me $600 to fly back to this shit hole for court.
Fuck. I didn't finish my beer.
Fuck. We have to leave now.
Fuck. I'm glad I don't have weed on me right now.
Fuck. I should've walked away. Naw, I should've punched that clown before he ran away.
Fuck. I'm glad I didn't wear my Snailtrax shirt tonight.
Fuck. The LAPD is going to screw me somehow.
Fuck. WTF just happened!
Fuck. I wanted a third Dodger Dog.
Fuck. This is going to cost me more than $600 to come back here.
Fuck. Can't we just hold him down and let me punch him once and call it even?

Shortly after the guy was arrested I was taken to the first aid room where the doctors stitched me up Patrick Swayze Roadhouse style.

Then things got shady.

This guy lied and said I pushed him first. LAPD knew he was full of it but if he says I pushed or shoved him, than that was considered assault and battery. I was going to jail too if I continued pressing charges.

The LAPD said there was no security footage and no witnesses other than the parties involved. I was going to jail and a judge would decide.

I didn't know what to do. My flight home was the next day and I definitely didn't want to go to jail. I had insurance so I said screw it. Where's a lawyer when you need one? Did we just do a chop or did I just get bluffed out of a huge pot?

Was I just hoodwinked by the LAPD?

Either way, I hope that fucker broke his hand.

Here's a couple of random thoughts I had while typing this post . . . .

1. Breakfast burritos should run away when I walk into a diner.
2. I wish the Farmer's Market was across the street from where I worked. I would eat there everyday.
3. Pineapple Express. Greatest Stoner Action Movie Ever. Must see. I haven't been to the movies in 3 years and saw this flick twice.
4. Brett Favre to the Jets? Chad Pennington to the Dolphins? I smell a sequel to "There's Something about Mary."
5. They have MiBs in LA.
6. That Arnold Palmer Tee rules.
7. Dean Youngblood went back to Thunder Bay didn't he?
8. I told the LAPD that I weighed 215 pounds and the assholes put down 230.

Tao of Poker's 5th Birthday Celebration

2008-08-03T19:54:00.004-04:00

Holy Smokes!

This week is Pauly's big tourney. As everyone knows by now, he's celebrating the Tao of Poker's fifth birthday by throwing a private tournament on PokerStars with a special bonus to the winner.

The winner gets two nights at the Borgata Hotel & Spa in Atlantic City as well as an entry into the $5,000 buy-in NL tournament for the Borgata Poker Open on September 12th.

Fore specific details...click here.

Good luck everyone!

And yes, I'm officially the two time, that is . . . two time PLO champ of Saturdays with Dr. Pauly.

So damn rigged.

RIP Bobby Murcer

2008-07-13T16:30:00.006-04:00

One of my favorite Yankee broadcasters died yesterday.

Class act.

Long live the dwarf . . .

2008-07-12T16:49:00.005-04:00

Congrats Iggy!!

What a run for the little man. Great job at the WSOP Main Event bro . . . very proud of you.

And Happy belated to the Donkeyfucker!

Google this . . .

2008-07-07T20:30:00.005-04:00

Since the Brew Crew got lucky and landed CC Sabathia in a trade, I decided to do Stb a solid.

I present the ass shot . . . . and yes, it's my desktop wallpaper.

So rigged . . . . .

2008-06-28T19:25:00.013-04:00

It took me almost 22 tries but it finally happened.

I am the PLO king.

So damn rigged!

Which way to the Zoo?

2008-06-18T22:11:00.008-04:00

Which One?

Michael Kay: Now Jake Peavy is a very god fearing man and he does not swear. Did you ever have teammates that didn’t swear David??

David Cone: None that I trusted.

I feel that way about people who say they never go on tilt.

I’m on Chien-Ming Wang TILT.

So is Hank aka mini-Stein.

At least Cone talked about the benefits of scuffing the ball.

And yes . . . . FUCK the Mets for firing my main man Willie Randolph.

New York City

2008-05-11T21:00:00.037-04:00

I had a great time last weekend.

I’m glad I got to pre-celebrate Iggy’s latest birthday in style with him, G-Money, Pauly, Stb, The Rooster, F-Train, Bobby and Elizabeth.

White Gold and the Swayzzz too.

No Gary Busey though.

Only a quick recap for me this time.

Go read Pauly’s posts if you want better details. He did a great job recanting the entire weekend and hijinks.

Bender 1

Bender 2

NYC Videos

NYC Prop bets

He also has a great photo gallery.

To summarize this weekend best . . .

Bar hopping.

Benders.

Dial-a-shots with AlCantHang.

Prop bets.

Angle shooting.

Amazing Cab races.

Pinball.

Afghan Wigs.

Yankee Stadium.

Wall Street.

Ground Zero.

Big Nick's.

The Bull.

Girder safety inspectors. Smoke always seemed to be coming out from the structure.

Romanians or Bulgarians?

Phone booth safety inspectors.

Utah get me two.

A female bartender let me smoke her weed.

Good friends.

Good times.

Oh yeah I almost forgot.

The Rooster took a dump in the ladies room at one bar near Bleecker Street. The men’s room had fresh ice in the urinal and toilet. Not sure why he passed on that.

Then a woman with a shaved head took a dump in the men’s room in a midtown bar the next day. I guess it was a “waiting on line” thing. Or maybe she just wanted to stink up the men’s room. She was a dyke you know.

And of course . . . we saw a lesbian wedding. Horny latinas too.

For the record, my two favorite Patrick Swayze movies are Red Dawn and Youngblood.

Here's some of my favorite pics from last weekend courtesy of Pauly . . .

May 9, 2008 = 4 years old

2008-04-27T16:20:00.002-04:00

It's About High Time . . . .

Since I'm coming up on the 4th anniversary of my poker blog, I thought I’d go old school.

And when I say old school, I mean a bad beat story.

A real bad beat story.

So don’t get your hopes up.

Poker content. Real poker. You can bet on that.

Luckily, no hand histories will be posted here. There’s a little twist though.

Let's reverse it for once.

Instead of talking about getting a bad beat, I thought it would be better to talk about a bad beat I issued on someone. I don't hear enough stories about those kinds of beats.

You know, the ones where you’re the donkey.

It's more fun that way. In fact, let’s talk about two beats in particular.

Some would say they're bone rattling junk kickers.

I'd call them viscous beats. Without a doubt.

Can you feel the suckouts coming? I know they can.

It's not just about taking someone's money you know.

Sometimes it’s about taking their dignity too.

El maldito rio is what they called it in 2004 . . . for the other guy, not me. Some things never change.

Bad beats happen all the time. Some worse than others.

Mine are gold.

