Welcome to Derek's Poker Blog

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Mr. Baseball . . . .

I saw this on ESPN's website and laughed.

But what about Jack Elliot? I heard he led the league in 2 out doubles after the 7th inning.

All-time baseball movie batting leaders

1. Kelly Leak, Chico's Bail Bonds, .665
2. Roy Hobbs, New York Knights, .422
3. Crash Davis, Durham Bulls, .398
4. Dottie Hinson, Rockford Peaches, .377
5. Willie Mays Hayes, Cleveland Indians, .356

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Los Angeles . . .

King for a Day

I had a pretty good time in LA with Pauly and Change100. I went to two baseball games and ate a shitload of food.

The smoke was pretty dam good too. Swiss Cheese and LA Confidential are goot.

I got slightly sun burned at the Yankees/Angels game. I loved how the Yankee fans were louder than the Angels fans. Well, until that damn rally monkey came out.

I hate that fucking thing. And I do mean hate.

The little rally monkey movie productions on the scoreboard are horribly annoying.

Anaheim stadium was very smoker friendly though.

The food situation was pretty well set up too from a vending standpoint.

Loved the air conditioning in the hallways between the restrooms and food court.

The Angels have a very damn good team. And Vlad Guerrero is still a beast. Tori Hunter too.

I sent a text message to Mustafa shortly after we arrived at the ballpark.

It said, "The Angels have 5 black players in their starting lineup today. Gary Sheffield would approve. Holla!"

Great seats at both games. Very similar spots too. Got to see some great plays by left fielders including Garrett Anderson and Xavier Nady.

And of course, there was Manny Ramirez.

He was made for LA.

Dodger Stadium was much nicer than I thought it would be. Seating layout was much better on the field level than at Anaheim.

After getting burned at the Angels game, I now know why the Dodgers have those gay yellow seats.

I crushed two Dodger dogs in honor of Snailtrax.

High end beer and ice cream in one line? Awesome.

The Sausage Haus at Anaheim made some nice money off of me.

Though, I should've eaten at the outdoor grill. The food out there was of the Snailtrax proportion.

Cheap smokes rule.

Huevos O'Groats, homemade tortillas made from their biscuits. Nuff said.

Ate a great BBQ courtesy of Pauly and Change100.

Unfortunately I did not clog a toilet during this trip. And it was not for lack of effort.

I mistakenly used a decorative soap at Change100's parent's house. Not once but three times. I should've known something wasn't right when the soap looked like it belonged to Andre the Giant. That was definitely a bar of soap that could wash his ass properly.

Where was the Five Towns billboard?

The Pann Diner. That toilet bowl that John Travolta shits in when the diner is getting robbed in Pulp Fiction . . . it has a curtain for the door. No stall doors. Talk about flapping in the wind.

Dodger Stadium is where "the incident" happened.

Apparently Dodger fans do not like non-Dodger fans.

The Dodgers were playing the Phillies. There were 4 Philly fans sitting in front of us dressed up in full gear. They were a little rowdy but nothing out of the norm. They were jokers more than jerks. Every time Tommy LaSorda's pic was flashed on the scoreboard screen, they would remind the crowd that Tommy was from Pennsylvania. The Dodger fans did not like this so they started throwing stuff at the Philly fans.

I made the mistake of asking them to stop. That made things worse.

The next thing I know, two guys are threatening us. One guy ran down the aisle stairs while the other clown just jumped down the three rows.

That's when I got punched. Never saw it coming. What happened to pushing first? Guy was a southpaw too. Fucking cagey ass mofo. I wonder how Phil Ivey would've played this?

I didn't even know I was cut. It happened so fast. I do remember looking at the guy and smirking right after he punched me. He kind of looked scared.

I turned and looked at his friend trying to sneak up on us from the row below us. As soon as I turned toward him, he froze up and looked scared too. Then he started jawing and that's when I heard a girl scream.

I looked down and saw blood all over my shirt.

Then both guys tried to run.

Dodger officials finally stepped in and stopped them.

I was bleeding bad but not hurt. I kind of felt like Marvelous Marvin Haggler at that moment. Well, minus the marvelous part. Unfortunately, that feeling changed as the situation quickly turned into the Ron Artest circus show.

As I'm being escorted up the aisle, chants of "Phillies suck!" rained down on us and everyone pointed at me. I stopped and turned to the crowd and said, "Fuck you, I ain't a Philly fan but your team still sucks!"

Pauly was wearing a NY Yankee baseball hat.

On a dime, the crowd started chanting, "Yankees suck!" and that's when the beers and food started poring down on us.

Ironically, I don't think we were hit by one beer. Horrible aim by the mob. They can't hit a fat target like me?

Here's a pic Pauly took of me moments after we were honored with the Ron Artest red carpet treatment.

I can tell you exactly what's running through my mind at that moment.

Fuck. My shirt is ruined.
Fuck. I need stitches.
Fuck. I hope this isn't on Sportscenter.
Fuck. It's going to cost me $600 to fly back to this shit hole for court.
Fuck. I didn't finish my beer.
Fuck. We have to leave now.
Fuck. I'm glad I don't have weed on me right now.
Fuck. I should've walked away. Naw, I should've punched that clown before he ran away.
Fuck. I'm glad I didn't wear my Snailtrax shirt tonight.
Fuck. The LAPD is going to screw me somehow.
Fuck. WTF just happened!
Fuck. I wanted a third Dodger Dog.
Fuck. This is going to cost me more than $600 to come back here.
Fuck. Can't we just hold him down and let me punch him once and call it even?

Shortly after the guy was arrested I was taken to the first aid room where the doctors stitched me up Patrick Swayze Roadhouse style.

Then things got shady.

This guy lied and said I pushed him first. LAPD knew he was full of it but if he says I pushed or shoved him, than that was considered assault and battery. I was going to jail too if I continued pressing charges.

The LAPD said there was no security footage and no witnesses other than the parties involved. I was going to jail and a judge would decide.

I didn't know what to do. My flight home was the next day and I definitely didn't want to go to jail. I had insurance so I said screw it. Where's a lawyer when you need one? Did we just do a chop or did I just get bluffed out of a huge pot?

Was I just hoodwinked by the LAPD?

Either way, I hope that fucker broke his hand.

Here's a couple of random thoughts I had while typing this post . . . .

1. Breakfast burritos should run away when I walk into a diner.
2. I wish the Farmer's Market was across the street from where I worked. I would eat there everyday.
3. Pineapple Express. Greatest Stoner Action Movie Ever. Must see. I haven't been to the movies in 3 years and saw this flick twice.
4. Brett Favre to the Jets? Chad Pennington to the Dolphins? I smell a sequel to "There's Something about Mary."
5. They have MiBs in LA.
6. That Arnold Palmer Tee rules.
7. Dean Youngblood went back to Thunder Bay didn't he?
8. I told the LAPD that I weighed 215 pounds and the assholes put down 230.

Sunday, August 03, 2008

Tao of Poker's 5th Birthday Celebration

Holy Smokes!

This week is Pauly's big tourney. As everyone knows by now, he's celebrating the Tao of Poker's fifth birthday by throwing a private tournament on PokerStars with a special bonus to the winner.

The winner gets two nights at the Borgata Hotel & Spa in Atlantic City as well as an entry into the $5,000 buy-in NL tournament for the Borgata Poker Open on September 12th.

Fore specific details...click here.

Good luck everyone!

And yes, I'm officially the two time, that is . . . two time PLO champ of Saturdays with Dr. Pauly.

So damn rigged.