As you will soon see.

I was horrified at first. I shook my head both times.

After having some time to digest them, I've become quite fond of them.

I hope you do too.

It didn't take much to convince me. They're instant classics in my book.

It’s safe to assume that I am the donkey in each.

Suckout # 1:

I had K-To in late position and I was one of the big stacks in a tourney. This suckout was huge because the pot was three way and I had the worst hand preflop.

I went up against K-Js who had a real big stack too and T-T who had the shortest stack of the three of us.

I raised preflop after K-J limped. It was a huge over raise by me too. I got both guys to call with T-T moving all in for the rest of his chips.

The flop came down K-4-8 rainbow.

K-J moved all in on the flop. I thought forever before I made my decision. I said fuck it.

I was the big stack. Plus it was only one click away.

“Call,” I said to my computer screen.

Then I clicked the call button like any donkey would.

I didn’t know it at the time but I was about to witness a miracle.

The turn card was a K.

The river card was a Ten.

So freakin' sick.

The chat erupted with the usual banter. Some insults too.

1 beat. 2 players busted.

My big stack became a monster stack.

After a few barbs were sent my way.

I typed, “Ship it!” in the chat. Just to be a dick.

I don’t even remember how I did in that tourney. Nor do I care right now.

It’s about the memories, you see.

Sure, I play to win the game. But sometimes, it’s about making someone cry.

I’m pretty sure one of those guys cried that night. They always do after a bad beat.

This time would be no different.

I felt it in my heart.

I'd buy that for a dollar. Who wouldn't?

KT vs KJ vs TT:

Board is K48-K-T

Suckout # 2:

I had A-K.

My opponent had 4-4.

I raised preflop of course.

He called.

The flop comes down K-4-5.

He bet.

I raised.

I didn’t know it at the time but I was in trouble. Or so conventional wisdom would dictate.

Apparently, TPTK is gold against a set.

What happened next was brutal.

I know. You think I caught runner runner for the wheel, right?

Nope, think again.

This is what made the beat so chilling and tough to stomach.

The turn card was a 5.

Full house for him.

Two pair for me. With an Ace kicker I thought.

The river was a 5.

Someone got felted and it wasn't me.

“He had you on the turn,” someone typed in the chat.

No shit Sherlock.

That beat was rough for sure.

Hell, I didn’t even realize I won the pot at first.

Then Riverstars shipped it my way.

Wow.

“He had you on the turn.”

Yes, but you had me at hello.

Sure, I caught running 5's to win the pot with a higher boat.

But was I such a bad person?

I’m obviously a donkey. A river rat too. No arguments there.

Save it for your blog?

Let it go I say. Can’t we all get along?

Horrific beat? Sure.

But it's also a fine piece of art work. A masterpiece even.

My only regret is that my opponent didn't have more money.

Good bad beat stories are fun. You can't charge anyone for listening to those, can you?

Do you smell what I'm cooking?

Here's to 4 more years you crackers!!

AK vs 44:

Board is K45-5-5

Speaking of bad beats and crackers . . . poor poor Tommy from Angel Beach had to deal with this chick tugging at his tallywhacker. Mustafa tells me he's seen worse beats than Beulah Balbricker. I don't doubt that for one second.

Enjoy . . .

March Madness 2008

2008-04-05T18:05:00.001-04:00

What’s your real name?

Most poker players blow their winnings in the sport book or at the craps tables.

Not me.

I blow mine on strippers.

-EV indeed.

At least strippers provide high quality entertainment. Especially at the Rhino.

There was one lap dance in particular that was pretty intense.

It happened between the main stage and the bar.

It was pretty similar to crunch time during a close NCAA tournament game.

March Madness indeed.

I practically had sex that first night at the Rhino.

Technically speaking, it was the best 5 minutes of both our lives.

I’m pretty sure of that.

The best part . . . it only cost me $40.

She stained my pants too.

They call it the reverse cowgirl.

After it was over, she twirled around and said two things to me.

“That was hot” and “Wow you're sweating.”

Very hot.

Talk about value betting.

I spent $700 that night but that was the best $40 anyone could lay out.

I got action. And was paid off.

I have absolutely no self control.

Neither did she obviously.

She was a Hawaiian/Latina who lived in LA and liked to surf.

Or so she said.

Unfortunately, I never saw her again.

That was my last lap dance of the night too.

Some random guy sitting nearby with his friends mentioned that he almost blew a load watching that lap dance.

“Me too,” I said.

Then it hit me as she walked away.

I never caught her name.

So the NCAA games hadn’t even started and I was already in the hole.

The pressure was on.

I had to win.

Especially if I wanted to hit the strip club again.

Search for that perfect lap dance damnit!

Decision making is very important. And not just at the sportsbook or poker table.

It also applies to strip clubs and life in general.

I had a losing record at the sportsbook but I still won money.

Weighting your picks is key. I hit most of my big bets.

Hitting a few parlays also helps.

Did I mention the Wisconsin Badgers suck cock?

I could’ve spent that $550 at the strip club.

I will never bet on Wisconsin again.

Well, maybe I would if Waffles was betting against them.

Fade his picks.

Then ship it!

That is my real name

I arrived in Las Vegas on a Wednesday and played poker at the Red Rock Casino with Pauly.

Pauly got felted a couple of times and I lost $60 playing NL.

I lied to one stripper. I told her that I owned a huge dildo manufacturing and distribution company. She believed me too.

During a lap dance, some stripper asked me how my bracket was doing. I lied.

I went to Red Rock Canyon and saw some chicks modeling lingerie in a remote area. They thought Senor and I were jerking off to them. They later asked us to help them carry their stuff. It was a huge hike so Senor and I laughed and said we had enough exercise for one day.

Me, Pauly and his buddies Senor and Turtle met up with Miami Don at the sportsbook on Thursday and watched the games all day. That morning I clogged a toilet.

We went bowling at Red Rock Lanes. We had several prop bets going while jail bait and horny housewives surrounded us.

A few lanes down, several women looked like they were having a bachelorette party or something. As Miami Don noted, they can't all be pregnant.

Later on in the night, two rambunctious lesbians were bowling two lanes down from us. They were constantly hooting and hollering. And hugging.

We picked random frames and whoever bowled a strike won the $100 pot. Miami Don won 3 out of 4 times. He’s a money player but we kept busting his balls for hustling us because those were the only strikes he bowled all night.

I bowled 3 strikes in a row right out of the shoot but it was all downhill from there. Until I won a money ball that is.

Senor kicked ass all night.

There was a guy at the alley who was obviously on a date with a pro . . . she looked like a horny high school teenager too. Her pre-bowling routine was something to marvel at.

Turtle and Senor went to Cheetah Thursday night. They said it was as dirty as Pauly described. They loved every minute of it but it was no Rhino.

There was a Dan Mikalski sighting at Red Rock Casino.

There was a fight in the Red Rock sportsbook on Friday. Some guy got bitch slapped in the VIP section. He also had some racing forms thrown in his face. Miami Don and I couldn’t stop laughing.

There was only one hooker at the Red Rock hooker bar.

But there was also a hooker standing near the elevator bank scoping out the lobby bar scene. She winked and smiled at us a few times. I saw her standing at her post three days in a row. Some call that dedication.

We watched the games with JW and Friedman on Saturday. Most of the money I won that afternoon was blown at the strip club that night. I lost most of my week's sports betting profits at the Rhino. It was money well spent though. The Adopt a Stripper Foundation is a good cause.

I heard a stripper yelling at some guy for lying to her. Every stripper in the room who was riding straddle on a guy stopped grinding and looked over at the commotion. Someone yelled, “Time is money!” Immediately, all the strippers went back to work and started grinding in unison as if nothing happened.

As I was getting my last lap dance of the night I saw some guy jump up from his dance when he saw his friend across the room.

He mentioned to his buddy that he saw poker player David Williams by the Rhino bar earlier.

I wondered if Mr. Williams was sucking on a stripper’s foot that night? He does have a foot fetish you know.

I smirked and said to both guys, “That’s nothing bro. I saw Dr. Pauly in here the other night. Jerry Yang and Mel Judah too.”

That’s when a stripper said, “Oh I met Dr. Pauly. He’s a movie producer isn’t he?”

Sure.

I finished off my sports betting trip going 0-3 on Sunday.

Stephen Curry and Davidson are pretty scrappy. They killed me all week but especially that day.

Good times though. I wouldn’t change a thing.

I always have a blast hanging out with Pauly, Senor and Miami Don.

I hadn’t seen Turtle in years. Or as he likes to tell strippers and drunk girls, "I'm Ryan Mansfield honey."

Pauly called him a mix between Larry David and Vince Vaughn.

Dead on.

For the first time in a very long time, Senor did not drop his pants.

Awesome trip.

Nah. What was it before you changed it?

STATS:

Strip club stats: -1,200 for two visits
Poker stats: -300 two sessions
Bowling stats: -40 for 4 games. It would’ve been worse if I didn’t win one of the money balls.
Cigarette stats: -70 Two packs a day for 5 straight days

NCAA gambling stats:
9-14 over 4 days
+800

UNC, Kansas, Western Kentucky, Louisville and Xavier were big winners for me. I lost most of my small and medium bets and one big one on Wisconsin. Luckily I won all of my other big bets. The strip clubs and the last day of the NCAA tourney killed me. I would’ve been up more if it weren’t for Davidson.

Once again UCLA won me some big money when they let Western Kentucky score a last second basket uncontested. That basket broke the spread.

Clyde Frazier would call that El Matador D or Swiss Cheese D by UCLA. I love point shavers.

The funny thing is that I tried to bet less this year. Last year I put down bets ranging from $1100 to $5500 on any one game.

I tried to be more responsible this year and topped out at $1100 on a game. But most of my bets were $550 and lower this year.

Hedging bets on parlays is key too.

I can’t wait to do it all over again next year.

Viva la March Madness!

You say goodbye . . . . .

and I say hello.

Fire Isiah Thomas please!

You play to win the game . . .

2008-03-10T17:29:00.001-04:00

Saturdays with Dr. Pauly

2008-02-14T22:21:00.004-05:00

The Rooster won it last week.

But that was because I didn't play. I was preoccupied stuffing my face in public.

I knocked The Rooster out of the tourney the first week.

I hope to do so again.

To be the man, you got to beat the man.

Woooooo!

Thank you, come again.

Poker Tales . . .

2008-02-01T20:23:00.000-05:00

From the Darkside

It happened about 12 years ago to the day.

I remember it like it was yesterday. Though it feels like a really long time ago.

I was only 20 at the time.

Bill Clinton was President back then.

They called him Slick Willy.

You know, there's a lot of things we won't be telling Mrs. Clinton.

We definitely had more street cred in those days. Gas, booze, weed and cigarettes were also cheaper.

Alot of things have changed since then.

I guess I shouldn't hold out hope for a John Travolta/Cheech Marin ticket.

They said it would happen one day. Just like Ronald Reagan.

Well, maybe not the Cheech part.

So what happened 12 years ago you ask?

I broke a promise that day.

Doesn't sound too special does it?

I was still in college then and living in a fraternity house. A bunch of us decided to play some poker one night. We invited a few sorority girls.

Not one hand of Holdem was played.

No strip poker either.

The girls crushed Omaha.

Before we played, I made a promise to the group that night.

I promised I would not bluff.

"I never bluff," I said. Followed by a quick, "I promise you."

I lied of course.

I stole alot of pots that night.

I always have the nuts.

That's what I told everyone.

Bill Clinton would be proud.

I've had 12 years to reflect on this.

My conclusion?

Broken promises don't upset me.

Instead, I just think . . . why did they believe me?

Fools? Suckers?

George W Bush would be proud. Dick Cheney too.

Something strange happened later that night.

I took one of the girls back to my room.

A bong hit for the lady?

We didn't exhale.

Cheech and Chong would be proud.

We eventually got naked after some negotiating.

What was so strange about that?

To this day, I swear that girl had no asshole.

It was missing.

Nowhere to be found.

I swear.

I tried.

How is that possible?

I have no clue.

I wish they had cell phones with cameras back then.

The Rooster would be proud.

In fact, I can't remember anyone having a cell phone back then.

I double checked and triple checked.

Yep, no asshole.

WTF?

Is that even possible?

Why did I care anyway?

Why was I looking to begin with?

I blame it on positioning.

Position is key, as we all know.

WWTKD?

What Would Ted Kennedy Do?

Exactly what I did.

I had another drink. Then I took my pants off.

Whoever bets at the pot first, takes it down.

It was very interesting I must say.

A third breast would've been cool though. That's for sure.

I guess it could've been worse.

Uh, yeah.

Who cares if she had no asshole, right?

At least she had a vagina.

I rarely say the words, "I promise" to anyone. I just can't do it.

It would be hard to keep a straight face. Especially after that night.

I'm even smirking right now.

Broken promises happen all the time.

True.

So who's going to win the 2008 Presidential Election?

I have no clue.

Either way, first prize is a Cadillac Eldorado. And second prize is a set of steak knives.

The real question.

Which candidate would you buy a used car from?

I know one thing for sure . . . she definitely had no asshole.

Poke her tail.

Do it now.

Governor Schwarzenegger would be proud.

Does a straight beat a flush?

Today it does.

Poke her tail.

Poke her tail.

Saturdays with Dr. Pauly . . . .

2008-01-28T09:20:00.001-05:00

AVN Adult Entertainment

2008-01-10T22:03:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure about you but I prefer the old school terminology better.

Porn Expo.

Flipchip is covering the AVN Adult Entertainment Expo in Las Vegas. What a lucky man. He's got some pretty sweet photos of porn stars and strippers.

I saw part of a nipple in one pic.

Flipchip has a good eye.

I wonder if he's going to the AVN Awards Show. Excuse me, I mean the Porn Awards.

Does Flipchip need an assistant this week?

Go check out his Day 1 photo gallery of the lovely ladies.

Here's some more AVN pics:

Day 2

Day 3

Day 4

I'll be wanking off to this one for years to come.

photo by flipchip • lasvegasvegas.com

Thank you Flipchip.

Merry Christmas

2007-12-24T19:50:00.001-05:00

Holiday Classic Recap

2007-12-15T01:42:00.000-05:00

December 2007

I find myself gambling less and less at these events. I've been to six out of seven since 2004. The funny thing is that I have more money to throw around now compared to the first few times we invaded Las Vegas. So what's wrong with me?

Being the sixth one, it's certainly easier to socialize because I know almost everyone by now.

Is that the reason?

Less gambling and more conversation.

Maybe it's a quality versus quantity issue?

I certainly bet bigger to make up for it.

Getting wasted is a priority.

So is hanging out with my friends.

Las Vegas is also a great place to people watch. I can gamble anytime.

Short sessions are better anyway. Hit and run.

Sometimes it's more fun to watch your friends gamble. Granted, it's not the same rush but at least it frees up one hand for smoking and the other for drinking.

But consider the people involved. I'm watching bloggers gamble damnit.

As you all know, Chaka likes to watch.

Voyeur?

Yep.

Pervert?

Perhaps.

There's a good chance I'm looking down your shirt for some cleavage action if you're a female so watch out.

Or you can do me a favor and make it easier by opening another button or two.

Maudie, Gracie, Kat??

I recently participated in an office harassment training class. We all did. Not just me.

They said leering was a form of harassment. It's improper behavior for the work place.

There was no pass or fail. You showed up, you were good. Ship it!

In Las Vegas, a push is a win.

PAI GOW!!

How many vices do you have?

Some say more than one is too many.

I disagree.

Who wants to ROSHAMBO for $100?

The Zoot Suit(ed) Shakedown

GMoney and I like to play this game called, "Working or not working."

He would pick someone who was obviously a hooker and I would say, "No way."

He would then go into the pros as to why the girl was a pro.

Her looks. Her clothes. The amount of skin being shown. The fact that she was dressed up and completely sober at 4am. She's sitting by herself at the bar. She has a pimp lurking in close proximity. The usual tells.

Sometimes one of us would go over and talk to the girl to see if she really was a hooker. We'd also listen to her sales pitch and find out more about her.

The conversation can turn quickly.

Nothing beats a nice dirty conversation. Especially in public.

"Whatever price she says, go $100 lower. She'll do it," GMoney would say.

Lowball is a good game but I prefer Razz.

Be friendly and talk to the working girls. Look but don't buy.

And don't get rolled.

Working or not working?

What's great about this game is you can play it anywhere. On the strip, in a hooker bar, in a restaurant, sitting at a table. It is Las Vegas.

Hookers in Las Vegas are sort of like actors in Hollywood.

Everywhere you look, you see one or someone that looks like one.

The only difference . . . there aren't too many out of work hookers in this town. Even the old ones were working.

They also seem to have a pretty good turnover rate.

I spent way too much time at the Geisha bar.

I wonder what the over/under is on how many clients the average Las Vegas casino hooker has had come 3am.

Hey Urkel, can you crunch those numbers on your computer?

Let's keep playing working versus not working.

You keep saying no and I'll convince you why they are.

Let's do it.

First Call?

This one prostitute at the IP hooker bar kept pestering me to take her up to my room.

I kept playing the game with her to find out her price.

I laughed when she told me her rate.

What did GMoney say again?

Move the line. Go $100 lower.

She claimed to be a 21 year old Puerta Rican girl from Atlantic City.

I have a weakness for hot horny latinas.

Who doesn't really?

She had a back tattoo. And a stomach tattoo.

After several drinks with GMoney and the working girl, I took off for the restroom.

She followed.

And waited near the slots for me.

That's an Atlantic City move. The hookers over there do that. Late night, they'll sit by the slot machines that are closest to the main cage and wait for guys to cash out with a big stack. That's when they attack. I call that Stealth Ho-rilla warfare mode.

The hookers will pounce out of a row of slot machines vying for your attention. Who will get to you first? Does it resemble a VC jumping out of rice paddy for his kill?

Sort of but not really. The surprise factor is there for sure.

But you don't get to choose.

It's more like drug dealers jumping out of the bush in Washington Square park to sell you a dime bag.

But I was just using the restroom?

Mrs. Spaceman once told me they can smell the cash in my pocket. That was at the Borgata.

I believed her. Still do.

So I come out of the restroom and the hooker asked me what I was doing.

I just finished taking a shit honey.

How'd you like to be my first client?

Ever?

No, dummy. Today. My first of the day.

I thought, "Sweet!"

Wait, don't say that.

Being a working girl is very similar to playing poker.

They're both really one long session aren't they?

First of the day . . . no thanks.

Put it in your spank bank and move on.

Speechless during the end around

BadBlood and I ordered the exact same meal and wine at Nob Hill. It was great.

It was a huge tab but surprisingly nowhere near the over/under that was set.

We both licked our plates clean.

We both had Gus Hansen shirts on.

Later on, we were having a drink at the bar and a working girl approached.

She said hi to Badblood first.

I said, "How you doin' tonight?"

Good but I'd be doing better if I was sucking your dicks.

Uh . . . uh, uh uh??

A few seconds felt like 10 minutes.

BadBlood and I got a quick lesson on the "hard sell" versus the "soft sell."

Two for one?

Burn'em and churn'em.

Are you keeping up with the Kardashians?

Mustafa is. That's for sure.

He likes Bruce Jenner and his big booty step daughter, Kim.

OJ Simpson should've done what I did.

I walked away quietly.

They call that the hard sell.

I'm still speechless.

Working or not working?

Memorable moments and the lowdown:

-I got to sit at a NL cash table with Sweet sweet Pablo, Change100, Mary, Johnny Hughes, Karol, Vinay and a few others on the first day of the trip. Karol got felted when her boat lost to quad Aces. As she was waiting for her rebuy to arrive, she got felted again. When the chips arrived, she signed the release and they gave her chips away. REBUY!!

-Stepping out of the cab line to jump into a stretch limo with BG, Maudie, Iggy, Pauly and Change100 so we could get to dinner on time.

-The procedure.

-Does your technique include a lot of hand action?

- I tried to get Gracie to pretend she was my fiance. I wanted to tell one of the working girls that we wanted to do a threesome before we got married by Elvis the next day.

-12 hours of sleep in 4 days.

-Bet the over. I smoked 8 packs in 4 days.

-I lost a quiet $400. Mostly on the tourney buy-in and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. I should've listened to April and bet the Texans. The Cowboys killed me too. Thank goodness for blackjack.

-My goal of smoking one pack for every hour I slept went unaccomplished. I fell short by 4 packs.

-Benny Hiroshima: If you're lucky to meet this guy, you'll find that he looks like Joe Speaker. That guy sat at every table I was moved to in the blogger tourney. He eventually busted me. It felt like a bad acid flashback every time he took a big pot off me. I think he had a superuser account and saw my hole cards. AK sucks. He also busted Roberto Colunga and got his Jesus gift as a bounty.

-The Geisha bar.

-Getting to party all night with GCox, Iggy, GMoney, AlCantHang, Gracie, Pablo and everyone else.

-Irish Jim is a riot.

-Playing blackjack with Garth and Bobby.

-Sweet Sweet Pablo and I bet on the wheel spins at the IP. The choices were Money or Product. I chose Product. People were getting pissed when I wanted them to win a mug or towel instead of $100. Product!!

-Asian Jew?

-Puff, puff give.

-The Rooster wins . . . give me the chedda!

-Otis rules!!

-I had great meals at Nob Hill (MGM), Trevi (Caesars) and the Mirage.

-The wrong approach: an 18 yr old working girl asked Iggy and I if we could get her high in our rooms. Iggy asked her how much she was willing to pay for weed. She walked away. Maybe she was talking about getting high on Jesus?

-MGM mixed games and the sportsbook bar. Where did all these Brits come from?

-The Rooster was about to be insulted by some woman who was exiting the elevator. She noticed he was wearing a Yankee hat. She asked if he watched the World Series. She was obviously waiting for the right moment to make fun of the Yanks for getting bounced. She was from Colorado and also asked if The Rooster ever heard of the Rockies. Before she could get in her barb, the Rooster stopped her in her tracks and said, "No, never heard of them. Are they in the big leagues?" She had no response and the doors closed. Everyone in the elevator broke out into laughter.

-Las Vegas is very smoker friendly.

-Tony Romo is one lucky mofo.

-O'Sheas has beer pong tables and pretty good breakfast burritos with biscuits and gravy.

-GCox has a pretty cool wife.

-Went to Outback with GMoney and crushed some steaks.

-Getting another chance to be in the presence of Sir AlCan'tHang. Truly honored.

-Stained cigarette fingers.

-Change100 picked my wardrobe for the Nobhill dinner. I had three shirts with me and she picked the Gus Hansen shirt. FTrain was proud.

-Okie's rule . . . Go Maudie and GCox!

-Sore loser.

-Chaka no like crystal meth.

-Sweet sweet Gracie.

-How would you like to make $14 the hard way?

-Viva los Grubby y Grubette.

-Multiple Craps tournaments.

-Grubbette was cagey at the tourney. She kept re-raising me and I folded every time.

-Sports book Sunday. I forgot to bet on the Bengals this year. I'm 2-1 in previous years. It's called the Iggy bet. It's followed by a Greyhound. Then you wait for the money to roll in.

-Meeting Johnny Hughes was awesome. He had a ton of great stories and was a class act.

-I sat with a ton of people at the blogger tourney: Russ Fox, Johnny Hughes, Grubette, Mary, Joe Speaker, Alan Penner, FTrain, The Rooster, Byron, Otis, Blinders, Bobby, Dr. Pauly, Miami Don, Carol, Surly Poker Gnome, Dario Minieri and Benny Hiroshima.

-Chaka no like sleep.

-Sweet sweet Pablo.

-I was introduced to Tripjax's wife like 10 times. We both laughed about it and stopped telling people we already met come the 5th time. We re-shook hands every time and laughed.

-Some blogger at my table said he won a tourney earlier in the day. I leaned over to Mary and said, watch . . . I bet he's the first one at the table knocked out. Sure enough he was.

-Smoking cigarettes with Gracie.

-The Mark = The Gigli

-During the blogger tourney, I got hit in face with the deck after the first break.

-I got KK, AA and AA in three consecutive hands and won each time. Ship it!

-Think I got AA four times. KK twice. QQ three times and JJ three times. I won more pots and more money with junks hands though. I lost everytime with JJ.

-At one point, I think all of the NYC bloggers were still in the tourney when it got down to 4 tables. Most of us made it to the final 3 tables too. A new Yorker won . . long live The Rooster.

-Two words: Mean Gene

-The Fat Guy is the coolest dude. I'm so glad he made the trip.

-Aussie Aussie Aussie . . . Garth, Garth, Garth.

-Rule #20.

-All night benders.

-Joo the Pai Gow dealer. Nuff said.

-Your blog is my homepage.

-Can I get a link?

-Bobby walked up to Pauly and I while we were waiting to place our football bets. He mentioned that we might want to look at his picks and fade them since he's doing horribly this season. We laughed because we were planning to fade Waffles picks.

-Nice catch donkey.

-Tons of Brits and cowboys. What no porn stars?

-Crown Royal: official booze of the IP.

-Floyd "Pretty Boy" Mayweather vs. Ricky Hatton.

-I was rocking a King suite at the IP.

-That was one fresh jam.

-Schecky and Jen Leo rule.

-Otis is a Pai Gow god.

-Deja vu all over again: I was at the IP bar on Sunday morning at 7am ... sleepless and hanging with GCox getting drunk. Cigarettes were also smoked.

-I learned that Miami Don really likes Eric Mangini's play calling ability.

-Watching the Rooster short buy into a NL cash game and proceed to donk off his stack on the first hand then walk away.

-I heard a knock at the door and that's when I had to jump behind the bed and hide.

-The Eagles lost because Marky Mark didn't suit up for the game.

-It's 1st and 10. Mangini is calling for the field goal unit again.

-Watching Iggy and The Rooster tell the Brits that Mayweather was going to kick Hatton's ass.

-I woke up 30 minutes early on Thursday morning in NYC so I could get high before the taxi arrived to take me to JFK airport. A 5am wakeup was well worth it.

-It was the first time in awhile I did not clog a toilet on the road. I tried.

-I was only allowed to do # 1 in Change100's toilet.

-ABC.

-Yeah but I saw her first.

-We tried to set an over/under on how many dildos Dr. Jeff has pulled out of people's rectums in the ER. Do you mean successful removals? Or overall attempts? Ouch.

-There was a really fucked up cigarette lady at the IP. I bought some smokes off her at 3am. Come 9am, she was stumbling around and slurring her speech. She looked like she was hopped up on something. I saw her later on in the sports book selling smokes. She was clocking the Giants/Eagles game. I'm sure she had some action on the game. Later on, she walked by yelling, "Anyone need any cigarettes? Cigarettes, gum, cigars, Go Eagles!"

Feel my hammer

As I was sitting near Maudie and Mary at the bar, a random girl started talking to me.

Working or not working?

What do you think?

She asked if Maudie or Mary was my wife.

"One is my ex and the other is my current," I said.

Which one?

Does it matter? They're both pretty liberal. What do you think about 3 chicks and 1 guy?

Pretty forward huh? It's a good thing I'm working then.

I figured that much. So would that be considered an orgy?

You need at least 2 vaginas and 2 penises for it to be considered an orgy.

Since when do you need two penises to make up an orgy? I think anything more than a threesome is an orgy. Three vaginas should count.

Not really. What would you call it if 3 guys were having sex with 1 girl? A gang bang right? What you want is a reverse gang bang.

I like the way you think.

Choo, choo!

Time for a smoke break.

Smell my fingers?

Some hooker kissed me on the cheek at the hooker bar. Doh.

The last time I ran away from the bar that fast, I had to puke.

I ran this time out of fear of getting herpes.

I had to wash my face. And fast.

How many dicks did that girl suck before she kissed me?

Pauly said it was only midnight so maybe 10 penises . . . minimum.

Last Call

Let's say it's 5am and it's a slow night for the working girls.

Do you think their prices drop as their shift comes to a close?

Kind of like a discount or going out of business sale.

We could always ask.

Here comes The Rooster!

It was around 1am on Friday when I got a call.

It was The Rooster.

I was in the middle of a bender.

A Grubby bender?

Nope, no slots involved here. Just booze, weed and gambling.

The Rooster was drunk off his ass and had no clue when his flight was. He didn't know the airline or airport either.

I laughed.

He was serious.

Totally screwed I thought.

He wasn't going to make it?

That's what I told Pauly and sweet sweet Pablo.

Joe Speaker saved the day though.

The Rooster called him next.

Speaker hacked into the Rooster's account and found out his flight info for him. The Rooster barely made it.

In 24 hours, he would be champ.

He won the blogger tourney you know.

Holy smokes!

Joe Speaker called it a stampede when word got out that it was Otis versus The Rooster heads up. The bar emptied fast.

That Rooster is one cagey mofo.

Congrats to The Rooster and Otis for doing a kick ass job and representing.

New York!

G-Vegas!

By the way, Mustafa has told me on several ocassions that Otis and The Rooster are his favorite bloggers.

Well, he calls them his favorite crackers.

You get the picture.

The Top 15 List: By the numbers . . .

15 - the # of empty shot glasses ACH had stacked up at the bar. It was a light dinner.
14 - the # of hookers that I talked to in 4 days at one bar. I heard it was a slow week.
13 - the # of hookers that propositioned me in those 4 days. I guess I wasn't that one girl's type.
12 - the # of times a dealer caught 21 on me when I had 20.
11 - the # of Pai Gow hands it took me to go on tilt. I lost 11 in a row right out of the shoot.
10 - the # of bong hits I took before I went to JFK for my 8:30AM flight. Wake and bake.
9 - the # of bad beats I heard without collecting a single dollar.
8 - the # of cowgirls I saw wearing Crown Royal gear at the Geisha Bar. Working or not working?
7 - the # of times I heard Iggy say the word "please" when talking to a drunk British guy who thought Ricky Hatton was going to win.
6 - the # of times I heard Asian Jew shouted out in the first level of the blogger tourney.
5 - the # of times Sir F asked me if he was slurring his speech. He was. We were at the Venetian bar before he fell asleep there.
4 - the # of times I heard someone compliment GRob's hair. And he wasn't even in Las Vegas.
3 - the # of times The Rooster told a 60 year old Polish hooker that ACH had herpes and 3 kids.
2 - the # of drunk cowgirls that GMoney picked up at the bar.
1 - the # of times Grubby made a stripper squirt on his chest during a lapdance.

Pauly called it "one of the most dramatic final tables in the history of the WPBT" as The Rooster beat Otis heads up for the 4th annual Holiday Classic championship.

Over 120 players signed up and the top 20 places paid. I made it to the final three tables before I busted out.

Final table results:

1. The Rooster
2. Otis
3. Kuro Kitty
4. Schecky
5. Columbo
6. Grubby
7. Miami Don
8. Instant Tragedy
9. Change100
10. Drizz

Pauly, Johnny Hughes, CK, Mary, JoeSpeaker, Brian (from Poker Atlas), Biggestron, Blinders, Falstaff, and Julian all cashed to round out the top 20.

Many thanks to Falstaff for setting this gathering up and picking the Venetian to host the tourney. Great job bro.

This was a great trip. I had a ton of fun hanging out and can't wait to do it again.

There were a few things missing from the trip though, namely Daddy and Jaxia.

Save the donkeyfucker, save the world.

Great times.

This post has been brought to you by my sponsor the United Working Girls of Las Vegas. Unionize!

*Some pictures were stolen from Pauly and Instant Tragedy.

Gone Fishing . . .

2007-12-05T20:04:00.001-05:00

I'm heading to Las Vegas tomorrow.

Unfortunately my current burrito streak will come to an end because of the trip. I ate two this week to make up for it.

See you mofos in Las Vegas.

A bad case of the Mondays . . .

2007-11-18T18:59:00.002-05:00

I like to give people nicknames at work. Usually behind their back.

One guy looks like Milhouse from the Simpson's. This guy is a dead ringer for the little Van Houten boy.

I recently found out that other people at work call him Milhouse too. I wonder if he knows?

I have a hot assistant. She thinks Milhouse is a horny pervert. He always tries to look down her shirt. She has huge boobs.

Two weeks ago, I gave Milhouse a new nickname.

It was shortly after 9am on a Monday morning.

I was on my way to the restroom. I wanted wash the NYC subway off my right hand. That's when it happened. It changed a few lives that day.

Milhouse shot out of his office like a subway rat looking for food.

Only Milhouse was grabbing his ass checks.

He was kind of running but not really. It closely resembled the peepee dance. A fast start out of the gate turned into slow motion.

Be quick but don't hurry.

The last 10 feet to the restroom was the tough stretch for him.

He was obviously in pain.

I'm sure a stall door was kicked opened. He was lucky there was an opening.

Renegade gunslingers are known to kick open a saloon door or two when they mean business.

Milhouse was all about business. Crisis Management will do that to you, especially on a Monday morning.

I entered the bathroom to thunderous applause.

Milhouse was sitting in stall numero uno.

His shoes were off.

They were pushed to the side?

I heard toilet paper rustling.

No pants by his ankles?

I heard him muttering to himself.

Yes, Milhouse shit his pants.

I repeat. Milhouse shit his pants.

Milhouse was seen leaving the office at 10am . . . briefcase in hand.

Never to return?

He came back to work 2 days later.

If you haven't figured it out by now, I'll tell you his new nickname.

It's Mr. Hershey.

I was a big fan of that board game Clue.

And yes . . .

Mr Hershey did it.

In the bathroom.

With the plunger?

Poor poor Mr. Herhsey.

I'd like to thank Dr. Pauly for sucking out on me in a NL tournament hosted by Wil Wheaton. He busted me on a three way hand.

Nice catch donkey!

I wish everyone a wonderful Thanksgiving week!

Bonus Code: Pauly

PokerStars World Blogger Championship of Online Poker

2007-10-14T20:24:00.000-04:00

I played for 5 hours and 24 minutes.

I finished in 48th place out of 1337 and won a dufflebag.

I got called a donkey for winning big pots with 3-5 and K-2.

Someone's wife even agreed. She was watching over his shoulder.

They were soooted though.

Sore losers.

I got to play with Badblood and Easycure too.

What did you do on Sunday?

Bonus Code: Pauly

Fantasy Sports Live

2007-10-11T21:36:00.000-04:00

Pauly's hosting a 10 week fantasy football contest on Fantasy Sports Live.

Stop by his site for more details.

The more you know. The more you grow.

2007-10-07T04:02:00.000-04:00

Key West

I don't like how she walks around calling everyone “Papi.” Why do Latin girls do that?

Really? I kind of dig it. It gets me excited.

You should get a lap dance from her then.

I think I will. See ya in 2 minutes 10 seconds.

I had this conversation with which of the following people?

a. Roberto Colunga

b. DP

c. Grubby

d. Marco Colunga

e. Stb

I’ll give you a hint.

After the lap dance . . . this same blogger said two things to me when I returned to the bar from the private room.

How was it?

And

Let’s hit the food cart on the street and eat some sausages after all the bars and strip clubs close. I heard they were pretty good AND reasonably priced.

My response?

It was dirty . . . . and yes.

This took place at the Dive joint on Sunday morning at 3AM.

We hit up the Classy joint next.

Then we ate.

The comparison?

The Dive had better lap dances but the Classy Joint had better looking girls.

Money was spent at both places.

Unfortunately, I made two mistakes during this trip.

1. I should’ve brought more money with me.

2. I should’ve masturbated before I went to the strip club that first night.

It’s been awhile.

The more you know, the more you grow.

And yes . . . the food from the street vendor rocked.

Grubby’s a wise man.

He also says $4 is a pretty decent rate for a strip club ATM.

I kind of agree. That’s only 20% of the cost of a lap dance.

That’s a small amount to pay to support the Adopt-a-Stripper program.

Stb said it best, “Everyone should adopt a stripper when they can.”

It’s money well spent.

Sally Struthers would agree.

The last time I saw Grubby in Key West, he was handing out VOTE for Morgan McPherson fliers on Duval Street at 6am.

Was the race tilted? There's a runoff for that position now.

Jimmy Weekly or Morgan McPherson for mayor?

Only Grubby knows.

He’ll do anything to win a prop bet.

The more you know, the more you grow.

* * * *

What else happened in Key West?

A lot of good memories.

Cheap beer.

Cheap cigarettes.

Watching Drizz, Roberto Colunga, The Rooster, Joe Speaker, DP and others ride the bull at the cowboy bar. I have no clue how they escaped that prop bet without a swollen penis and bruised testicles.

Speaker made a wardrobe change before he rode the bull.

Drizz punches hard.

I got a lap dance from a drunk stripper at the Dive joint and she kept falling off my lap. She had a Corona in her hand the entire time. She didn’t spill one drop. Of the beer.

DP and Roberto Colunga humped a waitress at the sports bar with their make shift penises (an orange cone). DP had a condom on his.

Sloppy Joe’s.

Sweet Sweet Gracie.

The Classy strip joint.

Florida is a smoker friendly state.

The smoking lounge at the airport was outdoors and there was a Mojito bar next to it.

The not-so-classy strip joint.

3 girls in the crew got a lap dance. Nice.

I sat less than 5 feet away from one of the girls during their lap dance. Thanks for the memories Mary.

Anyone else notice that all the roosters disappeared from the streets when The Rooster landed in Key West? Pauly says they disappeared because the head cock was in town.

Marathon poker session at the ACH compound.

Seeing friends walking in and out of the lap dance room.

I slow rolled F Train by mistake. I had A7 on a board that had 3-4-5-J-2. I thought I missed my 7 high straight. He wasn’t amused when I said I missed my straight and only had A high. That’s a wheel you idiot!

The Bad beat machine.

Someone’s getting felted and going broke on this hand. It might be me.

Rebuy!

Playing a $40 buy in NL cash game and realizing a few hours in that we had over $1200 on the table.

A $40 buy in = 2 lap dances.

Our betting increments and decisions to call bets at the poker table were converted into the # of lap dances we could get or lose out on.

I only play good cards.

Tilting Pauly and Sweet sweet Pablo with junk cards.

Poor poor Maudie also suffered the wrath of my suckouts. Suited cards and gutshots are gold.

Never bluff a calling station.

Marco Colunga cooked us a great meal with the fish the guys caught. Great job bro!

Smoking allowed in bars = 2 packs a day habit.

Lots of horny latinas .... my kind of town.

I went over budget with my donations to the adopt a stripper fund. Showing support is important for all humanity.

The dive joint has uglier strippers but they grind better.

I want my money back . .. I didn't see any bottoms. Who do I file a complaint with?

Prop bets galore.

Gambling on odds/evens during the boxing game.

My streak of clogging toilets on the road has continued. I clogged a toilet during my first night in Key West. My suggestion: every hotel should supply each room with a plunger. Miraculously, The Rooster found one outside our room door at 10am. Who knew?

What's more gay . . . eating a cheese steak on a tortilla wrap or riding a moped?

Another Lager please.

Drizz made me laugh during the cash game when he said, “I wager $20.” Not sure why but I thought that was funny. I think that’s a tell.

Putting an ATM by the lap dance room is efficient and effective.

Getting Bacon and a Fried egg on my cheeseburger.

Turtle races are rigged.

Pablo, Gracie and I watched a couple make out sloppily on Duval Street near the live web cam.

Do you think she’s a former stripper or a current one?

Hemingway used an old urinal from Sloppy Joe’s as a drinking fountain for his cats. Only one of the cats refuses to drink out of it.

Watch out people, I’m going to loosen up my play now.

Viva la ACH! Thanks for the great time.

Does the waitress give lap dances too?

Big Mike and the Philly crew rule!

Didn’t you get the memo? Soccer jersey day was yesterday.

Roberto Colunga professed, “I have to wash the herpes off my pants now.”

Stripper to Gracie: Do you mind if I give your boyfriend another lap dance?

I can cross that off my list of things to do.

I found out there’s a beer Iggy won’t drink even if it’s the only alcohol around. It’s Corona.

A stripper asked me if my hair was real.

Who's thumb went up where? Did he have to pay extra for that?

I’d buy that for a dollar.

Everytime someone paid for something, it was customary to remind them that they needed to get their change back in one dollar bills.

I got kicked in the balls by a stripper. Sloppy lap dance.

Are there any sober strippers here?

I ordered a salmon and shroom omelet near Hemingway’s house and I swear the cook left the restaurant to go catch the fish.

One more dance?

Ernest Hemingway’s house.

6 toed cats.

Before I sucked out on Pauly and Pablo, Grubby turned to me both times and says, “I feel a bad beat coming.” He was right both times. Monster pots.

I won a huge pot with J high.

I lost a huge pot to J high.

I beat Grubby out of a pot with 7 high to his 5 high. We both missed our flush.

Pablo cracked my hammer with KK. Nice catch donkey!

DP and Grubby were prop betting on how long people’s bathroom breaks would take. They also bet on who would get up out of their lazy boy first during the college football games.

DP bought an entire tray of jello shots and Roberto downed most of them.

During the poker game, DP, Grubby, Gracie and myself were playing high card out of the muck for each other’s stacks.

Bully mode.

It’s open until 6am and if you get nude, they get nude.

I require that my strippers have most of their teeth. Front ones are a must.

DP tried to give his underwear to some girl in a bachelorette party?

I pissed on the sidewalk next to a mailbox on Duval Street while Grubby acted as my lookout.

My cab driver at Key West had his daughter with him. She was playing on a laptop in the front seat. She was maybe 5 years old at most. Halfway through the cab ride, she looks over at her dad and says, “Daddy I smell dukie.”

American Airlines charges $3 for snacks.

Geckos.

Big Mike drinking rum out of a monkey skull then carrying it around town the rest of the day.

We’re getting back on the same puddle jumper that had the propeller problem?

I hear they have beautiful sunsets in Florida. I hear the same thing about LA but that’s because of the smog.

Poor poor F Train’s calves.

I’m waiting for that cat to pounce on that rooster.

If I was homeless in this town, I’d eat rooster everyday.

Friday nights must be cock fighting night. I don’t see any roosters around today.

I’m sweaty.

Maudie is a pool shark.

ACH and Lewey left me in the dive strip club that first night. I disappeared for a lap dance and they spaced out and left without me. They came back though. We got a good laugh about that.

My goal of clogging Change100’s toilet went unaccomplished.

Watching DP, Bobby and Speaker buying each other lap dances with the ugliest girls.

Gracie and Grubby betting on flop colors.

* * * *

Here’s a nice educational public service announcement for you . . . .

Strippers are people too. That's someone's sister or daughter. They might be there for entertainment purposes but they’re not toys to play with like matches or a video game. They have feelings too. Just like you or me. So make sure you bring enough money and show a little respect. And don’t forget to rub one out before you seek warmth and comfort from a stripper. Otherwise, you have to run back to your hotel room and hope no one notices you’re missing.

And that's one to grow on.

The more you know. The more you grow.

After careful research (visiting two strip clubs), I’ve decided that Argentina and Venezuela are my new favorite countries.

Baile conmigo por favor.

Los bailes del regazo son el mejor.

Michael J. Fox would be proud. Check out this video.

Thanks again to Al and his crew for another great time.

PokerStars World Blogger Championship of Online Poker

2007-10-02T14:24:00.000-04:00

I have registered to play in the PokerStars World Blogger Championship of Online Poker!

This Online Poker Tournament is a No Limit Texas Holdem event exclusive to Bloggers.

Registration code: 2718075

I am the prop bet

2007-09-27T01:39:00.001-04:00

This bush league psyche-out stuff. Laughable, man - ha ha! I would have fucked you in the ass Saturday. I fuck you in the ass next Wednesday instead. Wooo! You got a date Wednesday, baby!

For a while there, I had eaten a burrito at the same Mexican place on every Friday for 6 + months. The Rooster called it "the streak." A trip to Las Vegas that summer killed the great burrito streak.

Then I started a new one.

There's a cute girl that works at the place I go. That streak got snapped again when I went on another vacation.

The cycle continues.

I've been told that eating a burrito on vacation doesn't count.

It's pretty obvious by now (almost 2 years running) . . . that I will be eating a burrito at that place when Friday rolls around.

For the last few months, I noticed that the cute chick and the male cashier look at each other, do the nod & wink then kind of smirk when they notice me walking in for lunch.

I am the prop bet?

I like to think so.

I order the same thing every time.

I am the Walrus.

I am the eggman?

I am the Donkey.

It took 2 WCOOP events on Pokerstars for me to remember why I stopped playing MTTs.

Stick to cash games damnit.

I bought directly into the $530 NL and $215 HORSE events.

6,025 No Limit junkies duked it out for $3mil.

1,639 players battled it out for the HORSE title.

I quickly donked off a 10K starting stack in the NL event.

Sets are not gold.

I did much better in the HORSE event but the results were the same.

Hit the rail buddy.

Sometimes, I just don't roll on Shabbos.

It's like Lenin said... you look for the person who will benefit, and, uh, uh... you know.

I am the walrus.

You know what I'm trying to say...

I am the walrus.

That fucking bitch...

Oh yeah!

I am the walrus.

Shut the fuck up, Donny! V.I. Lenin. Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov!

What the fuck is he talking about, Dude?

No clue.

I am the prop bet.

Goo goo ga joob.

Face down in the muck.

Are you ready to be fucked?

Dios mio.